Aibu to think I must be really disliked or really invisible

[Moomoomango]

I feel like I'm having a really tough time emotionally right now and feel so sad. My previous post I spoke about being the only one not invited to a family holiday - despite being very close and friendly with my family. In fact the moment they touched back down they invited me over the following day - still don't understand why I was excluded but makes me really sad. I'm the sort of person who is incredibly emotional but only dh gets the full picture everyone else gets an edited smile. I think I'm a nice person, always talking to people & generally get on with everyone or so I thought.

Anyway yesterday my brother was reading an e mail sent from a far relative who had been down to visit our family a few weeks back. They had come down for the day & enjoyed themselves and were e mailing some pictures over. The e mail said dear Peter, Gloria, Sarah, Fred, Stuart and others. (Names changed in fear of outing) literally every adult was listed except me - I was listed as an other along the under 5s. I know I probably abu but given my history of feeling totally invisible here I am again totally invisible - bunched as an other.

I'm not just an other I'm a human who does t understand why I'm so invisible to everyone.

I'm crying because I feel so so sad and feel love the nice amenable placid girl is about to loose her shit being so invisible and excluded.

I know it's such a small thing to be not included in a list of names but the literally be the only person not named sucks- I clearly am not important to my close family or my extended family.

I don't belong anyway - I'm not a millionaire, successful, or indeed in good physical shape. I'm the poor fat one - and ironically it seems invisible.

Aibu to be so upset?

YANBU.

I'm like you. I try really hard to be nice, not inconvenience people, not get in the way.

The result isn't people liking me. Act invisible? That's how people will treat you. Self-fulfilling I guess, but shit nonetheless.

yes! Your name was there, but not in the same place, and anyway, it wouldn't matter much if it wasn't.

It does sound like you depend on your family rather more than many adults. Are you an independent person generally?

No not upset. If it matters to you it should matter to them. Maybe distance yourself from it or call them on it??

I remember your previous thread, did you ever ask why you were not invited?

YANBU, I would be asking questions of my family very soon.

YANBU to be upset but if you're always the 'nice' one I'm guessing you haven't told them how upset it's making you? YABU to be upset with them if they only ever see you smiling in response to this crappy behaviour and - given that they don't appear to have much by way of social skills or emotional intelligence based on their behaviour - expect them to work out how sad its making you. Even a half-joking 'oi, where was my invitation?' would be a start...

Yes you are right in that I haven't told them how I feel - I guess I don't want to open myself up to that vulnerability. I also haven't said anything so far so feel it would be strange of me to suddenly start parping on about a holiday that happened last week.

I am coming to the realisation that I don't want to be nice anymore if it means sacralising my own happiness. What I find so hard to deal with is everyone is so nice to me - but then exclude me from things.

I need to start being authentic with my feelings I suppose. Maybe I need therapy of some sort.

I think therapy would be a great idea. I'm in therapy for the same reason. You are the invisible one for a reason. I was the invisible one as a child in a very toxic family. I have had years of being nice. And I've had enough of it as well. Especially as they set me up time and time again to be the family problem. Ie scapegoat. They'd goad and goad and goad me until I snapped. They made out I was unreasonable for the most ridiculous reasons and constantly moved the goal posts and I should just accept and comply. Otherwise I was difficult. Despite the fact it was always them.

If your family even think of inviting and you then don't bother to follow through, not inviting you is infantilising you. My take is the conversation went, "Oh Moomoo is too poor/doesn't like big family gatherings so let's not invite her. She won't enjoy it." Thus justifying their position. Moo moo is the name of my dds first teddy bear that she loved to bits as a baby. Be kind to yourself.

You are allowed to say you are upset you weren't invited to the holiday. They will possibly get angry and you can just stuck record "as I say I find it upsetting". And vary your words slightly. If they are toxic, it is likely they will explode at you.

Right now you're possibly feeling too vulnerable. My take in that case would be to sit with this. There will be plenty to pull them up on when you are stronger.

I do feel for you, moo moo and mummyoflittledragon speaks a lot of sense, as do the others.

