AIBU to stay out of it PIL and DH

[Teamkhaleesi]

Sorry about the length of this one. I used to be on great terms with PIL for the first 8 years but things have deteriorated since I got pregnant with DS (first GC for them). At first I tried my hardest to get things back on track by involving MIL in DSs life - asking her over for visits or to babysit even if I didn't particularly need her to. However it was never enough and they always wanted more time and more alone time with DS. Over time they became extremely passive aggresive and rude towards me so I backed off and stopped these invitations and also accepted fewer of theirs as I was uncomfortable around them and starting to worry myself sick over it. I've found not seeing them as much makes me far happier and I don't obsess about the situation anymore - out of sight out of mind.

The problem is my DH is useless at keeping in contact with them. Utterly useless. He's an introvert and just can't be bothered to make any sort of effort even though they've done a lot for him over the years and he does love them dearly. They live 10 mins away and he sees them with ds about every 3 weeks on average (often with me but sometimes I leave them to it as it really is uncomfortable to be around them now). I know they don't think this is anywhere near enough and I know they think I'm somehow limiting the contact which is not the case. This year he's completely missed his mums birthday despite me reminding him, didnt respond to their calls/texts asking to see ds for his first birthday and didn't see them for his milestone birthday (didn't even thank them for the card/gift they sent him which I repeatedly asked him to). Usually I would arrange these things as I'm the more thoughtful of us but I've taken a big step back due to how upsetting I've found PILs behaviour. PIL think this sudden distance is my influence and that I'm not allowing him to see them or talk to them. He has told them this is not true but they don't believe him (confirmed by SIL) and theyve started to send him gushing texts quite often - things like we love you son and we're always here for you xxxxx

FIL has a milestone birthday coming up. We have been invited along with SIL and her DP. They don't really have anyone else in their lives as they're quite bad at keeping in touch with family (apart from their DC) and don't feel the need for friends (his mum openly stated she doesn't like other women once). DP isn't bothered about going and says we probably won't....I know I'll get the blame for this but that's not the reason I think we should go. I think DH should make the effort as they love him and have done so much for him and DS. It makes me sick to think my own son would do that to me when I'm older (although I wouldn't behave as they have). On the other hand I'm half thinking it's none of my business and I should just stay out of it. I don't owe them anything and I certainly won't get any thanks for it. I'm also heavily pregnant with DD1 and don't won't to add to my stress levels.

Follow dh lead. They aren't that interested in your lives unfortunately. . Enjoy the peace is my advice!!

Boat, did you actually read the OP?

OP, leave your DH to it. It's not down to you to facilitate contact, if he cba, oh well. I refuse to do anything like this with DH and his family. It's all down to him which is why we are in more contact with mine. He isn't great at keeping in touch either. Not my concern though. Every other bit of household 'admin' and running falls to me so bugger it if I'm sorting his family contact too. I have a feeling MIL may also think it's down to me as DS recently told me something she said, which I'm fuming about, but tough shit really. He is a grown man and if MIL thinks it's big bad wife keeping her away then that's up to her, it's not true though.

Stay out of it. I had to do similar with my inlaws. I found I was constantly the one to organise & plan & cater for my dh & children to have a relationship with my inlaws that I wasn't getting any of the fun times myself. So I stopped. I pulled back. Told my dh that he has to step up & facilitate a relationship as it was draining & I felt really under appreciated. There was a big kick back where I obviously was trying to keep them apart 🙄 But it forced them to have a more mature relationship & im much happier leaving them to it. Dh is a grown ass man just as his parents are if they want to do something they need to speak to each other without me being in the middle.

I could have written your post myself.
My OH is appalling at keeping in contact with people, not just his parents. He doesn't check or use his Facebook so friend requests often go ignored and people think he doesn't like them, he doesn't participate in the family WhatsApp chat thing he's in, he's rubbish at answering texts. Consequently it's all fallen down to me. His family message/text/phone me when they want to know stuff and ask me questions they could easily ask him. When we do see them it's quite uncomfortable because he doesn't really make small talk or chat much unless it's a big family do and he can just sort of blend in. I admit it makes me feel resentful, I don't want to be the default contact for everything.
I have backed off a bit, I don't arrange things and I don't really instigate contact because it all just annoys me. When MIL sees the kids she want to act like we're this instant wonderful close family but because the relationship is kinda weird it just feels uncomfortable.
No advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to let you know I can relate and it's so frustrating.

It actually sounds like he doesn't WANT to stay in touch with them but is taking a PA approach to this. Is it possible they've slated you to him, he hasn't told you to save your feelings but he's punishing them?

Maybe he thinks this is the best way to handle them.

As pp say ultimately he's an adult, it's his choice.

Don't worry. Follow dh's lead and back him up. It sounds as though he has his reasons for minimising contact.

Nicolasflamel - sounds exactly like my DH. Although his family don't text me anymore they just go through him which is a large part of the reason they don't see DS as often as they'd like. It's not just them he's like this with it's his friends and colleagues too. However, I get on well with them and if he didn't respond to their texts one of them will ask me to give him a nudge. It's the only way he still sees any of them.

Graphista - no they won't have slated me to him. They're very careful about what they say and he is with them too - no one addresses the issue directly....it's just the way their family works. I come from a family where we're really open and if something/someone is bothering us we'll speak up. Not saying that my way is neccessarily the right way but I do find it hard to understand the way they are. I've heard from SIL some of the things that have been said about me though and am in no doubt that I'm being perceived as the wicked DIL. Things could have been so different it's a shame really.

Well I guess biting my tongue it is then. Think I knew that was the right thing to do I just find it so hard. But his family his choice. Thanks for the replies

They bit the hand that fed them - i.e. you.

Stay out of it. Let them think whatever they want to- live your lives as you think is best for you and the children. You were closer to them once, and it didn't work out! And sounds like that's no-ones fault but their own.