To not want to tell the whole world when I'm in labour...

[BearAtHome]

Both sets of grandparents have mentioned they want to be informed when I go into labour (currently 39 weeks pregnant) and MIL mentioned a time when OH cousin went into labour and didn't tell anyone until baby was here and how "grossly unfair" it was. Little does she know this is actually what I plan to do also but feel like it's going to kick up a huge fuss but it's just what I want. I also have a MIL who wants hourly updates about my pregnancy which is not what I want when I'm pushing a baby out. If it goes on over a few days also I think the constant need for updates will push me over the edge. I want phones off and it to just be me and OH and to not constantly update via WhatsApp.
AIBU to not want anyone apart from OH to know when we are in hospital about to have baby? And do I tell both sets of GP's before hand this is our plan or just do it?

Smile and nod, and do what you like. Fair doesn't come into it. You're not picking up a parcel from the Post Office.

Congratulations OP. And no, of course not, just don't tell anyone and afterwards tell them everything escalated quickly. Not really sure why anyone would feel obliged to tell anyone else they're in labour.

YANBU OP- I often wonder who these people are that have nothing better to do other than stare at their phone for updates on a grown woman's medical procedure.

It seems much more common on a US board I'm on, except there the MILs are expecting a ringside view of the birth itself.

I think the general advice in this ituation is to say nothing and then when baby arrived just say "Ooooh well everything just happened so quick/ in the middle of the night/ the midwife said it would be a long labour" and sod it.

For our first we told parents that we were having the section that day as I was in labour. My mum put it on FB, we then had complications and we felt we had to announce before we wanted to. We only told local friends who were helping out with childcare for our second, even though I was in early labour for 3 days and waiting in hospital for the C section for 2 of them!!

YANBU at all OP; I feel exactly the same and have made it clear to my MiL and family that I won't be telling anyone (I'm 35.5 weeks). You'll have plenty on your mind in labour and don't need to be distracted by others. 😊

Only let the bare minimum that you are comfortable with know.

First time, I had a long slow labour. I'd had regular contractions for nearly 24 hours and two visits to hospital when we hit the point in the weekend when some family members made routine phonecalls and my background noise was brewing as I was approaching the stage of approaching ready to be admitted. They ended up having a long worried night, then morning with no news as things dragged out. When events did gain momentum, it really wasn't the time for updates, so it was long after lunchtime the next day when we were able to make an announcement.

Second time, only the people looking after DS1 were told on a need to know basis which was easier for all. Everyone else just got disturbed by a text message of good news at silly o'clock in the morning

We didn't tell anyone when I was in labour with DD. We called everyone a few hours after she was born.

With DS, my mum knew as she had to mind DD. Everyone was informed hours later.

First time round I just told my mum, I rang for her advice on whether I was in labour or not. She & my dad then fretted for the next 12 hours.

The next time we only told the friend who was to look after DS & third time round I had a home birth so didn't tell anyone. No social media or mobiles then, so it was easy to keep things quiet.

For those of you who didn't tell, did it have repercussions and we're close family members pissed off or was this overshadowed by the fact there was a brand new lovely baby so no one cared? I'm so worried of hurting people's feelings, especially when it's been mentioned that it's "unfair" apparently

Anyone who tells you it's 'unfair' that you've not told them every detail of what your body is doing can do one. Your body, your's and OH's baby - your choice

It was so much easier pre-mobiles. We told our parents when I was in labour and said that they would be told when the baby was born. It's almost like having a coven of witches around you otherwise!

And my other question - do I tell them I plan to do this or just go for it? My other worry is MIL contacts me at least 3/4 times a day for pregnancy updates so if I go off the radar she will know anyway. I just can't be arsed to keep constantly updating her, it's draining!!

Let them be pissed off, you don't need to be thinking about others while in labour. Most hospital suites won't have mobile signal anyway? Mine didn't I had to go down 3 floors and out the front door to phone my parents and tell them baby had arrived a few hours previously. I'm sure most people would just be delighted you are both safe and well. Parenting rule 101: Learn to nod, smile and do things your way regardless of what others expect...

Bear relax and stop trying to please everyone. The people being unfair are the one guilt tripping you into sharing all the blow by blow details, which are your private business. Is them knowing you are in labour going to help you in any way? No. So just get on with it and tell them when you wish them to know.
All the best with your baby.

That was my plan - then my waters broke at a family dinner!
In fairness, not a single person phoned or text me or DH (and nobody put it on FB!).
Second time around, BIL was cutting our grass, so no hiding it again, plus we had to leave DS with my mum so she had to know too. We did text a couple of updates as it was a long labour and we knew people would be worried (and nosy).

No don't pre warn them, just say you didn't have mobile signal. Everyone is different but I ended up on diamorphine for most of my labour and could barely string a sentence together, let alone start texting people between contractions, it just isn't realistic. Also make sure if MIL lives nearby that your birth plan states only you and DH are permitted in the delivery suite. You don't want her to just turn up at hospital if she hasn't heard from you and waltz in while you are legs akimbo!

Taper off contact over the next week or so, you're tired, you're switching off your phone, you'll be out of signal range, you're sick of updating and want to be left the hell alone - pick one, and gradually get it down to an acceptable amount for you. Then if you're off the radar while in labour (and hell no, don't tell anyone you're in labour if you don't want to) she won't know, and you might just be snoozing or out of signal. You don't have to reply to every text you're sent, and you certainly don't have to reply to someone else's timeframe. Remember that good luck when the time comes, you'll be fine

bear just saw your last post - try replying less often already so that MIL will get used to it

I wouldn't tell them anything - they'll try to talk you out of it. As pps say, smile, nod, then do whatever you please

I didn't tell anyone anything til about 24h after the baby arrived, even though my parents really wanted to be told when I went into hospital. It was fine. The baby was the exciting thing by the time he was there!

YANBU. I didn't tell a soul (apart from OH obviously!). My Mum figured it out because she couldn't get hold of me for a few days (and I think she sneaked round to our house several times during that period and saw the car was gone each time....)

I think ILs also clicked when they hadn't heard from us for a couple of days. I had a day of waters breaking and no contractions followed by a 2 day induction so was quite a while. We rang parents and siblings a few hours after birth.

No one was upset, or at least if they were I didn't know about it. I'd told them beforehand there was no way I would be announcing it, and that they'd know when the birth had happened. I'm a very private person I couldn't bear people messaging for updates!

Next time I'll tell my mum as she'll be looking after baby number 1 but it's a planned CS for me next so I'll know the date in advance. Still won't tell anyone else though.

Do what you want. It's your labour, no one else's. Manage expectations beforehand and if anyone argues with you, tell them that YOU think it's grossly unfair that they want this information when you aren't feeling comfortable in providing it.

Also if she is contacting you 3-4 times a day I think it is only fair that your DH steps in and says she needs to back off a bit. Why not tell her you are trying to get some daytime naps in before baby arrives and so will be leaving your phone on silent. If she wants updates she can call DH. Let him be a cushion between her and you for a bit!

You only need to tell those you WANT to tell!

I stopped answering the phone once I reached 39 weeks with DD because of the constant calls from my dad and DHs step mum. I was a few days overdue when DH answered the phone to my dad saying "has the baby arrived yet?" so he said "oh yes Bugger had the baby a couple of days ago" then as dad started spluttering he said "do you really think we wouldn't tell you? No the baby is not here yet and we will tell you once it IS here and I know that Bugger and baby are both okay".

When DH did call him to say baby was here he said "great but I'm just on my way out for lunch so I'll get all the details another time" and hung up 😂