to expect my mum to give my poorly DS babysitting priority over my not poorly niece?

[Ceebee74]

My parents live an hour and a half from me and my sister - my sister has 3 children and my parents tend to have one of them to stay every school holiday for a few days.

At the moment they have my 5 year old niece staying with them (the other 2 are looked after during the day by their other grandma) - she has been there since Sunday and the rule is that they tell them what day they are going home (in this case Thursday) unless the child wants to come home earlier.

Anyway, my DS is poorly (bad cold and cough and now bad d&V on top) so there is no way he can go to nursery tomorrow (I work Wed, Thurs and Fri) - I telephoned my mum yesterday to ask if she could come over and look after him tomorrow and Thursday - this is the first time I have asked her to do this - and she said not unless my niece wanted to come home early - otherwise, she may only be able to do it Thursday but she is not sure as it would mean getting up very early.

Now my niece is very shy and introvert and gets bullied a bit by her younger sister so I realise it is important that she has time away from her - and I don't think my mum wanted to upset her by bringing her home early. But surely, at 5, she is old enough to understand that her cousin is poorly and needs looking after?

Dh is fuming about this and says he is going to tell my mum when we next see her - he can't do anything as he is working away - so in the end, I have had to ring work and ask for holiday (even though I had some crucial interviews planned for tomorrow and Thursday) - I hate being so unreliable at work which I am at the moment as DS has been sent home 3 times already due to illness (which he has probably picked up there anyway!)

Am I being unreasonable about this?

yes

she's raised her children, I'm afraid

Agree with MP.

And if she's already committed to anything, be it looking after your neice or anything else, it's unfair to ask her to drop her plans for you. The fact that your children are your priority doesn't mean they should be anyone else's.

yep you are and more so your dh - fuming? it is nice if grandparents can and want to help out, but you have absolutely no right to expect or demand this or to say you did this for her you have to do it for me. she has a prior arrangement to honour.

I think this is bad luck really. I don't agree that people should drop one committment just because another one comes along.

I think you need to make your own arrangements - you should be able to get cover through a nanny agency who should be able to provide a temp to come in and cover for you. You can try ringing a few now - some shoudl have an out of hours emergency number.

I think your DH is being very unreasonable. Why can't his parents cover. Better still he can take the time off tomorrow. Why on earth should it always be you who does it?

Thanks for the comments - I am only a little bit upset but as I say, DH thinks it is completely unreasonable.

Only have MIL and she is not capable of babysitting (old and frail). Dh can't do it because he is working away on a project that he can't get out of.

Not your mum's problem I'm afraid. But it is half your dh's problem and I'm not sure having a go at your mum is the best way forward for future babysitting.

I agree yes you are, it is your child who is ill so as a mother you should take the time off to look after him.

Also as your mother has your niece how do you think she would feel if she was just sent home because her couson was going to be looked after by grandma? I understand your ds is poorly but surly it is your responsibility to look after your child if & when they are ill, not your mothers!

I also think your dh is being very unreasonable to be fuming why does he not take the time off to look after his son?

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your mum can't drop everything to help you out. Inconvenient but life I'm afraid.

And if your son is poorly then it's not unreasonable for mum or dad to take a day off work is it?

And as for your comment "But surely, at 5, she is old enough to understand that her cousin is poorly and needs looking after?" errrr no she's not old enough to have to understand your childcare issues, it's nothing to do with her.

If your mum can't help, not won't help, but can't help then it's just how it is.

Hope your son feels better soon.

You say your Dh has a project to do but what is his priority his ds's health or his work?

how would you feel if your child would be pushed out of the way because suddenly your mum needed to look after one of the other grandkids due to their parents work commitments and them being ill?

Saying that...why can't your Dad llok after your niece and your mum come to look after your lil one...you say your MIL is to old and frail to babysit for you...does the same go for your father, would he be unable to cope wiht your 5 year old niece?

not your mum's problem. its yours and your dh's. Like someone already said, she's raised her children. You should feel lucky she has your kids at all, some people get no help.

Also if it is D&V it is better NOT to put baby in touch with NEW people. I would not let my mother look after my children if they had D&V - really horrid.

Yes, unreasonable IMO. You, your DH and your mother all have commitments other than looking after your DS. The difference is that you and your DH are his parents, so it's your responsibility and your commitments that will have to suffer. No reason your mother should drop her granddaughter just because you don't have backup childcare.

Eek, I'm afraid I agree with the others. This is yours and dh's problem - nobody else's.

Yes I'm afraid you are.

You're stressed and irritated and you are making your mum the punchbag - and I would be concerned that if your dh mentions that he was 'fuming' she may not feel like helping at all in future.

You are being unreasonable, sorry, but this is not your mums or sils prob imo, you or your dh or your nanny/friend/au pair should stay at home.

I find I can't yet predict how MNers are going to react to an 'am I being unreasonable'. Usually you're really sympathetic and supportive in this case you're well hard, (rightly I.M.O.). Interesting.

I have no support, repeat none whatsoever.

My parents live in Ireland, my MIL were she alive would be 100 miles away and my FIL who has since remarried is in a home for the bewildered.

