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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to find her

22 replies

Itching · 07/09/2017 18:17

My Mum had a baby at a young age before me. She was forced to give her up and never really got over it.

I have a brother and a half sister now. She would be my half sister too.

AIBU to want to find her?

All I know about her is she was adopted by a Jewish family, had auburn hair and was adopted in the Manchester area.

I tried to contact the local authorities but they had no record...

AIBU to want to find her?

OP posts:

Newtothis2017 · 07/09/2017 18:21

I don't mean this badly but yes yabu. It is up to the person who was put up for adoption to decide if they want to find your mum and any half siblings.

ButchyRestingFace · 07/09/2017 18:23

YANBU to want to to find her.

YWBU to actually try to find her.

Do you not have a good relationship with your siblings?

Racingraccoons · 07/09/2017 18:26

I think it's her choice (as the adoptee) to find you.
However you are not unreasonable to want to find her.

Original poster

Itching · 07/09/2017 18:48

No I have a very good relationship with other siblings. I cant explain it. I dont know why I want to find her. I guess its silly really. We have no reason to be connected other than we share a biological mother

OP posts:

ILoveMillhousesDad · 07/09/2017 18:51

She might not even know she is adopted, so I think you need to wait for her to come to you, if she wants to.

emmyrose2000 · 08/09/2017 10:12

I think it's perfectly understandable to want to find her. I'd be very curious too, in your shoes. For that YANBU.

But, unfortunately, it's probably unreasonable to actually do it. She may have no idea she's even adopted, or have her own reasons for not wanting to find her birth family. That said, she could be looking too, but is also being stymied by lack of records.

I was going to suggest leaving a letter for her on her adoption file in case she does decide to come looking one day, but I see the authorities claim to have no record. That seems very strange. Are there other authorities that might have records? Was your mum Jewish too? If so, were/are adoptions handled differently in that community, hence the lack of records?

What does your mum think about you wanting to look?

KarateKitten · 08/09/2017 10:18

I'm a little confused here. If I was adopted (I'm not so am probably lacking insight) I'd want my birth family, brothers and sisters included, to move heaven and earth to find me. I think it would mean something to me.

I also think the OP has lost something here having had her sister taken from her. I think she has every bit as much right to want to reconnect. If we were talking about someone who was still a child there would need to be some gatekeepers on the other side to manage appropriately and reconnection but if it's an adult, then I think they can both make their own choices about whether to meet or not if the OP finds her.

I'm really confused why everyone is downplaying the importance of this sister to the OP. And her right to try and find her family member.

VimFuego101 · 08/09/2017 10:19

Assuming your mum is still alive, I think you should consider her feelings. It must be very hard for her.

PollyFlint · 08/09/2017 10:31

It's understandable that you want to find her. However, she may not want to be found and I think you need to respect that. If she wants to find her birth family I'm sure she'll take steps to do so and maybe one day you will meet her, but the ball needs to be in her court.

FruBayerischOla · 08/09/2017 10:40

Do you know any details about your sister - name at birth, date of birth, place of birth?

Is/was your mother Jewish? If you Google Jewish adoptions uk there appear to be a couple of organisations that are specifically involved in adoptions within the Jewish community - and one that is involved in adopting a non-Jewish child into a Jewish family. www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en-GB&source=hp&biw=&bih=&q=jewish+adoption+uk&gbv=2&oq=jewish+adoptipn&gs_l=heirloom-hp.1.0.0i13l10.1281.5387.0.8490.15.14.0.0.0.0.282.979.7j4j1.12.0....0...1.1.34.heirloom-hp..3.12.979.vSzGVgXgCWI

Or you could contact a synagogue either in Manchester, or wherever you live, to ask if they could point you in the right direction of where records might be held.

If you know your sister's birth details, you could add yourself to the national adoption contact register as a birth relative www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register

I agree that if your mum is still alive you should talk to her about it.

I am adopted and I believe I have some older half-siblings on my birth father's side - and, who knows, maybe some younger ones on my birth mother's side. I would be delighted if one of them contacted me - as I haven't found either of my birth parents.

Aridane · 08/09/2017 10:42

YANBU

WhooooAmI24601 · 08/09/2017 10:45

Nope, I don't think you should search for her. I'm adopted and the very few members of my birth family I have contact with were all instigated by me. I run a mile even now from anyone who has "happy ever after" ideas. There has been contact from members of my birth family via social media. I've avoided them all.

