To think he forfeit his right to know these details?

[Internetaddict17]

I've kicked my DH out because of his alcohol abuse that I discovered was also drug abuse.

Our DC started school last week and his so called dad only showed up on the first day. After that he was too busy going out drinking and apparently doing drugs to come home and see us. I asked him to leave, which he has, but he seems to be using it as an opportunity to "socialise" even more.

He text earlier to ask how DC was. I replied with "fine". He then got annoyed and said I should be giving him more details such as what DC has done and said during the day. I told him that if he wanted to know that sort of thing then he shouldn't have been out shoving cocaine up his nose instead of at home with his family.

AIBU? i think one of the bad points about not living with your child is that you don't get to know all the minutiae of their day like a resident parent would? Or am I just being a bitch because I'm angry that he has put us through hell for years?

Interestingly DC hasn't asked after their Dad once, which I think shows how used to him not bothering to come home they are.

YANBU, I would say if he's still drinking and taking drugs, why should you bother?

In your circumstances, YANBU at all.

I think if he's still has a chaotic lifestyle he cannot expect regular updates of such detail about DC settled life.

Friend is an alcoholic, parents will only update about school when she is able to rationalise and think clearly. Or it ends up an argument no one can win because friend cannot think clearly or act appropriately.

Your saving yourself alot of grief and arguments by limiting his knowledge of DC school.

Does your ex have contact with DC? He could use that time to ask DC about their time at school.
I would though tell ex to make sure they have his address for sending newsletters, play invites, parents' evening details etc. They are quite used to sending this stuff to two different email addresses, and it will save you having to do so and give him someone to complain at (other than you) should he later claim non receipt of the details. Which he inevitably will.

It's only been a couple of days since I made him leave. It's all very new and no permanent arrangements are in place. He was in a hotel and now I don't know where he is. He wanted to call the DC last night but they dislike talking to people on the phone so declined. I wasn't about to force them but he accused me of using them against him. Then today the text. I don't see why I should tell him about their days. If there's an issue I will contact him.

He has regularly gone on drinking binges after work and the first I've heard of it is when he doesn't show up home until whatever time. Years of screaming rows, not speaking for days, his excuses and justifications and apologies - but then he does it again. I found out the other night that it's also drugs. He denies it but I've seen evidence. I've given him enough chances. He has brought this on himself. The consequence of his actions is that he has lost out on his kids. He will now see them for access visits but he won't have the privilege of being a full part of their lives.

To add that I take care of everything DC related. He shows up to things but I have to do all of the legwork. I do all of the school stuff, he just shows up on the day and looks like an involved dad.
Same with birthdays. I buy gifts, plan the parties. He gets out of bed and enjoys the kids reactions but has put no effort in himself.

He is going to get a bloody big shock!

I know you're angry at your DH and I'm going on just a small bit of text in your OP, but I think YABU.

It's not fair to withhold info about the DC you have together as though they're a legit weapon to hurt him like he's hurt you.

He was there on the first day and has asked what they'd been up to, I know it's not much, but would you have really wanted him to be around your DC if he'd had a lot of drink/drugs?

Can I ask what changed to make you kick him out, despite putting up with 'years of hell' off him?

Could your DC not be asking about their Dad because they don't want to upset you? Not because they suddenly don't love or miss him? (even if they're used to him being like that)

Also, if he's been like this for years, is it more than just going out socialising and turned into something he's physically addicted to? Not to excuse any shitty behaviour, but if they class alcoholism as an illness is it his fault? (or just a get out clause for acting like a twat? I genuinely don't know)

Whatever I've said though I've got lots of sympathy for you you're going though even more bollocks because of him, and that's never OK.

I might have missed you saying, but how old are your DC?

Oldest has just started school so they are young. I don't think they have not mentioned him for my sake. They are too young to think that way yet. I've not mentioned him and they've not asked. Like I said they are used to him just not showing up after work so I think this is just an extention of that to them.

He was still living here on the 1st day of school. Second day he didn't bother coming home. I text him but no reply. He rolled in at 3am and I found evidence of drug taking. That was my final straw. It made a lot of things fall into place and I realised he has been actively deceiving me. He still denies the drugs despite being caught red handed.

I wouldn't refuse to tell him important information but I don't see why I should text him a run down of what they have done or said each day? Is that what normally happens when parents split up? I'm very new to this.

Just to clarify that the kids don't know anything. They don't know he has gone. He just hasn't been here for the past few days/nights and I've not mentioned it.