My SIL is neither use nor ornament. She would not change her plans several years ago to allow us to go Christmas shopping for DS's first Christmas. She was not doing anything but did not want to discommode her DH. I asked in September, but golf is sooooooo important. Doncha know.

To this end, I have returned to work for only 20 hours a week, we are not rich we are not poor. I rely on nobody and I like it that way.

If my child is sick, I swallow down my pride and rearrange my hours.

Fail to see why your DH is holding your Dm accountable. TBH

I'm afraid I think you're being a bit hard on your mum too and I really would try and persuade DH to keep his mouth shut over this.

It sounds like your mum is willing to help you out when she can, and that is a very valuable resource. You really don't want DH to mess that up.

I was a single mum for 9 years during which I worked full time 35 miles away from where I lived. My mum NEVER in all that time offered to help me with my son - which I would only ever have hoped for in extreme situations (me very ill, childminder ill etc) on a handful of occasions, yet she knew that I had no other support, was brassick and often had to take unpaid leave which I couldn't afford when all other avenues like annual leave and emergency leave had expired.

Meanwhile, she looked after my sister's two children EVERY single week for a day while my sister worked p/t round the corner ..... and as my sister's MIL & DH looked after the kids on the other 2 days, it meant she had NO childcare to pay at all.

Now THAT is a real example of a mother favouring one child over another. I have no idea why she never helped me but it still hurts - a lot, for me and my son.

Sorry, I somewhat hijacked your thread there. Just don't underestimate what your mum does do and treasure it.

I have to say that I am a little taken aback at the harshness of these replies tbh - although I realise if you are going to start a thread under this topic, you should accept that. I accept that yes I obviously am being unreasonable - but I have taken advantage of my employers enough times in the 2 months I have been back that their patience is going run out eventually. I guess I am just a first-time mum who didn't realise how hard it was going to be.

Although I would just like to add that me and DH have very little support - the only support we have is my parents - who aren't local. We have not had one night out since DS was born (9 months ago) as we have no-one to babysit and this is the first time in nearly 9 months that I have asked my mum to babysit - she has done it enough times for my sister so I don't think I am unreasonable to ask her to do it for me occasionally (and I think once in 9 months would not exactly be classed as onerous would it?) - obviously on this occasion the timing is bad.

But I just wanted to make it clear that I am not some free-loading daughter who expects her mum to drop everything to babysit - me and DH have cancelled things before now so we didn't have to ask her.

I think it's all been said about the AIBU bit so I won't go on, just actually wanted to add my sympathies to you, as you say you are finding the difficulties of being a working mum and how the workplace is not a forgiving place for people with caring responsibilities.

i really would recommend that you and your dh sit down together and you make him painfully aware that you BOTH have caring responsibilities; it is so, so easy for it all to come down on the mum, whether it be time off or arranging the care; it's your DH's responsibility too; what would he have done if you had brick-walled this like he has "I have appointments I cannot back out of" is as valid as "working away on a project he cannot get out of".

Don't let it fall all on you. It's a recipe for stress.

Start a thread in Chat along the lines of "Aaaargh! DS is ill AGAIN and I have to take MORE time off work" and you'll get plenty of sympathy (admittedly not necessarily unalloyed sympathy (thinking of some posters who would weigh in there)), because all WOHMs have been there (unless they have particularly good SAHDs or nannies).

But precisely because we have all been there, we know that this is just one of the drawbacks of parenthood and parental responsibility. It's one of those things you have to suck up and deal with, not something to take out on your mother because she has other plans. And the fact that your DH had expressed the intention of (more or less) picking a fight with your mother over it probably caused a lot more bluntness here than there might have been otherwise -- no one wants to leave you in any doubt that that would be a Very Bad Idea.

It will get better, though -- DS was almost constantly off with one thing or another the first couple of months at nursery, but then it settled down and now (at 2) he's hardly ever ill (although, having said that, chicken pox is doing the rounds of his nursery class at the moment so DH and I are nervously looking at our work diaries for a few weeks' time...).

I do think you should talk to your mother about her sitting for your DS, sometime that she doesn't have a prior commitment, so that you and DH can have an evening to yourselves.

cee bee it IS hard, no doubt about that

it's SHIT when you've got TWO - sometimes it feels like one is ALWAYS off sick

You do need to shrae the burden of sick-days with your DH, otherwise you are going to end up feeling really resentful - your job is important too!

I appreciate your comments about sharing the days with DH - DH works in an industry that is not renowned for it's family-friendly policies (whereas I work for the NHS which is supposed to be family-friendly ) so whatever anyone says, it is harder for him to take time off - however, he does work from home a lot which is fine - it is just at the moment, he is on a 2-month project away from home (the flipside to him being at home a lot I guess)

Also, from a purely monetary point of view, DH earns 4 times what I do so at the end of the day, his job is more valuable to us so we both agree that it is more important that he doesn't p* off his employers.

I know a lot of people won't agree with that argument but that is our view - we could just about afford for me to lose my job, we definitely couldn't afford for him to lose his.

Oh btw, if I do start a thread as suggested by Lemonaid, will you all come and be nice to me?

Feeling a little low tonight as it is because DH is away and DS hasn't eaten or drunk anything in 3 days!