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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family matters right

9 replies

Ym89 · 06/09/2017 16:01

Every since I was little my mum was never really there. I brought my big brother up and missed out on so much. I don't know how to socialise u could say I'm extremely awkward around people. I also worry that not having a mum isn't doing me any good where my parenting is concerned as I don't know if I'm getting it right or not. My life growing up has had a lot of implications on the way my life is today. I have seizures due to trauma. My dd has ADHD and I feel I have know where to turn. Me and my brother and mum all came to blows as they treat me and my children poorly, never there when needed and drops us as and when they see fit. I've always been there for him through everything. This year has been my toughest yet and neither of them are worried about what I have going on. So aibu cutting them out and making a fresh start for myself and dc with people that matter and care for us these people are more like family to me and that's what matters right? Sorry for waffling on. Advice would be lovely. tia

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 06/09/2017 16:07

Families should be there to support you. You offer your support but are not getting anything in return. It sounds like they are actually damaging you. I would cut them out if I were you.

My dad was emotionally draining. I look at the situation and it's very sad that I don't have him in my life when I see how other dads are with their kids (and DP with our DD) but honestly it was the best decision I have ever made

Ym89 · 06/09/2017 20:40

I totally agree it's sad seeing other have that bond! I feel I've got to the point where I have no effort left for that part in my life now and making a clean break would benefit myself and dc. I'm sorry to hear you've not had that good relationship either. I find it even harder to understand now I have my dc as I'd never want them to feel this way about me. Just at a totally loss with mum and brother I think.

OP posts:
littlebird7 · 06/09/2017 20:49

I am sorry your childhood was cut short like this, but rather than damaging your parenting ability I am willing to bet you are an amazing parent! So start by being kind to yourself, you did well to get through it.
Your mother always let you down she is not likely to change now. Your brother is disappointing, but accept it for what it is and pump your love and enery into your dc and those around you that are there for you and that are genuine.
Things will get much easier as your children grow up and you will feel far more independent and relaxed. Speak to your gp about counselling too, this will support you further.
The cycle of dysfunction needs to be broken, it doesn't sound like your db is ready to do that now but you are. You will be fine honestly. You are strong and have got through much harder times. You can still stay loosely in touch (so know bad feeling which might feel too much) but at arms length. I am thinking odd text, meet up once a year possibly. Or nothing if you want to. Enjoy your life

Allthewaves · 06/09/2017 21:04

Think of it this way - u have great example of what not to do. Don't give anyone head space that's draining and making your life harder. Having a kid with adhd is hard and lonely and can make u feel completely lost no matter what your uprbringing

Ym89 · 07/09/2017 06:57

Some good advice to take on so thank you. I've been made to feel the bad person for this choice they think I should just be the bigger person and just let it keep happening because we are "family" I don't understand why that matters. If they can treat us so poorly then they are already going against what family means right? I'm in the middle of finding a new councillor as been going on and off for the last 20 years I've seen all sorts of professionals but it hasn't really helped and I think it's due to the fact they have still been in my life hurting me. So fresh break and fresh councillor, with my fingers crossed I'm hoping all will work out right this time. Also thinking family councilling does anyone have any experience with this and does it help? Tia

OP posts:
ScruffbagsRUs · 07/09/2017 08:30

A parent may have helped create you, but they have absolutely no right to be emotionally and mentally absent with you, THEN demand that YOU teat them better than they've treated you!!!

You are no doubt hurting from the emotional abandonment by your mum and DB, but that doesn't mean you should run away from the pain of facing up to this. It will be hard, but it will most likely allow you to move on quicker than you would if you kept running away from it all.

Think of it logically and objectively. You have a number of anxiety/emotional/mental problems that need unpicking/untangling and sorting, bit by bit. They will always be with you until you make the emotional and mental effort to solve them, as much as you can. The worst thing you can do is to NOT face these problems head on. You'll probably feel a whole range of emotions, from sadness, to anger, but these are absolutely normal, considering your circumstances.

YOU, have every right to be treated with respect, and if your mum/DB are not doing that, then call them up on their behaviour toward you. Should they become angry that you dared expose their behaviour, you can simply tell them that "If you hadn't acted like that in the first place, there'd be no behaviour to call you out on". This simply reiterates that it is THEIR BEHAVIOUR that is the problem, and that you are simply reacting to their actions toward you.

Last but not least, please do not be afraid of conflict with them. Refusing to call them out is allowing their actions toward you to continue. If they get angry/annoyed about you doing that, then they're just angry that their horrid behaviour is being exposed, and that will not make them look good.

You didn't make your mum or brother do those things. Their actions are their choice. You didn't ask to be verbally/physically/mentally/emotionally abused. They CHOSE to engage in those actions themselves. You don't have to put up with it any more, and if that means you go LC/NC, then you should do that to protect yourself and your DC.

BTW, the only regret you should really have about this situation is not doing what is best to protect your DC from this. These people are toxic, and you'd be best keeping them safe from this kind of behaviour, as much as you can.

If you mum/DB decide to come over to see you can say "Sorry mum/DB, I'm on my way out now", if they show up unannounced, or another phrase that is repeatable ad nauseum is "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me". The last comment is something that is a non-committal response to a person you don't want too much contact with.

Ym89 · 07/09/2017 08:57

we have fallen out so they won't be coming round as I've stood my ground and told them I'm done with their behaviour! They just try an excuse it and expect me to except it! I'm not running from it just tired of putting them first only to hurt myself and dc. This is me trying to do the right thing trying to move forward and leave the past and the bad behind me. I just needed advice on wether cutting them out was a bad choice. I think it's right for us though as it's been 30 years of circles nearly and it's draining. It's such a sad situation. To see the support my mum gets of my nan and to know how much I would do for my dc just makes the whole thing harder she has no excuse for what she's done and no empathy either.

OP posts:
ScruffbagsRUs · 07/09/2017 20:44

Would like to say Good on you for standing up to them. Ask yourself this: "What do they bring to my life, and that of my DC?", and if the answer s little or nothing really, then go NC with them.

When we have our own DC, they become our immediate family and any others, such as parents and siblings, become extended family. That's just the idea I hold based on the difference between being single with no DC, and being a parent. As a parent, my priority will be to protect my DC from such toxic behaviour. If that means going NC (and I have done after 35yrs of being emotionally abused by my mum and younger brother, so I completely get where you're coming from), then that's what I will do.

I don't tend to be overly emotional about the NC bit because I reason it with the fact that I wouldn't let a friend treat me like my mum did, so why should my mum, and brother, be different?

justilou · 08/09/2017 02:37

I have used my mother as a "How NOT to parent" guide book, too. I have three kids, who are all lovely, confident and intelligent in their own way. You don't have to repeat the mistakes of the past, but you do have to be very conscious about your own behaviour and take responsibility for it. If that's not your thing, (I learned how with a LOT of counselling when I was young...) then maybe you can get some help systems in place. If your DD has ADHD, she will be hypersensitive to the emotional environment she's living in, and once you're no longer strung up by your mother's behaviour, things might get a bit easier for your DD as well.

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