AIBU expect more?

[Janyliz]

We separated 2 years ago. It was my decision, we were miserable, sniping at each other all the time. We lived in a permanent undercurrent of tension largely through my lack of wish to have sex. I felt we owed it to the children not to think this was a healthy model on which to build their future relationships.

I kept the house and paid him my life savings to buy him out and set up on his own. I didn't want to pursue him for money preferring to maintain a relatively amicable relationship . He agreed to claim child benefit and pay this to me for supporting the kids, £130 per month total.

We have joint access with the kids, alternate weekends and 2 days in the week. I buy all clothes, uniform, shoes haircuts, clubs, holiday childcare, and the lions share of childcare (70/30 split)
He's a brilliant Dad and I don't want to kill our friendly relationship but I'm struggling financially.
He refused to pay any contribution to the uniform bill of £300 saying the usual £130 is sufficient and the fact I earn (slightly) more means I should take it on the chin. The bottom line is he contributes nothing out of his own pocket for the kids and lives mortgage free due to my life savings.

lt feels like I'm being taken advantage of but I don't want to go legal and destroy the whole goodwill we've worked hard to establish.

AIBU to think I'm entitled anything more or am I just bitter because he lives mortgage free and I struggle?

He used YOUR child benefit to use as maintenance? Wtf?!

That is your money to use for the kids! The maintenance is meant to come from him! The RESIDENT parent claims Child Benefit!!!!

Sorry op, are you the resident parent? When you say you have equal access and do every other weekend and 2 days a week does that mean you have them every other weekend then alternate 2 days a week so you essentially have them 50:50? In any case he should be paying for half of the things you've listed, uniforms etc.

Get the Child Benefit paid to you IMMEDIATELY as he has been fraudulently claiming it to 'use' as maintenance.

Use this official CMS calculator to work out the legal maintenance he should be paying you. www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/
Then call Child Maintenance Options to make a claim. Within a month you may have a decent amount of maintenance. For once.

Child Benefit are very quick in changing payments over.

But there is no goodwill because he's treating you like a mug

Wait, so if you were claiming CB directly (which FYI you should be) he'd pay nothing at all?!

What a prince. Get the CB sorted and off to the CMS you go.

Am I reading this right. He claims the child benefit and gives it to you..
So he pays nothing from his own pocket but gives you the child benefit you are entitled to as the resident parent. That is appalling
Yes you are being taken advantage of. Stuff the good will, he needs to start paying his dues.

I assume that the Op earns above the threshold for child benefit but he does not.

We have joint access with the kids, alternate weekends and 2 days in the week

So no maintenance due ? If shared custody.

Whilst you may have wanted to leave him (no words on his thoughts) and thus chose a settlement that benefitted him and lead to a quiet life he is taking the mickey. He should be paying more than he has the kids as much as you so should be expected, at the very least, to pay for the children 50/50 with you.

Does he have them 2 days in the week or do you?
Are you mortgage free?

You're having not destroying the goodwill, he is by being tight fisted over his own DC. At the very least see what the DC are entitled to on the online calculator.

If you have 50/50 access neither of you is entitled maintenance.

we do have 50/50 access so I guess no maintenance as such is due.

I didn't argue the point initially over finances. He was very upset over my wish to end the relationship and suspected another man. There never was another party involved and still isn't which has made his acceptance easier. He agrees it was the right path to take with hindsight.

my income is variable, some years I earn over the threshold for child benefit other years not so it makes sense for him to claim.

I think what I need to do is save every receipt over a given period and propose anything beyond the child benefit contribution we split

If it's a 50/50 residence split he should really be paying for 50% of uniforms, trips, hair cuts, winter coats etc over and above the child benefit amount.

Being in a slightly similar situation I have every sympathy, but no solution. We were both equal earners, but due to poor life choices by Ex I now earn significantly more.
In my case there is no shared care due to safeguarding issues DD is with me all the time. Ex got a lump sum from myself in the divorce to buy him out of house ( he got two other properties too). He currently does not see the need to work or pay maintenance and as he voluntarily left his job less than 12 weeks ago he is in receipt of no benefits.
When I have previously brought up his lack of contribution he has launched a barrage of texts messages/emails at me and whilst the individual content does not appear as harassment it is the sheer volume, however, the police maintain that as we share a child I have to accept some contact.
I am lucky I don't need his money, but find it upsetting that he brags about DD (she is a good actress and often in shows), but makes no contribution in any way to make it all happen.

