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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my kids to visit ex MIL any more

20 replies

gingergenius · 08/09/2017 20:15

Exdh and I have a reasonable coparenting relationship. He has a new partner (for about 3 years). Kids mostly like her but recently tensions have ramped up just because the DC are getting older and want Ming more of a say in arrangements which has led to some slanging matches between there is no love list between DS15 and GF.

He came home last weekend sobbing and various snippets of info have come to light: e.g. GF telling DS15 that he's fucking selfish for wanting to come home (even tho there have been many times when he's stayed over and not really wanted to etc), but the worst revelation is that he recently overheard a convo between GF and exMIL slagging me off while my kids were there on a visit.

There is no love lost between myself and exMIL as I was never good enough in her eyes (when I was married she would phone DH and slag me off to him etc) but I've never stood in the way of the DC having a relationship with her and have tried not to let my personal opinions of her get in the way if that.

However, after things blew up with DS15 and exDH he has confirmed that DS15 was accurate in his recall and that the GF and exMIL were indeed slagging me off in earshot.

DS15 doesn't want to see her anymore and doesn't want to sleepover at his dad's any more and I will allow the other two to make up their minds too, without too much influence from me as I want to be fair.

But AIBU to REALLY not want them to see his spiteful poisonous mother (she spent my wedding day telling everyone and anyone who would listen how much she hated her partner so has form for this sort of behaviour)

Am I being a precious snowflake? Wwyd?

OP posts:

Original poster

gingergenius · 08/09/2017 20:18

Sorry first para should've read:
Exdh and I have a reasonable coparenting relationship. He has a new partner (for about 3 years). Kids mostly like her but recently tensions have ramped up just because the DC are getting older and want more of a say in arrangements which has led to some slanging matches between DS15 and GF. DS15 has ADHD AND ASD

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 08/09/2017 20:21

You are not being precious at all she sounds like a bitch.

Luckily your kids see this as well and are supporting you. I would just back them up in their decision whether to see their father or not.
I don't know your background with exH but if he kicks up a fuss be honest with him and tell him they don't want to stay with him because they don't enjoy his gf and you won't force them.

Good luck

Shumpalumpa · 08/09/2017 20:22

YANBU. How old are your other DC? Ex needs to stand up for his DC with his GF and DM.

MadMags · 08/09/2017 20:27

They're not obliged to like you, or even be civil about you.

And your ds is not obliged to have to listen to people slagging off his mum! He's old enough to choose not to see either of those witches again!

How old are the younger kids?

Original poster

gingergenius · 08/09/2017 20:27

12.5 and 9. It's all just got a lot more complicated as they're getting older. Had major convos with exdh last weekend as GF has been overheard call my DD9 a spoilt bitch under her breath (loud enough that DD heard). They hate, as do most kids, conflict and I'm a bit tiger-mum as I'm on my own and sometimes probably overreact and possibly project my own concerns too. Try not to but it's hard sometimes. If I catch myself doing it I give myself a mental slap. This has really upset me though.

OP posts:

MadMags · 08/09/2017 20:31

as GF has been overheard call my DD9 a spoilt bitch under her breath (loud enough that DD heard

Hell would freeze over before she got anywhere near my children again!

And he's a prick for allowing this crap.

If I were you, I'd be blocking contact unless it was just him and only if that horrible woman apologised to the dc.

RosemaryHoight · 08/09/2017 22:41

You can't call a nine year old a bitch.

What a terrible thing to do.

Your poor children, they don't deserve any of this.

Ttbb · 08/09/2017 22:47

Perfectly reasonable. If he doesn't want to go then just let him not go. He can always change his mind if he wants to.

HeddaGarbled · 08/09/2017 23:34

Your 15 year old is old enough to make his own decisions about whether he wants to spend time with his dad's girlfriend and also with his grandmother. I would try and encourage him to keep seeing his dad though. If there's a rift now, it will be difficult to fix and I think your son will be seriously affected by a rift with his dad at this vulnerable age.

