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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that maybe it could've waited

54 replies

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 18:07

DH Has treated himself to a gift as a treat for a special birthday he has coming up. However we have the following to pay out for:
*friends' wedding- travel, gift
*friends' birthday- fair distance away so travel and gifts
*a close relative's birthday (his side)
*various pet bills- grooming and vaccinations
*house repair- mostly just unsightly but fairly urgent as involves live wire
*various baby bits

It is my birthday too soon. Not a big one but we are foregoing a meal out now to pay for some of the other things. That's fine as I have found a deal for very nice place for his birthday and intend to get a very nice gift but feel that I could've got the item he bought if that's what he wanted.

I'll be on maternity leave very shortly so a little worried about making money stretch.

He 'gives' money to go into savings/pay for increased bills after house move but it just seems that half of it goes back out again and I end up stressing about spending anything including things I've gone months without like haircuts and new clothes (every item of clothing I have bought in last few months has been sale, charity or from gift cards)He has asked his parents to put his birthday money towards some baby items which were the ones I wanted (but head was ruling heart and I felt they were frivolous things).

My aibu is im getting stressed. Should I just relax more and live for the day?

OP posts:

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:00

Well it's what he's hinted at actually!

OP posts:

proplapsingallover · 10/09/2017 20:02

You are spending £1000 on gifts for him. Does he actually any of it? Sounds like he has already got what he wants for £250.

I personally cant imagine spending £1000 on gifts for an adults birthday- no matter if it is a big one ( 50th ?)

Pestilentialone · 10/09/2017 20:02

He has a watch now, save the £1,000 and get a haircut.
Rejoice that you have a roof over your head and a warm dry bed. Give a couple of hundred to charity and then spend the rest on sensible things for the baby, keeping enough to one side to pay for birthday dinner.
Please do not make out you are so poor and hard done by.

seasidesally · 10/09/2017 20:05

i never understand why some adults make such a big deal of their own birthdays

OhTheRoses · 10/09/2017 20:06

OP when DH and I had our first baby and had a big mortgage and I gave up work because said baby was poorly in his first year, the first Christmas we bought each other a mars bar and bath bomb respectively. 21 years later we still do. That was the year the fees weren't coming through. I think you both have a long journey ahead about communication and compromise.

That little baby is 22. For his first birthday and Christmas. Same day. We had £7 left for his presents. It was tough and we really really weren't poverty stricken. We have trusted each other totally about money for the last 28 years. I did titter when he bought himself a maserati but it wasn't an issue.

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:08

OP posts:

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 10/09/2017 20:10

Absolutely redicilous. You've had to buy things from sales omg you poor thing.
There's people who can't afford to get clothes maybe once a year.
I think you're being a bit precious.
Yes he can get himself a treat if he wants to for his birthday. You say money is tight but then want to spend 1000 on him and then you say money isn't actually that tight.
How about you talk to him about what needs to be bought. Make a list and then don't spend 1000 on him, don't go to other people's birthdays or weddings only family.
That way you'll have money to get the other much needed things.
Priorities!
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but in my opinion you Are being unreasonable and precious.
Of course he can get himself something if he wants to.

proplapsingallover · 10/09/2017 20:11

Is the smile because it is all a wind up?

You basically deprive yourself (I assume both of you) of essentials so that you can then splash loads of cash on gifts for each other? Is that because you feel pressure from Facebook and instagram to have the perfect life?

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:15

Ffs. Why does this always descend into name calling and aspersions?

I don't give two shits about Facebook. We work hard, don't go out much and like to celebrate big milestones for us, no one else. I'm not a post a pile of Christmas presents person. I'd like to mark a special occasion for someone special and have saved to do.

I've managed to save by foregoing frequent treats and nights out etc

OP posts:

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:16

Smile was for Maserati comment

OP posts:

AyeAyeFishyPie · 10/09/2017 20:22

But now you are trying to budget in the 250? I'm not sure what you want people to say?

Mittens1969 · 10/09/2017 20:24

I can't imagine spending £1,000 on a present for anyone tbh. Sorry but it's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on an adult's birthday. You can buy all sorts of lovely presents for a lot less than that.

