To expect dd to help more at home?

[user1490465531]

My dd is nearly ten and I have been trying to get her to do a bit more in the house.
I'm just confused how much I should be expecting.
At the moment I pretty much do everything but AIBU to expect her to help with washing up and small house hold chores from time to time?
I don't want her to do all the housework for me just help out as I think she should be able to get drinks for herself as long as she's not touching anything hot.

She should be perfectly capable of cooking a meal at 10. No reason not to touch anything hot.

At ten they should be helping without being asked repeatedly. Small regular tasks work best or shared bigger clear outs.
She could be responsible for getting her own breakfast and clearing away.
Putting her things out ready for the next day.
Putting dirty clothes in laundry basket.
Stripping and making her own bed each week.
Laying table for supper.
Emptying and loading dishwasher.
Care of pets.
Hoovering once a week.

DS1 is ten and he is expected to:

Put his clothes in the laundry basket/put clean clothes away.

Do the dishes sometimes, as well as clear his own plate/cutlery every time (wee ones clear their own plates too)

Get his own drinks/snacks and if he's doing that get them for his wee brother and sister too (in the same way you'd make tea/coffee for anyone else while making your own)

Set the table for meals (again the wee ones do this too)

Tidy up after himself and not dump stuff on the floor for me to pick up.

He wants to learn to cook so has been helping me make basic meals.

My 9 year old can

Wash up
Set table
Clear table
Sort washing
Put washing on the line
Tidy up
Change bedding except putting on duvet cover
Hoover
Sweep
Mop with spray mop

He can also get his own drinks and cereal, and make toast and sandwiches

We have DS1 who is 11 and DS2 who is 6. Every night when we get back from school we put 15 minutes on the timer, put on music and do 15 minutes of chores. Everyone joins in. It might be hoovering, unloading the washer, loading the dishwasher, cleaning out the rabbits etc, but we all do the same amount. It really helps them see that chores are for everyone and since everyone's co-operating there's no resentment or "I'll do it later", it's simply become a habit.

At that age -

*Make own bed, open curtains and windows in room, emoty bedroom bin, bring down all crockery and put all own clothes in laundry basket, clear own plates and glasses from the table and put own coat and shoes away.

*A selection of household jobs, lay the table on set days, write out the shopping list, dusting, balling socks out of the dryer, take the recycling out, that sort of thing.

Top list is expected regardless. Bottom list could be tied to pocket money.

Tidy and hoover own room
Change pillow case sheet and duvet cover
Tidy desk
Load or unload the dishwasher up to once a day
Join in general tidying or quick ten minute tidy of all own stuff as needed.
What I do is help them to a certain extent with all these tasks while they are learning - so it overcomes reluctance and not knowing where to start (eg you do the pillow, I'll do the duvet ... moves on to them doing the full thing after a few times.) Invest in teaching them, it pays off! Also I find letting them choose to a certain extent when they do their jobs helps. And another trick I have is that I say I expect 'a chore a day' like dishwasher/recycling etc', whatever I ask them to do, bit in practice I only ask them to do it a few times a week, so they always jump to it, because they realise they haven't done their 'chore a day' .
Another thing I learnt on here is not to thank for chores - they are not doing it for you, they are doing it as part of a household, so they can feel pride on that, not in your gratitude. But 'thanks for doing it when I asked' is of course fine. I would start small with a novice 10'year old.

So OP do you always get her drinks and wait on her! She can definitely do things like that herself.

My DD is 10 and can get her drinks herself and has done for a couple of years. Usually juice or water but she can now make hot chocalate in the microwave. She also usually gets her own breakfast although she does sometimes cook bacon and eggs for both of us. I think you need to start introducing these things gradually to her.

Emptying the dishwasher is the most hated chore in our house but we all do this (DH, DD and I). DD also sometimes gets washing in from the line. She also puts her clean washing away in the drawers and puts her dirty washing straight in the laundry basket (well if its not kicked under the bed!)

She also helps with laying the table and getting us all drinks at dinner time and has done this for a couple years at least.

My dd is ten. She likes to help and volunteers to do the following - chop salad and veg for dinner , do small lots of washing up , put her own clothes away/helps me sort the family laundry. She also prepares her own lunch , gets herself drinks and keeps her room tidy. She bakes cakes and biscuits for the family independently (apart from the oven work) too.