I have had something similar years ago and in the end I had to shrug and move away from it because they were not going to change.

i remember your last thread. of course you've every right to feel hurt. my family were a little like this with me. i was invisible or ignored, unable to contribute to discussions because i was constantly talked over. opinions not valued. so i withdrew for a few months and that helped a lot. not having that constant reinforcement that i was undervalued. that helped me stand up more when i felt strong enough to face them again and things have changed for the better.

i agree counselling might help, if you find a good counsellor.

YANBU at all. This sort of feeling affects how you act with people and that in turn can exacerbate the issue. I've spent most of my life being a people pleaser and worrying about what everyone thinks of me. It's exhausting. In fact it helps me to see how many other people here feel a similar way as often it feels like it's only me.

First off you need to have a conversation with a member of your family about your exclusion from this holiday and find out the reason. That must have been so horrible for you x

There are people in our family who think I am invisible. Or rather they go out of their way to make me feel that way for some sick purpose or insecurity of their own, rather than genuinely not notice me because I am placid. For example, I am not included in my in-laws Facebook or private family group social media because although I have been with my DP for 24 years "I am not family"

It used to hurt very much but now it doesn't as I am indifferent to it. I focus on my own family (DH and my DC) and anyone who treats me or us badly is relegated to the B or C list. I am happy and feel no obligation to shop for decent presents, cards or do anything for any of them. I feel free.

Some people get off on making people feel like shit about themselves in order to make themselves feel good. Honestly, the best revenge is to be happy and let them see that you fair better when you are free from their toxic influence.

I think talking this trhough might be helpful.even just a rational head on things for when its all turning round in your head.then too youll be able to tell them name and more personal bits of info than on here for fear of outing yourself.
do they possibly no how vunerable you can feel and haven't anted tp upset you by inviting you to things you wont feel comfortable at?
you need to ask your brother at this point why.
can asking him or them be any wore than your current feeling.really?
if you at a low right now embrace it almost and go for the asking them approach.you need to be honest and let them know what going on and how they are making you feel.rightly or wrongly they might be totally unaare and there be some absurdly simple reasoning.
but they wont no if you don't open up to someone.
because human being pick up on things so you diving deeper into these feelings will change your behaviour even if you think your pretending otherwise.and so the behaviour of all will increase in totally the wrong direction.
at least if you open up you will know then.there will be a conclusion to this so you can decide what to do next knowing the situation fully.

the reasoning also I think perhaps talking to them is the fact you mention how at some times you do stuff or they contact you so its irractic in inviting if that makes sense. there isn't just nasty family members shutting you out as I'm sure this would then be all the time.so to me its more possibly crossed wires and emotions.

YANBU

Your feelings show that you are a warm human being. I think there maybe something in your history with your family that you are overlooking though. As it's bothering you, just ask why you weren't invited on the holiday. The answer may put your suspicions to rest.

I've struggled with being the invisible one in the past but if you can embrace it and realise that it means you can do whatever you like without offending anybody then it's actually quite liberating. I don't have any obligations to take part in things I don't want to and if I want to do my own thing then I don't have to consider anybody other than my immediate family which, obviously, is entirely pleasurable. The rest can please themselves and I can please myself.

Have you considered counselling?

You need to ask them why you were excluded from the holiday. Could it be

They think they know you don't have enough money, so no point asking?
They think they know you can't take the time off, so no point asking?
They think they know you have a medical condition, so no point asking?

If it is any of the above then tell them, 'perhaps you think I can't afford to go with you, but circumstances have changed and I can'.

I didn't read your other thread , of course you feel hurt but I don't have a clue what your relatives are like as people apart for the you feel invisible and left out.

Maybe talk about what they are like as people, Has it always been like this? R a more recent development.

Any idea how they feel about your DH?

Your instinct is to surpress your hurt and go along with something that is upsetting while pretending not to be upset, for the sake of not rocking the boat. This is a huge red flag in terms of your ingrained habits which havs no doubt been developed for a reason to do with your family.

Do other members of your family surpress their emotions? Or are they allowed to have opinions? I bet they are opinionated.

Ask yourself why are you not allowed to have feelings.

Then realise you have every right, the same as every other member of your family.