I don't think there are any hard and fast 'normals' when it comes to how you manage to parent your children with someone you've been hurt by, I've found that it's changed as time's gone on and I've been able to distance myself from him.

Will it hurt your DC to have a relationship with their Dad, or hurt them more not to have contact? How will he be when he has them on his own?

What I'm wondering really is whether you're using your DC as a shock tactic to bring him to his senses and realise what he's losing, and is that fair on them.

I'm not saying that's wrong as such, but is it something you'd advise other people to avoid doing? Sometimes it's difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're right in the middle of it.

I didn't mention it to my youngest (of similar age to yours) either, you'd be surprised how much they notice though even if they're not talking about it.

I didn't want her to be hurt by it/him, or to be left thinking he'd gone because of something she'd done or because he didn't love her enough to sort his shit and stay. I could talk about to to my older DD who could see for herself what was going on, but small children take things as they are and don't know any different and you don't want them to know they've been let down

My children are too young to have a clue what I do or don't tell their Dad. So it's not really affecting them either way at this point.

Of. Purse if he had been that bothered he could have come to see them but he hasn't pushed for that funnily enough.

My eldest DC has already started to notice being let down. Think going to meet Daddy from the train station after work only for him not to be there because the twat didn't get the train he'd said.

Or being told they can stay up until Daddy gets home only to be sent to bed without seeing him when it becomes apparent he is in the pub instead.

The older my children get the harder it gets to fudge those kind of situations and avoid difficult questions.

"The consequence of his actions is that he has lost out on his kids. He will now see them for access visits but he won't have the privilege of being a full part of their lives"

I see how angry (rightfully) you are and I know it'll settle down over time as you establish a routine but please try not to use your kids or access to them/info about them as a weapon OP. I'm not saying you're doing that now but you could be in danger of doing so based on the way your talking now. Do whatever is in their best interests: as long as he isn't dangerous or abusive it's in their best interests for them to have a relationship with their dad and as resident parent you're in a very powerful position to make that happen or sabotage it.

How's it going Internetaddict17?

I found it difficult managing encouraging their relationship while also not spending my free time keeping him up to date when (imo) he couldn't be bothered to do it himself. For example, he'd ask me to send copies of their school reports as e couldn't be arsed to ring the school and ask them to post to him too. He saw the kids one day a week but never called to chat on the other days nor (once they were old enough for phones) texted etc. So how far does my job in keeping him up to date go? I do all the emotional Labour with the kids in addition to cooking, cleaning, errands, teacher interactions, etc. I also have to be his messenger?

I think it would be a good idea to change the locks, OP.

It's against the law for me to change the locks on him.

I have gathered that he stayed with friends last night. It was a lads night out I saw being suggested when I took his phone the other night. He wouldn't have been able to go as it was several hours away and would have meant an entire weekend away. Not something I'd have agreed to last minute ( he gets loads of time away before anyone says the "poor man" needs time to himself). Well this situation has meant he was able to go. So he's no doubt had a great weekend while I have done everything for the kids.

He has messaged this afternoon. Not once asked after the kids. BUt has instead tried saying we are both to blame for this situation. That because I don't value him he goes out. Still claims he bought drugs for other people not him. He says my anxiety is not suited to his lifestyle . Fact is I'm anxious because of never knowing if and when he is going to be drunk and not come home. And yes I don't "value" him because it's hard to treat someone well when they consistently let you down and fuck you over.

But silly me coming home drunk, or staying out on a bender at least once a fortnight, but often once or twice a week is a tiny percentage of the time. So says he!!

The upshot is he has nowhere to go. Because clearly he has been pushing this weekend away and not trying to sort something out. He has asked to come back for tonight. I cannot stop him but have said I don't want him to. He has used this time to have fun without me being there asking where he is etc. Im livid!

He sounds like he is alcoholic who shouldn't be anywhere near your kids. Have you thought about seeking support for this? The kids will become aware their dad has a drink problem as they grow up and you may need help in supporting them

He's an alcoholic, you need to see a solicitor to get proper arrangements in place, pronto.

Yes he's a "functioning" alcoholic. Have known it for a while. He has the type of job where daytime drinking is a frequent occurrence so to his mind it's all "normal".
I've had it in mind to leave once the youngest starts school and things are more manageable financially. But learning about the drugs was a step too far. Obviously he's been taking them behind my back for years.