to expect my mum to give my poorly DS babysitting priority over my not poorly niece?

[Ceebee74]

My parents live an hour and a half from me and my sister - my sister has 3 children and my parents tend to have one of them to stay every school holiday for a few days.

At the moment they have my 5 year old niece staying with them (the other 2 are looked after during the day by their other grandma) - she has been there since Sunday and the rule is that they tell them what day they are going home (in this case Thursday) unless the child wants to come home earlier.

Anyway, my DS is poorly (bad cold and cough and now bad d&V on top) so there is no way he can go to nursery tomorrow (I work Wed, Thurs and Fri) - I telephoned my mum yesterday to ask if she could come over and look after him tomorrow and Thursday - this is the first time I have asked her to do this - and she said not unless my niece wanted to come home early - otherwise, she may only be able to do it Thursday but she is not sure as it would mean getting up very early.

Now my niece is very shy and introvert and gets bullied a bit by her younger sister so I realise it is important that she has time away from her - and I don't think my mum wanted to upset her by bringing her home early. But surely, at 5, she is old enough to understand that her cousin is poorly and needs looking after?

Dh is fuming about this and says he is going to tell my mum when we next see her - he can't do anything as he is working away - so in the end, I have had to ring work and ask for holiday (even though I had some crucial interviews planned for tomorrow and Thursday) - I hate being so unreliable at work which I am at the moment as DS has been sent home 3 times already due to illness (which he has probably picked up there anyway!)

Am I being unreasonable about this?

ceebee, don't get sucked into it! You BOTH have the right to ask for parental leave if necessary. You are both parents. Your job is important too.

And your dh needs to be at least NEXT in line after you, not your mum! How very dare he be fuming with HER!

Ceebee74 someone had suggested that you investigate emergency childcare for this. I think thats a very helpful suggestion. I have several options in place for back up childcare, all of them costing an arm and a leg, simply because although I obviously put the health of my DS first I don't want to let work down either.

Hopefully i won't have to use them because when DS is sick I will either take time off DH will or my mum will come up but I feel a lot better having them in place.

Once your DS feels better why don't you also look into getting a baby sitting agency one evening to allow you and your DH to go out, that way you are not dependant on your Mum.
You do sound as if you could do with a nice night out.

I agree with Sunnysideup that it is a bit odd for your DH to be taking it all out on your mum, as though it's HER child who's ill! She's done her child rearing. To think that in X years time when my children have children, that THEIR partners will expect ME to automatically step in and help out actually makes my blood boil!

What's your DH's relationship like with your sister? Any chance he's jealous that your sister's MIL helps out with the childcare when his own mother can't and he's madly taking it out on your mum when your sister "has all this help"?

My you guys are bracing tonight.

Of course they should be annoyed - though maybe diplomatic and bite their tongue.

Children belong to everyone - what's this exclusivity that parents have 'chosen' to have children now have to bear all the 'consequences.

Not even like there's a culture in this country of kids supporting parents' old age. Raising kids is an act of sheer altruistic madness - truimph of hope over practicality. My peers will benefit from their taxes to pay for their retirement. My parents have the fun of grandchildren, watching them grow, showing off photos.

I think once in a while, a little 'free pass' is not too much to expect.

I'm self employed so dh has to take his sick leave if ds is ill. Can't you guys use your own sick leave for a child in the UK? Dh can use his own leave if I am sick and therefore can't look after ds.

Kif, I don't agree with you

Grandparents are there to enjoy the grandkids, not share the responsibilities of parenting them.

Thats the mum and dads job.

Esp if the child in question is sick with "bad cold and cough and now bad d&V on top", thats when mum or dad needs to be home for them

ceebee74, hope your little one gets better soon.

ceebee take time off work and look after ds.

when i was working, many years ago, dd1 was often ill with her eczema, there was a point wheni was taking her to the GP week after week. one day i was meant to be in work and dd1 woke up covered head to toe in a horrible blotchy rash, which ws a new one to me. so called work, told them dd1 was ill again and i wouldnt be coming in. i heard them muttering as i put the phone down. took dd1 to the GP who dx an allergic reaction, piriton and cream needed (by this point she was trying to tear her skin off). so i got her settled then walked with her in the buggy to work. saw the boss on the customer service desk(the one who had been muttering on the phone) took dd1 out of the buggy, put her on the desk and said 'THIS is why I am not in today' boss recoiled from dd1, who was looking a mess physically by then, and then said sorry and take off as much time as i needed with her.

never argues after that if she needed to see the GP when i was at work.

Ceebee, you probably have the message! But just wanted to say that IMO its a lot to expect your DM to travel all that way. My mum lives the same distance away and it would never occur to me to ask her to come up to look after DS for the day if he were ill. Like others say, I'd rearrange my hours at work or go off sick. Its a long way to travel. Also, my DS is only 2 but when he is unwell he wants mummy or daddy.

I hope you get something sorted.

Only read the first two responses but completely agree with them - this is your child.

You seriously want a 5 yr old to be sent away from her grandparents (where she is already staying, not even cancelling a planned meeting) so that you have childcare?!?!!

I think there is some harshness here. I think you are only being unreasonable in belittling your mother's commitment to your neice. I think 5 is too young to understand, and this sounds like a little girl with low esteem who is benefitting from her time with her grandparents. You are unlucky with the timing but I don't think that means you can then say they should do it even so because you haven't asked them before. Why don't you ask them at a mutually convenient time?

