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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me figure this guy out

29 replies

Confused009 · 07/09/2017 06:04

I know I'll be flamed but posting here for more traffic...

So I this guy messaged me on POF we met up soon after and have been on 8 dates so far. I just get the wrong vibes and my gut feeling is that he is multi-dating getting other offers sporadically. I just need help to understand if I should just move on.

First two dates were fine but third date we went on a movie date and he seemed distant and cold. Fourth date we went cocktail drinking and we kissed but no sex. Fifth date I visited his house and we ended up fooling around but no sex. Sixth date I cooked him dinner, we had sex but he refused to stay over. It was a Friday night and he pretty much ignored me all weekend which was the lovely bank holiday weekend with great weather and I just felt like we could have spent time together. In fact since we've had sex I've felt things have been different he used to text me everyday a friendly message but that's no longer happening. Then he promised to take me out on a park date but cancelled on me that same day! He claimed he'd had diarrhoea! He then took me to the cinema but the date ended abruptly and felt awkward.

Basically on paper he is great but there has been certain things he has said like eluding to the fact that he is multiple dating but claiming he felt we are exclusive. When out at the cinema he told me he was invited to a work party and mentioned possibility of a plus one. I've just texted him to see what he is up to for the weekend and he reminded me about the party but didn't invite me then he said he has to go home to visit his sick uncle. I basically said I really hope everything works out for him and left it at that.

I feel he is multidating and that's why he never seems to be fully available at the weekend. He promises things but doesn't deliver for instance he claimed he was going to book a spa weekend for us but that has not materialised. He also seems to be a little tight about money too.

OP posts:
newdaylight · 07/09/2017 06:08

Not worth figuring out?
Either dating others but trying to keep it from you in which case avoid.
Out plain weird, in such case avoid.

ChasedByBees · 07/09/2017 06:11

You could have a talk with him about why he's like this, but honestly? He blows hot and cold and you don't know where you stand with him, he doesn't show you much warmth, he mentions things but doesn't follow through and he's tight. I would just call it a day and not bother trying to figure him out.

ImogenTubbs · 07/09/2017 06:15

Doesn't sound like this one's a goer OP, sorry. He doesn't sound as if he's crazy about you, but possibly just wants to keep you on he back burner for a convenient shag. Sorry to be blunt. Move on and find someone worthy of your time who treats you brilliantly. They are out there!

MarcelineTheVampire · 07/09/2017 06:16

OP he's not worth figuring out, he sounds like a twat.

The advice that I find helpful in these situations is 'he's just not that into you' - it's harsh, but if he was he'd be making the effort and he isn't.

Move on OP - you are worth so much more.

OliviasWhiteHat · 07/09/2017 06:17

Just move on. I've just been through something similar. He's not worth your time x

Ecclesiastes · 07/09/2017 06:18

First two dates were fine but third date we went on a movie date and he seemed distant and cold.

You should have stopped there. That was the test.

MrsOverTheRoad · 07/09/2017 06:24

He's an asshat.

Looking for sex with no strings. Move on.

Gorgosparta · 07/09/2017 06:31

The third date was shit and you continued for 5 dates and had sex with him?

Why do you want to figure him out? He is a dick. He gives you bad vibes. No figuring out needed. Just dont date him anymore.

MaggieSimpson44 · 07/09/2017 06:33

Agree with other posters, just leave it there. He doesn't sound all that nice and he is not a guy that you have clicked with. Cut and run, find somebody who's mad about you.

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 07/09/2017 06:41

Sorry OP - he's not that into you.

We have all been there... and in these situations I always wish I had just walked away more quickly than I did.

DONT make excuses or think that he's lovely and genuine sometimes.

My nan always says Handsome is as Handsome does. His actions are very clear.

Have a good day knowing you got rid of some numpty x

KC225 · 07/09/2017 06:44

OP, I agree.with the others cut and rum now. He is keeping you on the back burner. The more you keep seeing him and keeping having sex with him after he is cold and uncommunicative the worse you will feel about yourself. You know this is not how it is supposed to be in the beginning.

Welshmaenad · 07/09/2017 06:44

It sounds awful and stressful. Why are you still doing it?

Stop it.

Find someone nice instead.

wait4thesale · 07/09/2017 06:47

In all honesty, just leave it. He's a game player and in my experience a total waste of time. Without hurting your feelings, I guess he is probably not even single and has a girlfriend elsewhere, hence the not staying over and the awol during bank hols. Cut him out. Delete number and move on. This will come to nothing and whilst your wasting thoughts on him, you're not moving on. You're worth more than that and as long as you keep in contact this will carry on and on with no happy ending for you. Sorry.

Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 07:04

By the sound of things - he just isn't that into you! - or, he's a serial dating?

It looks like he's going through the motions. Maybe for him it's more about the thrill of the chase? So, once he has bedded you. He simply phases you out...

His words might well have implied one thing, his actions have most definitely implied another.

fucksakefay · 07/09/2017 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joey7t8 · 07/09/2017 07:25

The man probably isn't a twat; he's just not very good at telling you that he just doesn't fancy you. Move on.

dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2017 08:13

It doesn't sound great, does it? There isn't much to figure out - he doesn't want a relationship with you and he isn't very nice. Dump him and move on with dignity.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/09/2017 08:30

Sorry, but why do you want to figure him out? It doesn't sound like you've got any hope of a good relationship with this man so cut your losses and move on.

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 08:33

Take a step back OP, if he is interested then he'll come running.

Nikephorus · 07/09/2017 08:41

Relationships are supposed (so I've heard!) to be great at first. If it's this bad now why continue?

Original poster
Confused009 · 07/09/2017 08:44

Thanks for the replies no joey I think he is a twat! He is 38 and still dating to be honest I think he may have a girlfriend else where but I don't understand him introducing me to his flat mate and good friend.
He also would do things like saying he keeps telling his mum and friends about me. He is not a young twenty something and capable to say we are not hitting it off
I guess I kept it going as I am a doctor and I find it difficult to meet people due to work, I'm getting on a bit (33!) and perhaps he just thought I was desperate! He is a doctor himself (consultant) so I thought I'd keep it going thinking it would work out but honestly he is not worth it and I'm starting to see nasty things he does like being tight, telling me he made some work colleagues cry and generally being quite judgemental

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused009 · 07/09/2017 08:45

Just one more thing do you think my last message was final enough... basically told him I hope things work out for him...

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 07/09/2017 08:59

He'll probably see it as a challenge or twist it around to make you look uncaring given that his uncle is sick and all...

Personally - I'd block his number draw a line through him

By the sound of things he gets a kick out of upsetting folk!

Plenty more fish in the sea...

formerbabe · 07/09/2017 09:02

He doesn't sound like he's bothered to be honest. Move on..

Botanicbaby · 07/09/2017 09:11

If you have to ask on AIBU for help to 'figure him out' then you just know he's not right for you.

Whether he's 20, 30 or 40 he should be able to be honest with you. 33 is not old OP. People date at any age.

Please don't spend any more time analysing whether your last message to him got your point across to him. Just move onwards & upwards!

Visiting a sick uncle indeed?! Yeah right.

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