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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my child isn't a bully

27 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 18:39

Right so I received a message from another mother saying that my son had hurt her son quite aggressively and swore at him that day, it sounded out of character for my son, but I didn't dismiss it and phoned the school to ask what was going On and why hadn't they told me of the incident, the said that it was actually more her son being aggressive and that all my son had done was pushed him off of him, and that they agreed they should have told me. I messaged the mum back saying she should have spoken to the school about it before contacting me, she replied saying she did and they refuse to do anything about it, so I replied saying basically it sounded like she had the wrong end of the stick, I swear I stayed polite, nothing aggressive. She then replies telling me my son is a horrible bully it's been going on for ages the school won't do anything etc etc, long rant basically. I went into the school the next day and asked if they were sure nothing was going On, saying id like to know if there was, not just because I won't tolerate my child being a bully but also because I believe a child that is a bully Is not ok in themselves, they said my son honestly isn't being a bully, he's fine, they would definitely tell me etc. I now get evils often from her and her friends, she will say to her son if mine goes near him to stay away/don't let him hurt you etc. And even had my younger son say that her son said to him your mum doesn't like my mum.....

So after all that aibu to think that the school wouldn't lie to me to avoid admitting to the bullying? I hear people say the school won't do anything all the time, but do they flat out lie about it happening at all? Even to a parent that insists they would want to know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 18:40

Sorry that was so long Blush

OP posts:
DressedCrab · 06/09/2017 18:42

She's potty. Ignore.

Boatmistress17 · 06/09/2017 18:42

She just won't face the music that her pfb is a little shit. .
Ignore.
I bet all her playground dm friends know exactly what he is really like.
Any more trouble then ask the school for a joint meeting.

Liadain · 06/09/2017 18:44

There's no value for the school in hiding any bullying done by your son, if you're eager to know about it.

Sounds more like the other woman can't accept that her son was in the wrong too and is accusing your boy of anything and everything she can think of. People get weird like that about their kids.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 19:02

Thanks, rationally I feel like why would the teachers lie to me about my child behaviour when I made it clear I'd be very co-operative in correcting it, but I just keep hearing stories of children being bullied and schools doing nothing and the idea that my son's could be doing this is worrying me. I also don't like bad feeling and I have 2 more kids in the same years as hers so I'm going to see a lot of her......

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 06/09/2017 19:06

People have had times where schools have ignored bullying. I don't doubt it

Equally, I've dealt with people who repeatedly report bullying and yet when we look at CCTV/Print outs of social media etc their child was the instigator. Other kids left it and then when they eventually retailiated the original child reports them for bullying (and gets home in for good measure because 'nobody ever does anything').

Sounds to me like the mother in your situation is the 2nd type who has a child who dishes it out, provokes and winds others up but thej goes crying to mum when othet kids won't put up with it.

The teacher wouldn't lie to you when you've asked. We want bullying resolved. Why would be deliberately mislead a cooperative and supportive parent?

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 19:06

I couldn't be arsed with this I would ask the school to set up a meeting for you and her with the teacher to examine the true circumstances of the situation.

She's bullying you because you are letting her and it's a bad example for all the kids here including yours.

Get a meeting and get it sorted and get back in her box

GwenStaceyRocks · 06/09/2017 19:08

Honestly? People's definition of bullying differs and some schools placate parents. If you both have spoken to the school and still have a different idea of what is going on, I would go back to the school. Ask them to arrange a joint meeting with the other parent or to suggest strategies to manage the ongoing animosity. Otherwise this could create problems for your DC. Flowers

GreenTulips · 06/09/2017 19:15

Well I would see what happens now

Start a log of anything your child says etc

Speak to the teacher and ask that you are informed of any incidents your DS may be involved in

At this age some kids are more articulate than others - ask your child to time line as much as possible - what happened before that?

ClemDanfango · 06/09/2017 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 06/09/2017 19:28

DO NOT ask for a joint meeting! I'd be very suprised if school agree to do this!!

They can not give you information about another child's actions and this would be a very bad idea

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 19:34

gwen definitely think schools placate parents, but don't think telling parents that the other child hurt their child would placate them really. Would be a bit more like adding fuel to the fire wouldn't it?

