To be unhappy that my DNiece has described both my DDs as spoiled brats, or annoyed with MIL for passing it on to P

[Mittens1969]

Twice now, my MIL has passed on to my DH comments that my DNiece (now 13) has said to her about my DDs. The first time was a few years ago, when DD1 was only 3 and she had joined our family plus MIL on a caravan holiday.

I don't know what prompted the comment but shrugged it off as DN was only 8 and was probably fed up with being forced to hang out with a 3 year old. (DD1 was an only child, adopted, at that time whereas DN is one of five, so that probably played a part. She's the third DC of my BIL and SIL.)

Fast forward 5 years and we were all visiting the family at their house. Our DDs love to play with their cousins, but DD2 was very clingy at first and didn't want me to leave her side at all for the first hour. Eventually, one of the cousins offered to show her their pet rabbits and she trotted off with him happily. It's always been a bit like this the times we've visited, they've had sleepovers there in the past and DD1, who is much closer to their cousins' ages being one year younger than their youngest, loves going there. DD2 is much more uncertain and she's always been a bit clingy when we arrive at someone else's house. She's 5 now.

Anyway, this DN apparently told me that DD2 was a spoiled brat. So this is the second time. I don't know what made her say that, but once again it was MIL who passed this on to DH.

I've no idea why she would feel the need to do that, unless she kind of agrees with DN's complaint. She has complained about DD2's clinginess before, said to my DH, 'You were never like that.' And to me, 'We all know why that is.' So I wonder if she's repeating it because she thinks I'm spoiling them. With DD2 she might well think I'm turning her against her grandma because we're not close.

I actually can't think of any good reason for her to have told me. I'm also hurt by DN's comment, although I know she's only 13. (It probably would have been better not to know, but it's out there now.)

I know, another MIL thread. She does mean well, but she's extremely insensitive. She muscles in on conversations between DH and me and her stays at our house and our visits to her are always very stressful.

I don't object to her coming but she stays for 5/6 days and by the end of it I'm desperate for her to go!

Tbh it doesn't seem imo something that an eight year old or even 13 year old would come out with and I think you are right keeping that in perspective. Has she heard it from an adult? Not the term spoiled brats exactly but that you are soft or you spoil your girls. So has dn repeated your mil rather than mil repeating dn. not necessarily but it's just what came to my mind.
It's also Perfectly normal behaviour for a small child to be clingy to their mum around relatives they don't see that often. Doesn't sound like spoilt behaviour at all. I would also be ready to say that if mil comments again as well as you are wondering what on earth prompted dn to make such a remark in the first place.

Why does she come for so long? Where does she live?
I would discard dn comment, she's 13 I also agree Mil has an agenda and that is why she said it.

So your niece says this to your MIL who then tells your husband? Is that right?

When I was around five I had a friend (I don't know why my parents allowed me to spend time with her but they were friends with her parents and we were the same age so maybe that is why). She was always very unkind to me (I was a bit of a cry baby and easily upset). She wasn't like this with other children we knew. My parents thought that it was because I was soft but then one day she told my father that she 'hated' me 'because I always got whatever [I] wanted'. Basically she was resentful which was not unreasonable, her parents were not as attentive as mine and did not spoil her as much as they mine did (ironically she was the child that would demand toys in toy shops while I was the state silently and longingly type but that's another story). Is it possible that your DN is not happy in her family?

You have to deal with adopted children differently from birth children and our DNiece might have been commenting on that. BIL and SIL did use to smack their DCs and were very much on the strict side.

DNiece was with DD1 for a week and her behaviour has always been challenging. DD2 by contrast has been quiet and clingy when we've visited and she was very wary when she was staying there. So I can't see how she could remotely have been seen as spoiled.

Re my MIL, I can well believe that she might have had an agenda, because of what she said about DD2's clinginess.

She stays for that long because she has a longish coach drive and I felt bad saying no to her staying that length of time.

And yes, DNiece tells her grandma and she tells DH. He then tells me. I don't get it at all. If a child made such a comment to me I just wouldn't repeat it.