Mine

Bring crockery
Make tea
Make own breakfast
Bring washing down
Put washing away
Sort socks

DS1 is 9.5. Every week he is expected to:

Hoover through
Clear the table after dinner/do the dishwasher
Put his own clean laundry away
Thoroughly clean/Hoover his room.

In addition to this he also:
Sorts his own uniform the night before
Empties & cleans his lunch box
Sometimes helps his younger siblings tidy their rooms - usually if he's been playing in there with them.
Bring the wheelie bin in after it's been emptied (it's too heavy when full for him to take it out).
Get breakfast for himself/siblings at the weekend. He doesn't have to do it for others if he doesn't want but he always does bless him.
Take dirty laundry through to the wash bin.

He certainly gets his own drinks, and those of his siblings if he's already doing his own and they ask. 6 year old does also get his own sometimes but can't always reach. He can make a cup of tea, toast, bake a cake with very minimal help, chops veg etc for dinner with DH/I. These are life skills, we'd be failing him if we didn't teach them IMO.

Any thoughts on giving a little bit of pocket money for some chores? DD8 does very little & I want that to change. Obviously there are jobs that won't be paid for

Well to be honest my dd does none of this. She will come home and sit on her ipad and I will normally get her drinks food and take all plates and cups out.
She has ocassionly helped out with washing up but she would never cook her own breakfast etc.
I am a little bit nervous of her using heated appliances for example making herself a cup of tea as I'd be worried she could spill the hot water but after reading this maybe I'm being over anxious.

Mine are 6 and 7.
They...
Clear the dining room table
Place cutlery and plates on the table.
Clear their plates
Make their drinks
Can make their own breakfast minus the toaster
Wash up when asked/load dishes
Put laundry in the basket and bring to the washing machine when asked
Put their clothes away

I'm a single working parent and just get so tired it would be nice for someone just to do the washing up for a change!

If you've explained what you'd like her to do and she still isn't doing it, just let her sit there and be thirsty til she gets her own drinks OP. At that age she should be well able.

I'm a teacher and forever encouraging this kind of thing to parents who ask about Independence development. It's such good training for them later on in life. Basic cookery, how to use a washing machine, hoovering, clearing the table, laying out their own clothes, making lunch...

Better to start now before she reaches her teens when even greeting her in the morning is a breach of her human rights, much less asking her to do something in the house

I have DD almost 8 and DS 6, I started them young, cruel mother that I am . They are responsible for tidying their own rooms, putting dirty laundry into basket, putting away clean clothes. They help regularly with other things, so setting the table, clearing away their own plates etc, wiping surfaces, emptying the dishwasher.

Both can use our washing machine though we really just let them do towels (not risking my nice clothes!) and between them they can do scrambled egg on toast/ beans on toast - with one of us in the kitchen of course and we have those little tongs for the toaster. DS quite likes to hoover badly.

To be clear they don't do all of this stuff all the time, certainly not to the extent that it's their responsibility. However they can if asked or often they'll ask to do it. As long as you show them how and supervise where appropriate they're fine. I think a little responsibility and independence really helps with their confidence. DD was very pleased with herself when her teenage cousin (15) stayed for a weekend and watched in amazement as DD made scrambled eggs for her - something my niece can't do!

Yes, she should be doing more.
Luckily this is really easily fixed. Stop making her drinks etc

My dds (now 8&6 but they've been doing this for a few years) are responsible for cleaning all their own mess and getting their own drinks.

Stop fetching and carrying for her! 5yo dd is able to fetch herself a glass if water and tidy away her wrappers and used crockery

I was making tea/coffee and heating up things like soup, porridge on the hob at that age. I was also responsible for stripping/making my bed, vacuuming my room, setting the table and occasionally washing up, taking the rubbish out and helping cooking dinner.

She can do a lot more than she does!

Both of mine (11 and 9) put clean clothes away, set table, empty the dehumidifier, help me with the Sainsbury's delivery and will help me unload the washing machine if I ask them to. They both get their own breakfast and drinks and the 11 year old will make tea. I do need to teach her to cook now she's at secondary. We have a dishwasher but they are expected to clear their own plates into it. So yes, I think you should expect more but you might have to build it up slowly.

Depends. Is she your only child/eldest, or just the eldest daughter?