Since you've clearly got the money, why shouldn't he treat himself, I take it he earns a salary as well as you? He can spend money that he earns on a birthday treat for himself. (Though £250 is still more than I could ever imagine spending.)

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 20:25

I'm a bit baffled by all this. You're going without haircuts to save £1000 for a birthday present, and he's buying himself a £250 watch? Just sounds like your priorities are different. Would he even care if you spent less on his birthday but got your hair cut every 6 weeks?

Aderyn17 · 10/09/2017 20:26

My advice is to not be self sacrificing and deny yourself haircuts and clothes if he is not doing the same. It sets a bad precedent - your needs are not less than his and you don't want to go down a route whereby going without to provide for the baby becomes your responsibility and not his.

Secondly, put savings somewhere untouchable by him. No point saving if you are going to withdraw large amounts to spunk on unnecessary crap. That includes £1000 of spending on his biryhday btw.
If you cannot afford to go out for dinner on your birthday, you cannot afford this!

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:30

Thanks. It's nice to get a measured, firm but fair opinion instead of ranting.

OP posts:

RB68 · 10/09/2017 20:38

You should not be foregoing haircuts and worrying about money to pay for a birthday - you cut your cloth as to whats available - even if your birthday isn't a big one a meal out sounds more than doable - use some of the 1k for that.

You do need to have shared financial goals and need to talk about this - maybe not right now, but going forward especially with a family on the cards.

Me & SH re a bit like you guys in terms of the save/spend attitude and we struggle and I stress and he gets annoyed then we sort it out.

We have had to learn to meet half way

AlternativeTentacle · 10/09/2017 20:39

i have to say that is a lot. we are on 40-45 k each, are not planning any maternity and our presents to each others rarely tip over the £100 mark. £1000 is a hell of a lot for a birthday present. esp on a budget.

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 20:45

I think you're being a bit of a martyr to be honest. 'I don't get my hair cut and buy second hand clothes while he's spending £250 on treats'. It's your choice to save your money for an extremely expensive birthday present rather than have your hair cut. No one is making you do it.

Original poster

monkeysee100 · 10/09/2017 20:48

Fair enough but each to his own. Like I said we try not to live beyond our means and try and try to be as debt free as possible. 100 is far more our usual budget but he did do all out for my last big birthday.

I think some people have nailed it as a communication issue. Everyone spend has different spending priorities as I can see from the furybthis has inspired we just need to be ok with our own spending, never mind anyone else's.

OP posts:

Ecureuil · 10/09/2017 20:51

Yeah each to his own of course. I just don't get complaining about not being able to afford haircuts when you're choosing to use that money for something else. It's your choice, no one is making you do it.
If DH found out I was foregoing haircuts and clothes to spend £1000 on his birthday I think he'd be a bit upset! He'd much rather I had the things I want/need.

Sunshinegirl82 · 10/09/2017 21:03

I can understand why your DH thinks spending the £250 isn't a problem if you have significant savings and are spending £1000 on his birthday present. From the outside its quite confusing so I imagine it is from the inside too!

Sounds like you need to sit down and set some sensible budgets. Money that goes into savings which then can't be touched, money for General outgoings and necessary joint spends (trips to weddings, birthdays etc) and a general "fritter fund" for each of you to be spent on what you want, clothes, hair cuts, watches. Once that's gone, it's gone and the savings aren't affected.

GreenTulips · 10/09/2017 21:12

You need to stop the ££££ presents - it's just stuff!!

Buy what you need, and save for what you want.

Then budget

Yes monthly meeting fbnecessary purchases, then see what's left

NotTheCoolMum · 10/09/2017 21:56

One of the most impressive drip feeds ever

Doublegloucester · 10/09/2017 22:22

I wouldn't know what to buy someone for £1000?

The costs can add up with babies; I would strongly suggest saving most of this money for baby. The horrible sick feeling you get when you fritter money and then realise you really could do with it for some unexpected cost... It's horrible.

FlyingGiraffeBox · 10/09/2017 23:44

I'll be on maternity leave very shortly so a little worried about making money stretch.

As someone about to have a baby, who lost their job due to pg related sickness, and who's Dh has just lost his job, your posts have actually made me rather angry. You're worried about making money stretch yet can spend £1000 on a birthday present?

You have no fucking idea.

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