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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm being ghosted?

20 replies

Mercymercyme · 10/09/2017 07:48

I have a close friend who until earlier this year I would see regularly and chat to most days. Then I had another baby (also have teens, as does this friend). Friend seemed happy for me and was one of our first visitors but I've hardly seen or heard from her since!

I didn't notice at first as I was so busy with the baby but then messaged her to apologise if she thought I was ignoring her. She replied that she hadn't even noticed as she'd been so busy. I have seen her a couple of times (instigated by me) and she seemed fine. However, scrolling back through messages I've realised that she never instigates contact anymore (used to be 50/50). She replies to my messages but not immediately and her responses tend to be brief, not open ended.

She says she's really busy (nothing new, she's always worked full time) yet from what I've seen on the dreaded Facebook she finds time to meet up with certain mutual friends. I get some of these outings are unsuitable for someone with a young baby (water park with teens, boozy night out) but would be nice to be asked! On the subject of Facebook, she seldom reacts to my posts anymore (would previously be amongst the first to comment). I do post a lot of baby stuff which I know people can find boring but she doesn't even respond to the non baby stuff. I always react when she posts.

I know it's not jealously as she definitely doesn't want more children. I've also noticed certain other friends (some mutual) have drifted away but I'm less bothered as I was never as close to them as this girl.

Is she trying to tell me something? I do feel sad as she was a lovely friend but also cross at being treated like this

OP posts:

Sayyouwill · 10/09/2017 07:57

It sounds like maybe she just isn't interested in you anymore? Sorry if that sounds mean. She may not even be ghosting you on purpose, she may just find that your craic is a bit stale and she'd rather be around other people. I'm not saying it is!

I'd just ask her outright if everything is okay. Explain how you're feeling but allow her the chance to speak up first. Maybe she is going through something and doesn't feel she can come to you as you're preoccupied with a young baby

AlphaStation · 10/09/2017 07:59

Maybe you unconsciously talk a lot about subjects that has to do with babies and newborns, and she doesn't feel like she has anything to contribute to in that area. In any case if she doesn't respond to you FB posts, they will soon drop off her radar so she doesn't even know you're online (this is due to the FB algorithm).

Birdsgottafly · 10/09/2017 08:23

Has she had a pregnancy loss, or had secondary fertility issues?

She may find it difficult to be around you, or you are at different life stages and at the moment have nothing in common.

I'd keep occasional contact going, a lot of Women don't and lose people to go for a drink/meal with, when the baby years are over.

InspMorse · 10/09/2017 08:55

Seems like you were on the same path before your baby was born and you've now got different priorities.
Did you do the water park, nights out thing with her before your baby was born?
If you want the friendship to continue, you'll both have to find a new common ground, your life has changed but hers hasn't.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 08:58

It's not ghosting but sounds like she's either just genuinely busy and hasn't got time or the friendship has come to an end. It happens.

MrsJamesAspey · 10/09/2017 09:17

My dc are teenagers as are most of my friends dc. If one of my friends had another baby now just as the kids are beginning to fend for themselves I would think she was completely utterly and totally bonkers

I could see myself spending less time with that friend as I just wouldn't be interested in all the baby crap all over again. Maybe keep trying to see this friend and show them that your life is not all about the baby??

demirose87 · 10/09/2017 09:55

I've had similar with a friend recently but unfortunately it does happen. Things change in people's lives and people get busy. I wouldn't take it personally but I would take a step back and leave her to come to you and if she doesn't I'd just accept she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 09:57

You are both at different stages of your life.

Original poster

Mercymercyme · 10/09/2017 15:48

Did you do the water park, nights out thing with her before your baby was born?

Haven't done nights out for a while as I stopped drinking to TTC and haven't gone back to it and likely won't. She does like drinking but seemed happy to meet for coffee. On one of the occasions we met since the birth she did suggest wine in pub beer garden (with baby) but I explained I didn't want baby getting hot and couldn't drink due to bf. She was fine with going to cafe instead. We did do outings with older DC before baby was born but is hard for me now (but not impossible) unless DH around. Fact Is, I wasn't even asked.

OP posts:

MadMags · 10/09/2017 15:53

Sounds like the times you were asked you either changed the plans or refused, to cater to your baby.

That's fine but it's fine for her not to want to do baby stuff when her kids are teens, and it's fine not to invite you to stuff you would have refused anyway?

Or you might have brought baby to water park and been a nightmare compared to a baby free day!

Regarding Facebook, if you're posting loads of baby stuff she might have unfollowed you. Or, if she stopped interacting because of the baby stuff, your other posts might not make it onto her newsfeed anymore because of how fb works!

misshelena · 10/09/2017 15:58

Since you found out you were pregnant, you've stopped going for drinks and going on outings suitable for teens. Your friend tried to accommodate you by offering pub beer garden, but you declined. It's been this way for a while. So your friend moved on. It's understandable IMO. Clearly she wasn't really "fine" with replacing drinks with coffee.

RhubardGin · 10/09/2017 16:00

On one of the occasions we met since the birth she did suggest wine in pub beer garden (with baby) but I explained I didn't want baby getting hot and couldn't drink due to bf

That does sound very PFB and selfish on your part.

Why couldn't you have a soft drink?

If you use these kind of reasons regularly I can understand why you're not being invited and losing touch tbh.

Auspiciouspanda · 10/09/2017 16:06

After a certain amount of declining invitations you have to expect you won't be invited anymore.

Babies are boring really... if all you really ever post or talk about is your baby then honestly I would take a big step back from you as I really don't care about other people's kids and only do it out of politeness.

demirose87 · 10/09/2017 16:09

It doesn't sound like she has consciously dropped you, just that you are both at different stages in life and your priorities have changed. But I think true friends still make the effort for each other.

Original poster

Mercymercyme · 10/09/2017 16:15

When have I declined invitations? We went out with the teens right up until the birth, not been asked since. The beer garden day was bloody hot and she agreed it wasn't the best suggestion in retrospect.

OP posts:

Auspiciouspanda · 10/09/2017 16:22

From what you've said in your post that's how it seemed.

Have you invited her to anything, do you even have time to do anything without your baby?

pilates · 10/09/2017 16:24

Someone with a new born baby isn't going to want to do the same thing as a family with teenagers, she is probably getting her life back as teenagers become more independent and doing what she wants to. I'm sure there must be a compromise if both parties wanted to make the effort though.

Grilledaubergines · 10/09/2017 16:31

Your paths have changed, that's all. It's much easier to maintain friendships if your lives are similar. She's just not in the baby track any more and I think once you get past it with your own, you don't get it back until you reach grandparent stage.

If I were you, I'd be brace and ask her. It's not a confrontation but a "look, I'm aware things have changed. If it's something I've done, I'd like to know as I'd hate to upset you. If it's just that you feel our lives are too different now, I completely accept that but maybe we can still have the odd coffee/drink just to catch up'.

That might take the pressure of her in that she will know you accept it's not the same and therefore no need for any skirting around the issue.

It's sad when friendships change/end but not all friendships are of the lifelong variety; some just for seasons of our lives.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 10/09/2017 16:33

Maybe once you stop bf or express you can spend time just the two of you?

Quirkydamsel · 10/09/2017 16:38

I think you are being eased out gradually , difficult to know why really but perhaps she really is very busy . If she does do things with other ppl then it would seem you are right my dear. I am sorry but this does happen to the best of us perhaps she's moved on and doesn't want to be around babies anymore.

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