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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel like I can't fly without my children?

52 replies

Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 16:08

Friends 30th birthday this weekend coming and we've all booked a weekend in Rome.
10 mums going Friday evening and back Sunday afternoon.
Everyone very excited but I'm feeling sick at the thought of leaving my children and boarding a plane.
I'm terrified something will happen to me flying and the kids will be left without a mum and equally scared something will happen to the kids and I won't be able to just jump in a taxi and come home.
For what it's worth I have left them before to go away with work but never flying, I've also had many nights away for family weddings and so on but never a flight.
I feel crazy as some of the mums are leaving newborns and mine are 8 and 5 years old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 17:51

Tad emotional today anyway but your replies have been really helpful
I know it's the safest form of transport.
The terrorism threat worries me too although I know this is totally irrational and could happen anywhere but in our tiny village the risk feels much less than in a large city.
Every time I look at the kids I feel awful, really selfish and putting them at risk of losing their mum even though I happily drive miles without them and never ever think about it.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 05/09/2017 18:00

I'm the same OP. Completely unreasonable, totally irrational, but I can't bring myself to go abroad without my DC (they're 18 and 16!!)

I've been away in the UK loads of time later without them, but won't go fly. It's really silly and I know I've missed out because of it, but it's just a how I feel. The anxiety would ruin the break for me so it's just not worth it.

Iseesheep · 05/09/2017 18:08

I understand. I fly long haul regularly for work - not a problem. Husband spends most of his time in the air for work - not a problem. The two of us flying together - problem! But we have virtually no family between us so if the worst did happen they'd be almost alone in the world.

We have flown just the two of but I prefer to do it separately.

flownthecoopkiwi · 05/09/2017 18:11

I had to fly to other side of the world when DD was 3.5. It was hard but also due to the reason i had to go. Now though...i'd be fine. Have a great weekend away and don't let a small hiccup of anxiety stop you.

Hairydilemma · 05/09/2017 18:18

I've always refused to go anywhere that involves getting on a plane without my children.

I'm not an anxious person, though I don't particularly relish flying, and I'm aware of the stats about being safer than roads etc.

I suspect IAB quite U about this, so technically so are you Grin - but I completely get where you're coming from.

But.. as others have said the chances of everything not being fine are infinitesimal and as you're already booked (I have never made it this far!) then in spite of my obvious hypocrisy I would encourage you to go and have a fantastic time.

Mamabear4180 · 05/09/2017 19:25

I don't understand people who are afraid of flying but will happily get into a car every day

Do you not? It's a completely different feeling. Besides people don't usually fly everyday! I'm afraid of horses but not cows (ok I am afraid of cows but I'm making a point).

I also don't think these fears are irrational either. It's not normal for humans to be 30,000 ft in the air (and horses can bite and they're bigger than me)

Captainj1 · 05/09/2017 19:30

As a mum of two currently sitting on a plane waiting to fly off for some business meetings, something I do about 5-10 times per month, yes, YABU.

Mamabear4180 · 05/09/2017 19:33

futhermore here are some more differences between flying and driving:

  1. You're not flying the plane
  2. You can get in and out of a car at anytime just by pulling over
  3. It takes a long time to get on and off a plane
  4. it's recycled air in a pressurised cabin
  5. It goes over the ocean
  6. It's surrounded by aircraft fuel in the wings
  7. There could be a maniac on board
  8. You could have drunk annoying people on board
  9. There could be an emergency
  10. Terrorism

This list would actually never end. Computer issues, technical errors, turbulence..

Circumlocutor · 05/09/2017 19:34

And yet despite all that flying is still safer...

Original poster
Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 20:27

I feel awful letting my friend down
She's been through a terrible year with a divorce. I just feel sick at the thought of it in case something happened yet know once I was there I would enjoy it. Bloody brain doing overtime.

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 05/09/2017 20:31

Being statistically safer doesn't make it any less terrifying.

Original poster
Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 20:42
Confused
OP posts:
Etymology23 · 05/09/2017 21:03

Being scared isn't the problem here - it's if you let it make you change your plans. Because once you've done it once and nothing has happened, you'll be able to rationalise forever that it was okay then. Whereas if you don't go, next time may be even harder.