Meeting definitely sounds like a good idea. Think that is the next step. I've never had a problem with any other parent in the 8 years I've been doing school runs!! Can't go on getting panicky as a reach the school gates though.

Thanks for all the advice and reassurance xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 19:38

greentulips oh ok, should I just leave it and hope it goes away then? Tbh the boys are friends again now, so my son is fine.

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 06/09/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSthe3rd · 06/09/2017 19:56

Yes, schools do absolutely lie. It happened to one of my DC who was being bullied.

Although, to be fair, it sounds like the school have had opportunities to tell you the truth and if your son was actually bullying others, then you would probably know by now.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 20:16

I do know the school isn't good with communication. They often sweep things under the carpet and don't tell the parents. Actually lying to a parents face is a different matter though.....

I'm sorry your DC got bullied mrsS I hope they are ok now Flowers

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/09/2017 20:32

FWIW - I complained but out a child via email as he was kicking punching shouting abuse at my DD

He continue in high school and I text his mum along the lines of 'I had enough in juniors qndbunless it stops I will take it much further'

She had no idea it was going on in juniors - but tobher credit she put a top to it straight away - no issues since - she was horrified she hadn't been notified

It does happen

Cleanermaidcook · 06/09/2017 20:39

If you are worried the school may be trying to brush it under the carpet could you approach any other parents with children in your child's class who could tell you if they know whats happened or if your child is known to be a bully? It might put your mind at rest?

maras2 · 06/09/2017 20:41

Sorry to sound a bit dim but where did she get your phone number from?
And no, YANBU.
She's bonkers.

MycatsaPirate · 06/09/2017 20:46

I was confronted in the playground one day by a mother who accused my DD of bullying her DD. I was a bit flummoxed as DD had only been at the school a very short time (we had recently moved 500 miles) and she was really nervous and anxious. But apparently my DD was name calling, pushing her about and generally 'picking on her constantly'

I spoke to the school who assured me that there was no issue with my DD's behaviour and that if anything the bullying was being done by the other child to my DD. They were keeping an eye on things and stepping in if needed.

I think that these kids who bully like to deflect by telling their parents that it's them being picked on.

Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 20:46

greentulips this is my worry, he says he isn't bullying, the school says he isn't bullying, just this mum. Do I punish him on her word? I would be down on him like a ton of bricks if I did find he was bullying. And I have reminded him often (although I did before) about being kind etc. I was actually bullied at school so I really would not tolerate my child bullying another. How did this parent come to the conclusion you were telling the truth, did her son admit it? Or did she just go on your word?

cleaner I have spoken to a few parents and they all say they have no problems with my son and their children have never said anything about him being mean. His report also said how he was considerate of other people's feelings and things like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 06/09/2017 20:52

maras good old fb lol!

mycatsapirate have you had any problems since? Hope your daughter has settled in nicely now xxx

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/09/2017 21:01

Her son admitted it! So no issues there.

My son was also accused of bullying by a parent and when asked turns out all my son did was call his name to join them to play and this boy told the others to attack him! I messaged her back with this info and her son admitted he made it up and she's apologized, he wasn't that sorry as he did it again the following week.

So yes bullies tell lies but they are cowards

FeeLock28 · 06/09/2017 21:09

OP, suggest you file this under 'resolved', and then block her. The school has confirmed the incident as being dealt with. It sounds as though your son responded appropriately to moderately-average playground fare. I definitely don't think you should punish him on unsubstantiated, unwitnessed hearsay.

Also suggest you find other parents to spend your waiting time with. This woman & friends may try to spread unpleasantness, but the vast majority of people will view this as 'one of those things'. Providing your son isn't actually being aggressive, it'll probably die down.

I had this a million times a week as a school governor (okay, I exaggerate: it was a million times a month). Each incident was investigated, and if I had a pound for every time that the victim was in fact the instigator, I'd have a lot of pounds.

If you do feel the need to do something constructive at home, suggest you briefly and lightly reinforce the difference between standing up for himself & uncontrolled violence.

HRHPrincessMegan · 06/09/2017 21:19

When did this all happen? Hasn't term just started?

In my experience schools do lie about bullying all the time.