How to sort my head out? (Really long - sorry!)

[HelloPossums]

First of all, this might be a bit difficult to follow, as maybe I haven't been very clear. Sorry about this!

Happy to answer questions to clear up any confusing parts of my OP.

I just wanted to ask about my own situation. I feel very down quite a lot of the time, and have had counselling in the past - sometimes it's been really effective, sometimes it hasn't.

In general, I often feel inadequate, unloved and unsure of myself. I think this has made me eager to please and a bit of a perfectionist, and then impacted on my self-esteem, which again makes me feel unsure of myself and anxious.

I've just had really low self-confidence and low self-esteem for a really long time now (since I was maybe 9 or 10 - I'm now in my mid-twenties).

I just wonder if my upbringing may have had something to do with it. I don't know for certain if it did, but whether it did or not, I want to know how I can stop resenting it. I didn't have a bad childhood by any means, it felt quite pressurised and I didn't really get a say in anything I was doing.

To quote directly in parts from what I wrote on another thread (under a different name), I feel that my (fairly overprotective and slightly overbearing but very well-meaning) DM has always had certain 'standards' that I had to meet.

Although I know she loved/loves me, our relationship is very much a parent-child one (IYKWIM), where she tells me what to do and sort of expects me to do it, and shows her love for me through giving me opportunities (i.e. when I was younger, activities and enrolling me in good schools etc.) rather than physical affection or praise.

She actually also brought up me and my sibling single-handedly more or less until I was 15 or 16, because my Dad worked abroad for months at a time, so she's worked really hard and I really admire her.

She's always wanted the best for me, but this involved signing me up for lots of after-school activities that I didn't want to do but didn't feel able to back out of.

When I was younger (from around the age of 8 to 14), I was ferried to and from swimming, karate, kayaking, cadets, orchestra and music lessons, and had an activity every night after school. I didnt really have time to see friends or anything.

I then got fixated on the idea (without realising it, probably) of wanting to please other people, which led me to really focus on my schoolwork and ultimately to reapply to Oxbridge in the hope of getting an offer (which I did). Luckily,
I loved my gap year and loved my time at Cambridge (for the most part).

But I think it's made me really fragile rather than resilient. AIBU? What can/should I do about it?

My Mum has always maintained that the activities were the 'making of me', and I don't really agree.

for you OP.

I can relate to some of what you are saying and it was in my mid-twenties that I suddenly looked at my life and decided that I was only ever going to do what I genuinely wanted to do in the future. I reviewed everything I was doing and decided whether it was important to me or not. If it wasn't, I stopped doing it.

I have kept to that ever since and know I am much happier for it. It might take a while for others to accept the change but ultimately, it is your life and your choices now. You no longer have to play by anyone else's rules.

In the meantime, try not to resent the activities you did. They were opportunities...that's all. Had you loved them, you would be doing them now. Try not to dwell on the past. It's gone. All you have is now so enjoy the moment.

Good luck!

Yours is a very interesting post. I get the impression from it that you may be at a crossroads - you've fulfilled your mother's expectations (Cambridge) but are now at a "What now?" point. If you have followed a path that someone else has set for you, it may be that you have not really thought about what it is that you would like to do.

You haven't said what you are doing now (or what degree you are doing). If it is a profession (law, medicine, actuarial science etc.), it is likely that are are still following the career path associated with that profession. If it is a career that you do want to pursue, there isn't anything wrong with this. However, if you have a job where your performance is frequently measured against others', that can be very stressful. Particularly if you are being measured against your peers (all well educated, all clever, all driven). If this is the first time you haven't got the equivalent of A++, it can be a real shock and your self confidence can take a blow.

What you describe is what a lot of people would want for their children - good schools, interesting activities, a great university. However, if you have become isolated, that isn't so good.

In the short term, I would like you to do something that you enjoy every day. If you are working very hard (at work or on professional exams), it is easy to forget to do something nice for yourself. Go for a run or spend time with a friend (one who makes you laugh or feel good about yourself).

In the long term, it's worth coming up with an idea of what you would like to do in the next 18 months to 2 years. It may be a different role or spending some time in another country.

Thank you SO much Mud and Cru for your lovely and thoughtful replies. I'm just heading out, so won't be able to answer them fully for a bit, but when I'm back I'll write a longer reply :)

I actually felt quite positive reading your post, which may sound odd, but I think that it is fab to have a realisation like this now, as difficult as it may be. So it sounds as though you grew up with many, many conditions of worth given to you, which you carried and fulfilled, and now, understandably, you are wanting to shake off and live your own life. I agree with the above posters, find out what you really enjoy, what gives you joy, step back from others a little if you find yourself constantly trying to please them, notice when you are being a perfectionist and allow yourself (and forgive yourself) for making mistakes. Good luck to you, I wish I had had your self-awareness when I was your age.

some parents are all too often too quick to "crticise" by expecting more and not delighting or acknowledging the sheer brilliance of their children.
I think reflecting on our childhoods does help us grow, be more aware of where our ideas and expectations come from.
Learn to accept yourself and reward yourself for the good. Where perhaps you weren't shown enough in youth.
You've achieved brilliantly and clearly set about pleasing others. It is definitely time to set a goal entirely for you, a challenge or a whimsy. And enjoy all of it. Even if it goes tits up (which i doubt) and you're left problem solving it would be for you and worth it all.

Start with yourself, do you know what you actually like? What activities do you enjoy doing? Can you tell the difference between those things and the things you do out of duty or obligation?

Something that has helped me is to think in terms of how I was not parented as I needed to be parented. That takes away some of the 'blame' from your parents, whilst acknowledging that for you, the parenting wasn't right for your needs.

So then you have to re-parent yourself. Ask Little Hello what she needs. Love Little Hello for what she is and for what she is not. Honour how she has spoken up to you right now.

I realise this sounds a bit new agey, but re-parenting myself made a huge difference to me. People pleasers and perfectionists routinely neglect themselves to cater to the needs of others (like you catered to your mother's need for you to be a certain way), and we need to learn to treat ourselves as an 'other'. Imagining our inner child, in need of us as a parent, helps to do that. I have a picture of mini-Christmas on the mantlepiece, and whatever I do, I try to listen to her and what she thinks of what I@m doing, and acknowledge and respond to her needs.

Mini-Hello is the person you need to please and to love.

Thanks so much for your posts as well Subtle, DJ and Christmas :)

Anyone else with any suggestions or ideas please? Would be great to hear if you've got any other ideas for ways in which I could work on this.

Anyone with any further advice please? :)

My advice us to make a list of things you want to try....maybe things that you have never done before or places you have never been. Some things will work out well and you may find new interests, other things you might try and give up immediately. It doesn't matter. Start planning a future for yourself....small things first....see how you go. The most important thing is you do it for you. You will start to know your own mind.

What's the dynamic like now with your mam?

I do think there comes a time in your life where you realise that your parents didn't do things the way which would have been best for you and your development as a person. Like Philip Larkin said in his excellent poem 'they fuck you up, your mum and dad'.

Assuming you feel your mam was genuinely trying her best and didn't do things out of malice, you need to try and let it go.

They've held sway for the first couple of decades, sure, but you've hopefully got another five, six, seven, eight decades to go. It's your time now and time to do what you want. I think you need to look to the future rather than the past.