In my opinion if it is 50/50 care you should each get half of the child benefit and each pay half of the costs.

Does he pay for food toiletries and so on for them when they are with him?

Does he buy them clothes and toys and bedding to have at his house?

Does he do their laundry when they are with him?

I suggest you sit down with him and talk it through, if he wants 50 50 he should be doing some of the work, he could buy the uniforms and clothes, why are you doing it all?

AIBU to think I'm entitled anything more or am I just bitter because he lives mortgage free and I struggle?

He's mortgage free but does he own a home? If not, at least you have one up on him.

I don't think he should be allowed to use the full child benefits to pay you for maintenance. He should give you your half, pay you his half, then and then top up whatever he owes out of his own pocket. And I think things like school uniform, school trips, etc. should be split in half. These are irregular expenditures and should not be taken out of the monthly payments.

I don't think YABU at all.

If cb is £130 which you can't claim but he does and he gives you that, does £260 a month sound about right over a year for clothes, hair cuts, trips etc?

your children are entitled to be kept alive and in clothing by both parents, not just you. He has a human obligation to pay for his children, to the extent that he can afford to do so, and in a fair and equitable proportion to what you pay - it has nothing to do with you or your relationship with him. By letting you confuse the two, and think it is about what you should expect from him, he has bamboozled you and is taking advantage.

calculate what your children need, work out what is a fair proportion for him to pay based on your respective salaries, and invoice him.

If you pretty much have 50:50 custody arrangement then I think it's fair to say to him he should pay childcare/holiday clubs on the days he has the children and he should provide clothes for when they're at his house and yes he should pay half for uniforms as it's not like you're going to refuse for the children to take school uniform to his house.
Normally one parent will have the children slightly more which I'm guessing is you and then you can claim child maintenance from him if he's refusing to provide more amicably. It's not fair that he's not covering his fair share of costs as the child benefit isn't coming from his income.

thanks for your thoughts, it's certainly given me some clarity.

I think I really need to monitor my outgoings beyond that covered by child benefit contribution and present my case clearly.

incidentally he lives mortgage free because he bought a property outright with the money I gave to buy him out of our joint home. I try to look at as an investment in a comfortable place for DCs to be. (not as a massive windfall on his part since he contributed significantly less to the mortgage than I did)

I just want to tell you something to watch out for OP.
I am not entitled to CB because I'm a higher rate tax payer. My ExH is entitled to it. We agreed that although the DCs live with me, he will claim it. CB confirmed this is in order, as long as he spends at least the equivalent on them.
After I formally agreed to him claiming (CB wanted me to as I had been the last to claim several years earlier), CMS then wrote to me to say under the CMS Regulations he was now considered to be the resident parent. I told them he wasn't (he lives some distance away and sees them relatively rarely, nothing like a shared care arrangement). They said the rules said he was. I asked them to note that he wasn't. They said they would, but it wouldn't make a difference. CMS then wrote to me to say that I was no longer entitled to any maintenance.

At this point, I had been entitled to a CMS assessment, but had a nil assessment as he was earning very little (still don't understand why I didn't even get a £5 assessment, but there we go). So at first I didn't care about CMS telling me they considered him to be the resident parent, UNTIL I realised that this meant that HE was able to claim maintenance, via the CMS, from me (the true resident parent).

ExH is a decent sort, so I decided to do nothing (if he'd tried to shaft me by claiming maintenance , I'd have cancelled his CB and made myself the resident parent again).

Out of the blue, I then got a call from CMS superviser saying she'd reviewed the file before it was closed and she had realised that it was a mistake and that the regulations DO NOT say that I was no longer the resident parent.

Just thought I'd post this in case something similar happens to you and you end up being assessed as having to pay HIM CMS maintenance!

jeeze that's not something I'd considered. thanks shallichangemyname. that's sterling advice