I think it's normal to feel like you've lost something and to even grieve for it. But to deliberately search for someone who may not want to be found, for whatever reason, means you're putting your own needs over theirs. Growing up as an adopted person can be tough. Even tougher when you have things like this.

junglebookisthebest · 08/09/2017 11:15

Op - I know this isn't exactly your situation but this is a thought provokig article. It may suit you to make contact - but does it suit your sister (and her family) for you to make contact. Very tricky... x
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/23/how-social-networking-sites-threaten-the-security-of-adopted-children

gabsdot · 08/09/2017 11:19

If you want to find her you should try to. But be prepared for the outcome. It may not be a s wonderful as you hope.

My dad had 3 brothers who were taken from his family, They were younger than him and he remembers them as babies. he searched for them and found them all. It was very healing for him. Now we keep in touch with one of his brothers but the others chose to distance themselves and we respect that.

Original poster

Itching · 08/09/2017 13:20

Thanks for all your replies guys, I see this is a very divisive issue. I went back to read through the emails between myself and the local authorities and actually it wasn't that they dont have records, it's that they cannot release that information. As others have said, its up to her to come looking for us.

My mum isnt Jewish, its just my half sisters adoptive parents were. I do know the name my mother gave her, I dont know whether they would have changed it.

I may try contacting the synagogues in Manchester for their advice. I dont want to disrupt her life, but I'm curious, and I have my mothers blessing. Also, if she was adopted, it may be that she has no other siblings. She might like to end up with three!

Its tricky though, I'll need to reflect more on it.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 08/09/2017 13:25

This is my personal experience so I'm not saying it's how she would feel but I thought I'd put it out there. My brother and I are both adopted, I was given up by a young mum who had no support, my brother was removed because his mum was abusing him. His dad was too busy partying to care.
A week before our mum came home to die a mediator contacted my brother to say his bio dad wanted to get in touch and it blew our world apart. Our parents have never treated us differently because of biology, they're not our adoptive parents, they're our mum and dad in every way.
He asked me to act as his spokesperson to the mediator and I told her quite clearly that he wasn't interested, that it was extremely intrusive and frankly the timing couldn't have been much worse. I also told her that if my name comes across her desk I'm not interested. She wouldn't listen and has continued to badger my brother, and also said she would contact me if anyone tried to find me.
I can't tell you how upsetting I find this, that someone could potentially just decide to turn my life upside down because they want to know me. It's a horrible feeling. And they don't even know if we knew we were adopted (we've always known, but they don't know that!).
So my personal opinion based on my own circumstances is no, it's not fair to trace an adoptee, because you don't know if they know, you don't know what's going on in their life, you don't know what impact it could have.

proplapsingallover · 08/09/2017 14:10

The Jewish community in Manchester is reasonably small. There has been some links/migration with the Leeds Jewish community over time (access to schooling and family moves-Leeds Jewish community has reduced). If you have no success in Manchester maybe try Leeds as well.

How long ago was it?

lifesaverormassmurderer · 08/09/2017 14:18

The 'real' family of a sibling of mine came looking for her via social media. She had no idea she wasn't my DF's biological child - but they made contact with my DM so my DP had to sit her down and break the news to her before she found out from a complete stranger.

My sibling had no desire to meet the 'blood' relatives, so the upset caused within our family was for nothing.
Unfortunately, you really do have to let her come up to you (or not!)

WhooooAmI24601 · 08/09/2017 14:23

I have my mothers blessing.

As brutal as this may seem, your Mother isn't the one whose blessing counts. She relinquished her right to give her blessing when she gave up her child. It's no more her business than it is mine.

Mulberry72 · 08/09/2017 14:40

I was adopted as a very young baby, and I would not want to be "found" by any member of my biological "family".

To me, the woman that gave birth to me is nothing more than a surrogate and her partner a sperm donor, and any other children they may have had are nothing to do with me.

Your "sister" has to be the one to decide what happens not you.

Spanglemum · 08/09/2017 15:08

Is the Adoption Contact Register still going? Birth family can register and if the adopted person also registers, details will be given to the adopted person. She is also entitled by law, at 18, to get her original birth certificate and begin her search. Norcap are a good charity on this issue.

pilates · 08/09/2017 15:23

YANBU Isn't there a special intermediary service you could contact? That's what they do on long lost family. How old would she be now? If she is found but doesn't want to have anything to do with you that is fair enough, at least you will know and can respect her wishes.

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