Will try not to let this become an essay...
Met my DS's biological father whilst studying abroad. Became pregnant by accident and decided that I wanted to carry on with the pregnancy even though he wasn't entirely certain. Due to hyperemesis, I decided to return home early to move back in with my parents and he stayed abroad. There was discussion of us meeting up when he came home as well as meeting one another's families, but when he returned and I heard nothing from him I decided to contact his mum to tell her of the situation. Basically, I didn't want her to have a grandchild she didn't know about. His family were upbeat and positive about the situation, saying they wanted to be involved with DS even if his father didn't.
Since then I've only seen his parents twice with DS and it's been over two years since the last meet-up. I got a message from the half-sister a couple of months back saying that her step-Dad (DS's grandad) has been really upset wanting to come and see him but didn't feel able to come on his own without his ex, DS's grandma (we live 3.5 hours away and obviously haven't had much to do with them). So, my mum and I have decided to take DS to see his grandad, step-Auntie and cousins this weekend, as I feel that keeping contact with his biological family is important, in case he wants to have a relationship with them in the future.
Now for the contentious bit. I met my current boyfriend just before DS turned 1. Its been a rocky relationship, as he's even younger than me, and hasn't been sure if he's ready to be a dad. However, he's always had a big issue with DS's biological father, despite the fact that he still lives abroad and has never met him. Boyfriend basically feels threatened that he might turn up one day and replace him, especially as DS still doesn't think of my boyfriend as a dad, due to the fact that he's been in and out of the picture, although things have been great recently and they've become really close.
So we've had a huge argument today because I felt it necessary to explain to my DS who we were going to see this weekend, which required telling him (very briefly) about who his biological father is. He is now 3 and aware enough of family set-ups to have started asking questions at nursery about daddies, as well as often being confused about who his dad is (often thinking my dad is his dad AND grandad). I have never wanted to lie to him but have also never felt I needed to broach the subject before, so now I have, I wanted to be completely honest. Boyfriend seems to think I should have told him that HE was the biological father and then we could have told him the truth once he was older and better able to understand. He also accused me of telling half-truths because I gave a brief description of the story and said he had to stay abroad for work, not because he didn't want to be a dad. I told him that because everything that I've read about telling your children about absent parents explicitly says DO NOT be negative about that parent as the child may take it as a personal criticism because they are 50% theirs or they may blame themselves for that parent not being around. Also to just be as honest and open as possible, not lie about who his dad is.
Basically, I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if I should have just made some other story up about who the people we're seeing are. My boyfriend's so angry and is thinking about ending the relationship because he can't deal with another father figure in the picture. I'm so emotionally exhausted by the whole thing and am just petrified of not doing the right thing for DS.