To disown my two brothers

[maggieryan]

I have two brothers. Both are in their late ,40s and 50s. They are single, don't work and one takes drugs, the other has mental health problems. If you met them somewhere youd think they were the nicest mannerly people ever. Behind the scenes they bully ny dad, ring me at all hours of the morning and text me with long ranting messages. I spend half my time worrying about them. My husband is sick of them st this stage, they never ring unless its for something or to abuse me. Im worn out. I often heard of familes that dont talk to their siblings and often wondered how it got to that stage but now I know. I want them out of my life but dont know how to go about it.im heartbroken but can't go on. One brother rang at half three last night, woke the kids and my husband. He was drunk and rambling. Do any of you ever cut your family out of your life completly and how do you feel. Any help appreciated. Ive done everythung else and nothing has worked. I blocked one brother on my phonr but I can see hes rang me about eight times in the last day and has sent about ten abusve messages. Im just.so tired and worn out st this stage. Thanks

I have done it for less than this. How it feels? Sad but relived.

Cut then both out. You need a more peaceful life than this

Yep not spoken to my sister or dad for ten years; before without them than with but sad for the family me and my dd could have had, as it means I also don't have an extended family.

YANBU. I'm so sorry to hear about this. But a phone call is a phone call, not a summons. Certainly feel free to silence/unplug your phones especially at night or just turn the ringer down. You don't have to answer to anyone (especially at that hour), and if there was a real emergency surely someone would show up at your door.

If for some reason you do feel you need to answer, tell them not to ring so late/only to ask you for things/to abuse you, and if they do it again you'll block them. Then put the phone down calmly but firmly and do it.

My dad is in his mid fifties and has just cut all but one of his siblings out of his life. I have just decided to do the same after years of trying to build bridges between my uncle and his 4 siblings. Their fight is over money and whether 'past vs present' affects inheritance when there is no will.

I say, cut out negativity! As awifey says, you don't have to answer to anyone. I extend that to life, don't feel you need to justify yourself to anyone, least not people who demand so much yet offer very little.

(I'm on my dads side now, sorry if that wasn't apparent)

Just because they are your brothers you don't need this shit from them. You wouldn't take this from a friend so why would you take it from them?? You are not obligated to them in any way. Just block and ignore. Honestly, the drama that family can create and get away with just because they are 'family' never fails to astound me!

How does them being single come into it? You specify this ahead of drug-taking, bullying your dad and making abusive calls at all hours!

OP stating that they're single is relevant. Considering how much contact my dad has had with his brothers' wives, they are another person to consider and reach out to when at odds with a sibling. They could also be fueling the situation. The one giving us the most trouble is the single one TBH

Yeah I did this with my brother. He is toxic. Violent and aggressive, sociopathic. Blows hot and cold. Finally it came out he was abusing his wife in front of their kids and she told me about it. She went off the radar after promising to get in touch and I was so worried he'd killed her (he's been in prison for violence) and so I rang social services (he was abusing the kids by abusing her with them in the room/in her arms). She came back, flipped out at me, all the abuse got directed at me from them both and I had to cut them out for good.

That was two years ago. I miss him and my nephews daily and have nightmares most weeks about him. I love him and always will but I can't have him in my life. It just causes me too much pain and with his wife finally turning on me too there was no opportunity to see the kids or keep a relationship with them like I'd have given anything to be able to do. But it was the right choice.

We've been estranged for two years and it's been incredibly hard. It's like grieving someone who's still alive. It's agony. I ended up developing serious depression and self harming for the first time in a decade. It threw my emotional health into disarray. Our mum died and it hurts that I can never remember her with him. It's much harder than grieving my mum who's dead. Cos I know the temptation is always there to get back in touch and open the wounds again.

I got some support from an amazing charity called stand alone who support adults dealing with family estrangement. Two and a half years on from the last time we spoke, I know it was the right decision to set myself free from him being in my life. It's been hard as I miss having a sibling so much but he was never gonna be the brother I so desperately wanted.

The whole thing was a shit show. My nephews were the most important people in my life and I miss them nonstop. I know I had no other option but to do what I did for their sake once she told me how bad it was what he was doing to her.

If you wouldn't take treatment like this from a friend or stranger you sure as hell don't have to take it from a relative just because you're related. I have much closer and stronger relationships with friends than family. Just go into it eyes wide open prepared for the pain you'll go through even if you know it's the right thing to do. It takes an enormous amount of strength and not many people have the ability to cut family off and deal with the pain. So they get stuck being abused or taken as a mug for years on end.

But surely it is incidental to a drug habit?!

I mentioned single because I feel maybe if they had wives or kids to occupy them they wouldn't have so much time on.their hands to ring me.constantly about trivial matters at all hours of the day and night.. No other sinister reason. Thanks for all the advice. Tough decision has to be made because I can't go on like this.

I've cut my brother out, although horrible to get to this stage it's a relief to me. My mum feels like she is stuck between the two of us but i've said aren't we both happier now and she agrees.

A mixture of things got us to this point and my brother and i had always been very close depiste a 7 year age gap until he met his fiance... I felt very much pushed out of the family and was expected to drive them from London where we lived to up north to visit family as i had a car (inlcuding picking them up from the other side in london) with no offer of cash, anything i said to the finance was deemed mean, rude, etc even just asking how she was, so in the end i gave up - again that was seen as bullying her. She could do no wrong and at one point i had a very good but hard job, she had lost 3 jobs and living (sponging) off my brother and had the gall to say i should get a better job... These all sound petty, but this was only the beginning. And i stress things got a lot worse before i decided enough was enough.

I decided 3 weeks ago that enough was enough after 8 years and i was not worth salvaging this relationship as it was only making me unhappy. Its tough but i feel much lighter. He has tried to make contact since to meet up for dinner but i'm not interested in being the one in the wrong anymore. I refuse to guilt tripped into thinking or doing anything i don't feel comfortable with.

Yanbu. I cut off my biological father for less, he was an alcoholic, never violent to me although I witnessed him be to my mum and sister however he was incredibly flaky and thought nothing of letting us down regards contact for months at a time when we was growing up. I saw him sporadically through my teen years but then didn't see him for years-sometimes bumped into him in pubs where we did pleasantries. Later I had my eldest child and felt obliged to let him know, within 4 weeks he started being flaky re visits to us, trying to rearrange visits to be in the pub and was letting us down last minute. I cut him off because that wasn't the role model I wanted for my children. At the time I felt pangs of sadness, mainly missing the dad I was supposed to have not him as such. He died earlier this year and I have to say as callous as I sound I still don't regret it. I did what I had to do to protect me and my family.
Being family doesn't make toxic people less toxic, nor does it mean we have to accept crap from them in the name of 'being family'.