It is scary, but get some stats about RTAs vs flying, have a cup of tea and put it out your mind. Worrying won't change anything- at the moment you're catastrophising. This is a really common thing to do when you have anxiety, and the key thing is to note those thoughts in an abstract fashion, and then actively think a more sensible thought. It can often help to write that thought down. If you don't believe the new thought, that doesn't matter much, you still have to think it and write it down.

Sometimes I can see the terrible things happening to me over and over again when I try to get to sleep - in these instances I try to "watch myself" first I stand further away, and then I look at the scene through a window, then on a TV set through a window, then make the TV set black and white - physically (imaginarily) distancing myself from those catastrophising thoughts.

Captainj1 · 05/09/2017 21:41

Sample of one, granted, but I 100% survived.

😂

ifcatscouldtalk · 05/09/2017 22:19

This is anxiety at play.

I get it at certain times, usually when not with my daughter. Usually when In situations not in our normal routines. So ironically no anxiety about driving to work whilst she's at school but would think twice flying abroad alone. (thankfully logic takes over eventually and I'd go)

My daughter isn't that little now (13) but I've realised as a parent there will be times of anxiety for me, and I just have to ride that wave and grit my teeth. I realise I'm inclined to be a worrier as was my mother.

Now we are at a stage where my daughter does more stuff without us. The trips at school get further away. Garunteed they'll be something horrendous on the news the day/ week before she goes but we tell her to have a lovely time.

It's taken me lots of talking to but I really try to push what feels comfortable because every time I have a brilliant new experience has come my way.

I was honestly the most laid back person before motherhood. It messed with my risk assessment badly Confused.

ifcatscouldtalk · 05/09/2017 22:23
  • push what feels uncomfortable
Original poster
Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 22:28

Thanks I will try to but I just hope I don't have to cancel and upset her

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/09/2017 22:46

Seriously this isn't rational. You need to sort the anxiety problem. You really shouldn't cancel on her. Not on. Really it isn't.

Poppingoffnow · 05/09/2017 22:51

Better for the environment!

Original poster
Crazycatsandkids · 05/09/2017 22:59

I hope I can go. I can't really change my mind with a few days to go.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/09/2017 23:06

You can go. What will ensure you do go? Medication from GP? Mindfulness app? Soothing colouring or music to take with you? Stress ball? G and T at the airport?!
It would be a real shame to miss this event (and maybe lose friends) because of anxiety.
You need to conquer the anxiety long term. It's normal to worry about your kids but NOT to let it rule your life.

HollaHolla · 05/09/2017 23:13

You do know you're more likely to die going to the shops or work. (Cheery thought.) It just seems a bigger thing if you don't do it often.

I'd say if there's time, get thee to the doctor and get some drugs to ensure the flying is less stressful - if not, try a mindfulness or relaxation podcast. If all else fails, a g&t and a good friend who can't stop talking, and will distract you, can be the way to go. :)

Really - don't miss this. It's a slippery slope once you back out once. Enjoy Rome - it's fab!

JigglyTuff · 05/09/2017 23:16

Get some Valium and go. Don't cancel. That would be shit for everyone - including your children

Pigface1 · 05/09/2017 23:18

I really feel for you OP as I am exactly the same. I loathe planes and get anxious weeks before flights.

Something that helped me was an article I found about all the ways you're more likely to die than in a plane crash. Everyone's heard the car one - but you're also statistically more likely to be killed in the UK by lightning, food poisoning or to die falling out of bed.

HicDraconis · 05/09/2017 23:27

YABU but you know that. I frequently have to fly for work (long haul at least once a year, which is the full 28h flight to the UK from NZ and back again) and I leave my sons at home with their father. Who is, you know, just as capable and happy to parent them as I am.

I miss them when I'm away, we Skype or FaceTime regularly and I always bring them back a treat but I have never let fear of not coming back stop me from going. And yes, while I've been away one of them has been seriously ill (requiring hospital admission). Their father coped just fine, I FaceTimed in for a chat and I got myself on the first plane back. I was considerably further from home than you will be in Europe and I was still back same day. The chances of a significant illness coinciding with your absence if your children are otherwise well is tiny but if it happens it's so easy to hop back. Make sure you have travel insurance!

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