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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my friend?

18 replies

tilliemoo · 09/09/2017 12:58

Bit of context, we see each other once a week and have been best friends for 8 years. She recently got a partner who she's been having a shit time with, and unfortunately every time we see each other she's in a horrible mood because of it and it ruins the evening. I've just come to the end of a four year course (big deal for me personally) and we were meant to be going out tonight and having a big celebration (her idea)

Except all she's done since is find reasons to whinge about it. Apparently she still wants to go, but she's got 'hardly any money', she doesn't seem keen to make solid arrangements and now I've found out she's planned a drink with another friend before she meets me (pushing back our time)

AIBU to think that she should make an effort considering it's a special evening? I also feel that she's taking out a lot of this relationship stuff on me when it's nothing to do with me? Or AIBU to expect her to go out when she might not be in the mood?

Sorry if this turns into a drip feed..

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 09/09/2017 13:10

You are entitled to be sad, but she is entitled to not want to go, and you are entitled to be unhappy about this, and she is entitled to not show.

All of which means, if she isn't into you these days, then that is her decision to make.

Motoko · 09/09/2017 13:20

She obviously doesn't want to go, and it wouldn't surprise me if she cancels on you. I suggest you get in first and cancel on her. Just tell her you don't want to go out now. It doesn't sound like you've had much fun going out on previous occasions, so I doubt tonight would be any different even if she does turn up.

dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2017 13:28

YABU. You are her friend. You are supposed to support her through her relationship issues, not moan because it means her moods aren't tailored to your entertainment needs. You want her to be there for the big events in your life like the end of your course, but you're pissed off with her because she can't flick a magic switch and be happy-happy when she's having a tough time.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2017 13:33

unfortunately every time we see each other she's in a horrible mood because of it and it ruins the evening

I also feel that she's taking out a lot of this relationship stuff on me when it's nothing to do with me

Well ain't you just the best friend a girl can have.Hmm

Yup, you're right, it's nothing to do with you the shit that's going on in her life, or how skint she is, she should just suck it up, not bother you with it, and make sure you have a good time.

teaandtoast · 09/09/2017 13:36

I think even if you're having a tough time, you should make the effort for a friend's big celebration. Which was her idea anyway.

She's not much of a friend, imo.

Original poster
tilliemoo · 09/09/2017 13:54

@Bluntness100 I am supportive. We've talked about it loads and I'm always there for her. But there's a difference between that and her snapping at me and acting huffy when her relationship issues aren't my fault. If she wanted to cancel at any of these times I would have understood. But she comes along anyway and ruins the whole evening ranting and venting and not asking a single thing about me or my life.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 09/09/2017 13:59

Why don't you suggest having a bit of a girly night in instead? That will cut the cost down and seem less daunting for your friend if she's feeling low. It's horrible being skint and feeling torn between not wanting to let friends down but worrying about getting yourself deeper into the hole by sticking to plans.

I understand your frustration but it sounds like she's having a tough time.

Original poster
tilliemoo · 09/09/2017 14:01

Sorry I wasn't clear, she isn't actually poor, hence why I put it in ""

She's just bought a nee designer handbag and booked a mini break.

OP posts:
littlemisssweetness · 09/09/2017 15:37

Nobody else knows the true extent of someone's financial situation unless they are that person...

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 16:09

You've been best friends for a fair amount of time then OP. Neither of you are wrong, just going through different things at the same time. Seems like you're in a better place than her at the moment though. Be kind and suggest she needn't come to your event as you understand she's not in the right frame of mind at the moment and, as another poster suggested, arrange something else cheap for just the two of you.

Crunchymum · 09/09/2017 16:15

New partner + lots of relationship issues = a bit of a worry.

What are these issues? Is the relationship bad / abusive? (I had an ex who used to cause a row anytime I was due to go out without him so I'd be in a shit mood. Or he'd call me up during my night out and put the dampners on it) could it be something like this?

I'd be telling my friend in the nicest possible way that having so many issues, so early on doesn't bode well.

TitaniasCloset · 09/09/2017 21:52

I think she sounds quite selfish OP and at some point you will have to have a chat with her.

Is there someone else you can celebrate with at short notice?

I understand she is going through a rough time but part of being a good friend is putting aside your own issues occasionally to support your friend and being happy for them. She can't treat you as an unpaid counselling service and then prioritise other friends on your big night. Especially as she suggested it. If she didn't want to go she should have given you warning in advance so you could arrange something else.

TitaniasCloset · 09/09/2017 21:53

Hopefully you are out having a good time now.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 09/09/2017 23:18

she does not sound that good a friend, I know that if one of my best friends had just finished a course and it was important to her and she wanted to celebrate I would put aside my shit and help her celebrate!

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:21

I also think she's in a rather abusive early relationship so maybe a bit of kindness won't go a miss.

The Op has noticed a massive change in her friend.

Be kind OP but be direct and tell her so. But tell her you love her and always have for 8 years.

scootinFun · 09/09/2017 23:22

Did she turn up?

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:24

Her friend is in a constant bad mood due to fighting what she knows to be true but because she probably fancies the pants off and is of a baby wanting age, she is massively conflicted. Be her friend, be honest and be there.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 23:24

*him

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