Playgroup date etiquette

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Hello mumsnetters,

I have gone to a playgroup with a mum friend for over a year now with our two 3 great olds as they get on great and we get on v well too. Last year I had a baby so she came too. Circumstances are changing slightly now. My eldest is going to preschool in the mornings but I will continue going with my youngest. My friend has just had a baby and said she'd continue to go with her eldest so we'd all carry on usual but without my DS. three of my mum friends have just left so she's the only one left now!! For context I am mainly a SAHM and do some freelance work so going to playgroups is a regular thing.

This morning I bumped into her and she suggested to me we would need to find another day to meet, maybe, because the preschool is too far from the playgroup we attend. My husband was there and even he detected a kind of vibe that she was angling to loosen the arrangement. I know she is keen to meet other mums with new babies.

Last year, she cancelled our playdate last minute and said some excuse. But on my way to the group I passed her friend and her baby who was clearly on her way to her house. I mentioned I was off to playgroup and running late. Her friend looked uncomfortable tbh.

So, if my friend is/ does wriggle out of our arrangement, directly or indirectly, what should I say? I am concerned she will do it indirectly and piss me about a bit.

Any thoughts welcome

Thx

Don't say anything. Continue with your plans and if she chooses to go somewhere else then so be it?

If you want to go to playgroup, go on your own. If she is there too, great - if not, chat to others and make new acquaintances. If I had a friend that I saw regularly at a playgroup I wouldnt consider my attendance 'an arrangement' nor that I should be viewed as 'wriggling out of it' if I decided not to go for a week (or any more at all). Maybe if she has a new baby she wants the comfort of her own home for a while. Are you a little bit clingy/needy? That is the vibe I get from your post (sorry, but it is not helpful to not be honest).

Hi and thx for your messages. It is an arrangement in terms of that we meet at mine first then go home together as live near each other. Yes, I can approach it more lightheartedly. I try not to come across as needy at all by always responding lightly and not saying anything. I just wondered what others would do if someone they wait for did cancel last minute etc. I've offered to collect her eldest for her and take her so she can stay at home so I'm not being dense about it. I guess as she cancelled me for another friend last minute perhaps I'm a bit wary. Not sure.

I guess what is happening is that I'm taking it a bit personally.

I think you need to just relax really. Does it make any practical difference to you if she cancels last minute?? Perhaps she didnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you the other friend was visiting her because you werent invited. I think you are reading way too much into it.

Hi emsyj37. Well, yes, I waited and around 15mins before group started she cancelled so I got there half hour late. This is hardly terrible being late for a p group but my kids were going a bit nuts waiting around. And if we arranged to go out for morning then she invite friend round to hers instead and not invite me isn't that a bit off?

You don't know for sure that she did actually invite the friend to her house though? You're just assuming that's where she was going?

If she's flakey then just text her that you're going to playgroup as normal and you'll see her there if she's planning to go.

I would have texted her at the time when you needed to set off to say, 'Setting off now so see you there if you're going - if not see you soon!' I wouldnt have hung around waiting. Clearly you feel this is a fixed arrangement and she doesnt.

Yes, I can see how I should respond. My life would be easier if I had that head on me. I do believe it has been a fixed arrangement. Maybe I'm completely wrong!

I waited for her because she waited ages for me when my DD was born.

From now on if she's late just text to say that you've left and you'll meet her there. It all sounds very intense. I attend a toddler group with a couple of people on my road, we don't arrange to walk up together as often we're late tying to get children out the house so if we bump into each other on the way it's great, if not we'll see each other there.

I used to be like you OP - you need to lower your expectations and reduce your investment in casual social friendships. Do your own thing and do what suits you and is convenient - that's what everyone else is doing! And the best advice - 'keep it light'.

Your ds is no longer available to play with her ds. Perhaps he doesn't really want to go to play group without him there. You are the one, who's changed the dynamic, not her. She could easily be posting this scenario in an AIBU.

I guess it is a bit intense sounding now I look at it. None of my other mum meets have been like that at all. To be fair she did initiate the whole wait-for- each-other part of it. I quite fancy checking out a mum and toddler yoga thing the same day so maybe I should just go ahead and do my own thing.

i had a friend who relied on me too much it made me want to hide from her (on mat leave) I felt bad but some days I just changed my mind (which is ok) or had had a bad night etc. and couldn't be bothered getting dressed, or decided to go to Ikea. It's quite draining to be responsible for someone else.

I think checking out the new yoga class thing sounds a very good idea. FWIW I don't think you sound needy and you obviously got on well with this woman for her to suggest the waiting for each other arrangement in the first place, it's just that with small children, some friendships just fit really well at certain times and not at others. Don't take it personally, you'll probably meet some more nice people at the next class or even pick things up with this woman again in the future.

I think as others have said, she just wants a less tying or 'formal' arrangement - she;s just had a baby, babay maynot sleep well, or she's feeling tired or sometimes just doesn't feel like trekking out to playgroup. That's fine, I;d just suggest that itm igth be easier if you agree you'll meet at playgroup if you are both there,but no worries if one of you can;t make it the other will go anyway.
When her newbabay is a bit bigger and at the crawling tddling stage, she might be happy to go back to the old arrangement. But some babies just won't let you be organised or committed to standing arrangements - you have to go with the flow a bit.
Yoga thing sounds fun - I'd definitely give that a go, - you might meet some new folk who fancy going to the playgroup too.

Just carry on and windle her out. You owe her nothing... your kids got on great as babies and you appreciated each other at the time. You're not married and it's perfectly acceptable to 'grow out' of arrangements and part in good terms.

I had a friend and we did so much stuff together then sort of stopped dont really know why but when you have gone together for years its a bit strange for them not to come but no say why. I think do your own thing thats what i did. Still sort of wish i knew what happened really but My lb started am nursery and was too tired gor the groups so i had to stop going which meant i stopped seeing my cousin as much as we had met at a couple of afternoon groups. Now my lb doesnt nap but her lg naps at lunch so she doesnt meet till later and sometimes we cant do later. I think things just change sometimes and things stop working for one reason or another . If you want to keep going to playgroup keep going if you want to try something else do that but it does seem like she wants to still see you perhaps on another day or less of a set day type thing

Thanks for all the messages. I think I need to tune in to what I want to do more, which is try out the yoga class for a bit, for a change, as she may just be responding to her own need for change and I'm not listening to mine.