I am in a similar situation, family wise, in that my family and in laws are a similar distance away but my sister and SIL live much nearer and so are helped with babysitting much more. So family help is only really useful to me (mine are 6 and 2) in pre-arranged circumstances. DS is having an operation a week on Friday and DD is going to stay with MIL (my parents will be on hols) overnight.

It is hard when you first go back to work and also during the first winter when they are at nursery. But it definitely does get a lot easier IME until they start school and get exposed to a new set of germs! DD has had one day off all through the winter in fact since last April when she had tonsilitis and DS has had none although will have to a have a week off after this op. A good idea is to cultivate local friends who you can make reciprocal arrangements with if you need a couple of hours childcare at short notice. You help them, they help you.

I'm not saying a mum friend would work in this case, but there will be occasions in the future, particularly if you have more than one child to juggle in the future, and once they get school age. Friends I made when my DS was your DS's age, help me out now if, for instance, the childminder is on holiday they will have DS for an hour before school and collect him from school for me.

eh?

UK parenting/family culture is hugely isolating IMO.

Within families, I think 'from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs'. Strongly disagree that that the responsibility of raising children is exclusively the parents - kids belong to everyone and everyone is responsible for them.

Why does the niece have tp be sent away? A cold is not the plague.My SIL (who lives a fair way, so I didn't take her up on it - and is indeed English) offered to take Dd for her chicken pox quarantine week to stay with her family.

Why can't DM look after both? Couldn't she bring neice with her to your house? Oh...hang on....D&V perhaps not.

I think your DH is being unreasonable in being fuming. I don't think you are in being mildly peeved at the inconvenience but not at your mother (a quick "bugger it" under your breath would be acceptable ). If your mum is anything like mine she will be disappointed not to be able to help on this occasion. Make the most of her by asking her to help you out on other occassions when it is convenient so that you and DH can get away.

Being a working parent is a total PITA regularly. For most people it's a wing and a prayer type thing. I'm lucky in that I have the chance to work from home in emergencies but like you I don't like to take the p*ss too often. DH's job is also not conducive to working short hours/taking time off but mainly because he's self-employed and it wouldn't pay enough to justify his expenses if he did regularly. He has the flexibility though if he chooses. But saying that an industry is notoriously unfamily-friendly is self-defeating surely - it's never going to change unless people challenge it.

You see an old lady struggling up the stairs with heavy shopping.

"Nyeh, it's her responsibility, she shouldn't have bought so much shopping"

That's how I often feel parents are viewed - people who've made a 'lifestyle choice' that they then have to bear the consequences of to the bitter end, regardless of the difficulties and sacrifices made.

Frankly, working women (let alone any considerations of falling birth rates) are a non-starter without a culture of mutual support within families and communities. It's cute to say that a mother/father (but, face it, usually the mother) is responsible for her children and should take time off work when needed... but then we wonder why despite strong legistlation and lots of propaganda mptherhood and high-flying careers seem to refuse to mix.

It happens that child-bearing and career building are both optimally done in the 20-40 yrs window. So why not anticipate support - implicit if not in terms of regular childcare - from older members of your family who - I repeat HAVE AN INTEREST IN YOU HAVING CHILDREN, AND HAVE AN INTEREST IN YOU DOING WELL AT WORK AND EARNING POTS OF MONEY

kif it is the d&v that is the issue.

grumble grumble...

Still think everyone was far too hard on OP

Grumble grumble, that is what internet forum is about. Diversity.

If I was the grandmother in this scenario I would be very reluctant to look after a poorly baby, specially one with D+V.

I have been there with regard to work and sick kids, it's a pisser. One year I used up 22 out of my 28 annual leave days on looking after ill kids (chicken pox...nuff said.

Without reading the rest of the thread, yes you are being unreasonable. Your sister is away and in order for your mum to look after your DS it means she has to come back early to pick up her daughter, then your mum has to travel for an hour and a half to clean up sick and poo and snot. Its a mothers job (or fathers) to look aftern an ill child, whether it means you take time off work or not.

So, your husband expects your mother to dump your neice and go back on her prearranged commitment, so your sister will have to find alternative childcare, then drive and hour and a half to look after a child with an illness she may well end up catching herself (indeed, probably will), and your husband dares to be 'fuming'. Bloody hell. If I ever have a son in law who dares to start shouting at me because he won't take up his own responsibilities I don't like to think what my response would be.
Take a day off work.

When i went back to work after ds, both me & DH ended up taking 2 weeks each off over a 5 mth period as he was poorly....so i totallly sympathise. Plus both MIL and my mum did help out on odd days, but it is a nightmare. I was grateful they offered to help, but i didn't expect them to, iyswim? At the end of the day we knew these things would crop up when we decided to have children, and when i fell preg again i made the decision to give up work...just as well really, since they started school/nursery/preschool at least one of them has been ill every couple of weeks. Like someone else said i would be peeved and stressed but not annoyed....btw, anyone seen Xenia????

I haven't read all the posts on this thread, but yes I think you are being unreasonable. In this situation, if my dh was funing and about to say something to my mum I'd be really angry with him. Your Mum has already made arrangements to have your niece, it would be unfair to send her home early.

I haven't read all the posts on this thread, but yes I think you are being unreasonable. In this situation, if my dh was funing and about to say something to my mum I'd be really angry with him. Your Mum has already made arrangements to have your niece, it would be unfair to send her home early.

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