I'll never be able to get over it?

[user1483964745]

Been with DP nearly a year. Very tumultuous start. He had come out of a LTR of a few years and met me maybe a month after the split (she cheated). We started casually dating but became more quite suddenly. I'm trying to get over some stuff he has done earlier on as I know we weren't together - he lied and said he had only seen me since his breakup but told me three months ago that that was a lie and he had been on dates with other girls and had a one night stand. What I find harder to cope with is the constant anxiety he projects on me about the relationship - He's tried to end it once but when I went to leave begged me to stay and that he was confused. This came after me pointing out that cancelling on me last minute for a group date because he didnt like the place we were eating was selfish and childish. He said that he felt like a part time boyfriend and that he sometimes needs nights off our relationship (after clarifying what he meant he meant nights in on his own not, as I thought, wanting things with other people). He also commented that my depression made him more anxious. After a long discussion I agreed to stay because I really like him - He's sweet, same humour, great sex, he looks after me, celebrates my good news and is constantly telling people how proud he is of my achievements. But that conversation has been engrained in my head and makes me feel like he doesn't really want to be with me. In general my concerns are:

1. Rash decisions to end the relationship when I pull him up on bad behaviour
2. Little trust for him since his lies (He's also lied about times he got home etc)
3. He's still caught up on his ex
4. The feeling he has towards our relationship will give him an excuse to cheat

He constantly apologises for trying to end the relationship and said it would have broken him. He's also sorry for the lying things and said he lied because he knew I'd be angry if he was pissed with his workmates (not true - they're my friends too and I want him to keep a strong friendship group so we don't get dependent on each other). What he doesn't understand is that it's the lies I can't deal with he can do what he wants!

Aibu to try and talk this out or is there no point ?

I simply don't understand why you put up with all of this. What is the point, really?

Here's a good book to read when in this type of situation 'Why Does He Do That'...Lundy Bancroft.

Ltb and see your depression lift. .

He sounds a shade impulsive. It's down to you whether you can truly forgive the lies and other things, if you can't then you can't. Going by your post, it would appear that he's genuinely sorry, trust is something that builds over time, if you can forgive him you could possibly (or even probably) rebuild that trust.

But it's up to you. If you're convinced he's still hung up on his ex, that's probably a deal breaker. Sorry but for me it would be.

As for point 4 - if he doesn't truly want to be in the relationship then he shouldn't be in it because it's not fair on you, and would be counterproductive for him. He definitely shouldn't be using his lack of enthusiasm/commitment as some crap excuse for arsing around.

At the risk of sounding harsh, where do you see this going? He's lied to you from early on. He's made your depression about him. He's threatened to end things but then turned on the waterworks when you inadvertently called his bluff.

Make the call now before a year becomes two or three, and before you know it you've been putting up with this for five years and are in far deeper than you are now.

You say you 'really like' your DP and he is 'sweet' - that wouldn't be enough for me bearing in mind the issues you are having. I would have to be madly in love and even then, would be seriously considering whether to stay or go.

Trust your instincts OP
Look after yourself don't be used by him

Hang on - he had a few dates after his marriage ended and didn't tell you? Erm so what, why are you interested? Why is it relevant?

He ended it with you once and he has suffered the consequences- he was only doing what felt right - I don't see why he should be punished for it consistently. You decided to stay

He isn't over his ex? Surely you must realise that he wouldn't be since you met him shortly after?

He obvs ain't perfect but You seem insecure to me.

I'm not bothered about the actual dates it's the picture he painted as me being the only one etc. Why lie?

He hasn't suffered any consequence he got what he wanted - less contact and less pressure for him and me not telling him when I'm in a bad way.

I'm insecure yes, but I'm conscious of when my thoughts are irrational. that's what he says to me when I'm upset as well "you're nuts"

Regardless of the other stuff I couldn't Be with someone who was pining after their ex.

He tells you you're "nuts" when you're upset and you have depression? He doesn't sound like he's right for you.

Shortly after DH and I got together (within the first few months) I suffered a traumatic incident and was diagnosed with PTSD. Believe me, at times I was "nuts" (think sobbing uncontrollably in the supermarket because I couldn't find the potatoes) but not once did he tell me I was "nuts". He was understanding and loving and supportive.

When it's right, it's easy. It doesn't sound like this relationship is right or easy.

Maybe he doesn't see the 'you were the only one' as a lie, the other women could have meant so little to him he didn't think they were worth mentioning. What does stand out from your messages is how insecure this whole relationship sounds. Can you really carry on as you are indefinitely? How likely are things to change and who or what will need to change? He doesn't sound ready or able to be in any kind of relationship at the moment. Apart from the sex you could get everything he gives you from friends. YANBU to want to talk things through but are you ready for wherever that conversation would lead?

If he's still hung up on his ex now, a year later then regardless of all the other stuff that would be a no for me.

I've been with my DP 15 months and I didn't realise when we got together that there was still an issue with his ex, but within 3 months, he sorted himself out and explained everything to me, we would not be together now if I thought he was still hung up on her.