I have experienced life with two 15 year olds so know they can be a bit over dramatic and self absorbed and will react to every minor or perceived criticism as if they are the most abused adolescent in living history, "you just want to ruin my life!" etc.

However, I think you are saying that your ex has confirmed that what your son is saying is correct? Does your ex intend to do anything about that?

With regard to the younger two, it doesn't sound like they want to stop visiting so I would not make any change there. What is your ex intending to do about the "spoilt bitch" remark?

endofthelinefinally · 08/09/2017 23:37

Grandparents have no rights to contact.

Original poster

gingergenius · 09/09/2017 12:01

I have said to DD15 that it is important to keep a relationship with his dad. ExDH can becrather rigid in terms of adapting to the changing needs of the DC and flexible thinking is not his throng point!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 09/09/2017 12:40

Time for a meeting with your DH.

His partner called your nine year old a bitch. I presume she won't be seeing them again?

His mother sounds like she's made her bed and is happily in the process of losing her grandchildren, who are startign to vote with their feet. Good.

Tell your DH he's got some quick thinking to do before he joins his mother in having the children want nothing more to do with him.

Make it clear that right now, you've told DS that he should have a relationship with his father. Whether you continue to give that advice now depends on what he plans to do in order to let his GF know exactly how she has overstepped the line and exactly why she won't be spending time with the children any more.

Whatsername17 · 09/09/2017 12:52

How has your ex reacted to his gf being awful.towards his kids? Calling them names is never ok and he is massively unreasonable to not be proactively trying to improve this situation and telling his gf to be kinder towards his kids.

UnicornSparkles1 · 09/09/2017 12:54

This is appalling! How has your ex reacted to his mother and GF slagging you off in front of the kids and the GF calling your DD a bitch?

Original poster

gingergenius · 09/09/2017 13:34

I sent him a message last night saying I was unhappy with the situation. He has yet to respond but typically he doesn't do confrontation and his answer when confronted with the 'spoilt bitch' comment was to say he wasn't there so couldn't comment. He will always jump to his GFs defence and accused my DS15 of 'spinning me a yarn' in relation to DS's comments about the GF.

ExDh has said we will discuss but I know from bitter experience that he is unlikely to stand up to either his mum of his GF and would happily minimise the kids' comments rather than fave the problem. I will keep pursuing the issue as it is not ok in my book and he needs to have a word. If I don't push it, he will avoid the discussion in the hope it will just go away.

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Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 14:07

I think you shoud let the kids decide. The ones who don't want to stay with their dad should see him outside of his home, alone. His girlfriend isn't his wife. The kids shouldn't need to see her if they don't want to.

Original poster

gingergenius · 09/09/2017 20:53

@Nuttynoo this is the stance I have adopted.

Update:
DD said last weekend she'd like to see her dad this w/e even though it wasn't scheduled. Always happy to facilitate contact - exDH got in touch saying did she still want to see him? DD said yes. ExDH then said that he was at a football match but his exGF's niece and nephews were over, whom my DD likes. I'm not going to stand in my DD's way of a play date so said I was happy if she was happy. When she left, eldest DS15 asked if she could bring a chocolate bar he had left there last weekend.

ExDH just dropped her home and reported that exDH's girlfriend has said DS15 can't have the chocolate bar back until she has received an apology and that she was so upset about everything she had to take a day off work.

I'm fucking furious. I've said overnight stays are suspended until he can speak to both his GF and his mother to make it clear their behaviour in front of my kids is unacceptable.
Please tell me I haven't overreacted?

OP posts:

Nomoresunshine · 09/09/2017 20:57

Huge mammoth bar of choc across her face should sort her right out.
Keep the dc away.
Tell exh he needs to spend some time with dc and not that troll. .

MadMags · 09/09/2017 21:09

I really don't think that fucking witch should be around your children...

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 22:10

Okay so your ex needs to break up with the woman. He shouldn't be with anyone who can't get on with his kids.

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