@Ttbb, Yes, that's possible. She has 2 older brothers and 2 younger siblings. That might mean that she doesn't get much attention.

I suspect she's using 'spoilt brat' to mean something a bit different to what an adult would mean if they said it. She just means she finds them a bit annoying. And you know, however lovely your DDs are, they probably are a bit annoying to an older child. Most older kids - particularly 13-year-olds - find younger kids quite irritating and attention-hogging at times, even if they're not actually doing anything wrong. Plus, if you parent in a different way to your DN's parents, then maybe your kids do seem spoilt to her, in comparison to what she's used to. I used to think my cousins were spoilt, but looking back now they totally weren't! I really wouldn't bat an eyelid at what your DN says, honestly.

The real issue here is that your MIL is running to your DH like a playground snitch and he's running to you. The pair of them really do just need to stop stirring. I would tell your DH quite firmly that you don't want to hear it any more. It's just upsetting you unnecessarily.

Your MIL sounds like she either enjoys the game "let's you and him fight: family drama edition" and is an instigator, or SHE feels your daughter is spoiled but doesn't want to say it herself.
Ugh

Given the history with your MIL, I wonder if the niece ever said this at all. It would be a perfect cover story for your MIL to make a dig at you. She obviously has no hesitation in hurting your feelings. She knows damn well your husband is going to tell you. Why do this, other than to stir up shit? Why on earth would you need to know what some dumb kid said? I would confront your MIL if I were you and ask for an explanation.

Seriously I would ask DH why he feels the need to pass on such unkind comments. I would tell him that you don't wish to hear them unless he tells his mother to STFU with them.

your MIL is a shit stirrer and you need to come up with a plan with your DH to shut her down if she tries to do it again.

A curt - don't relay bitchy comments from a child we're not interested in the shit stirring - should do the trick.

The problem is your mil actually. Tell her to stop passing it on as you're not interested in hearing

Shit stirer mil

I know, I totally get why DNiece would say it, a 13 year old would be very likely to find a 5 year old irritating. I'm not exactly surprised. But it has occurred to me that it might have been a way for her to make a dig at me, because why would she pass it on?

I do wonder about the supposed comment about DD2, though, because she wasn't behaving like a brat at all, she was just very clingy, and in view of our previous argument about the clinginess I did wonder if she invented that one. (Lying isn't something she normally does though.)

Kids behave very, very differently around other kids. It's possible your girls are getting into your neice's things, or trying on her stuff?

If my 13yr old granddaughter told me that she thought my younger GDs were spoilt brats I'd tell her not to be so nasty, not pass it on to the mother!

I do think it was a very odd thing to do, a granddaughter will say such things to her grandma but there was no reason for me to know, or DH for that matter.

I think she also over shares with my DH, has a distinct lack of boundaries, she's very dependent on him emotionally.

It's a bit weird too because there are 2 nieces and they've always loved playing with the DDs. It feels like MIL is trying to meddle in the relationships between the cousins. My SIL has always said how well our DDs behave when they're there.

Why did your partner pass this on? What was the point of that? Does he inherit his mother's need to stir the pot?

I actually think that one of the problems is the family's lack of knowledge and awareness around the need for different parenting for adopted children, and wonder if there's some insidious or low level education you can give without drawing attention - such as oh of course it seems like Lola is clingy but it's wonderful to see the attachment grow as we spend so much time together, or yes Lola can be demanding but of course who can blame her given her early start. Maybe even go with gosh it's hurtful when others see our babies as being spoilt when we are doing our very best for them given their needs, to shame Mil into keeping quiet in future!

@Pillowaddict, thank you, that's a great suggestion! It did make me sad to think that I was seen as spoiling DD2 because I was spending time reassuring her. She is wary around people she doesn't know.

@RhiWrites, I really don't understand that, no, it would have been better not to know. I don't listen to their phone calls so there was no need to repeat it. He knows things are not easy between me and his DM. I think he was a bit upset himself probably.