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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really upset that DP has told MIL about my PND?

28 replies

Supercala123 · 05/09/2017 12:40

I'm suffering with PND, I'm addressing it with meds but haven't told any of my friends or family. It's got a bit better over the last few months but I've just found out (as MILmentioned it in passing) that my DP has told MIL all about it. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be but that is my mood at the mo and I'm so angry that my privacy wasn't respected by DP.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 05/09/2017 12:43

I had PND too so you have my sympathy, it's awful. I think your DP was fine though, he's going through this too and needs an outlet for support of his own.

Nobody thinks depression is shameful any more. If they do, their opinion isn't worth your consideration. It's an illness, not a terrible secret.

I told every fucker :), and received love and support in return. Don't bottle it up, it's a common illness and loads of us have been through it.

2ndSopranos · 05/09/2017 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 12:48

totally understand how you feel. He shouldn't have discussed it with her if he knew you hadn't told anyone else.

Does he understand why you feel betrayed and that your privacy was violated?

CotswoldStrife · 05/09/2017 12:49

I can see why you feel that your privacy has been invaded but it is a little unfair to expect your partner to cope with no outlet himself! Your MIL may have even raised it with him, as it is likely IMO that others may have noticed but not said anything because you don't want to talk about it.

PinkHeart5913 · 05/09/2017 12:50

You've nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about!

Thing is your dp may of needed someone to talk to and it's not good to keep it all inside. He was being his best to support you I imagine and it's understandable he may of needed someone to lend a ear.

Have you thought that maybe you could confide in a family memeber or close friend as it would be another lot of support for you? Is keeping it to yourself really for the best

Original poster

Supercala123 · 05/09/2017 12:54

I do understand he probably needed someone to talk to as well but I don't feel like I can face MIL now. I'm a very private person and generally keep myself to myself. I just feel so horrified that she knows this about me now. I'm starting to overthink about the last time we visited and how she was 'over fussy' and a bit patronising. I can't help but wonder if that's why.

OP posts:

nuttyknitter · 05/09/2017 12:55

Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. PND is very common and the more people who are open about it the better it is understood. From your DH's point of view, living with a partner with depression is hard and he may well have appreciated support from his DM. Hopefully now she knows she can support you both.

minoandolphin · 05/09/2017 12:58

I've been on both sides of this - I've had PND, and my Dh has had depression/anxiety. I needed support from my DM both times; as I guess your DP did.

Living with someone with any mental illness can be extremely emotionally exhausting and people in that situation often do need to be reminded to take care of themselves and talk about the situation rather than bottling everything up and being a hero. Please don't be angry with him - he's actually done the right thing. Otherwise potentially you can end up with two ill people instead of one.

user1471450061 · 05/09/2017 12:58

My mil roared out in a packed restraunt that I had pnd. She also discussed it with many, many people. This is after assuring me that no one would ever hear it from her.

It's nothing to be ashamed about. And if she feels the need to make you feel awful about it she is a horrible human.

Chin up, keep doing what you are doing and let your dp know he was out of line.

BertrandRussell · 05/09/2017 12:58

"I'm starting to overthink about the last time we visited and how she was 'over fussy' and a bit patronising. I can't help but wonder if that's why."

She was probably trying to be kind and helpful and getting it wrong.. Try very hard to put that behind you. Make it very clear to your dp that he absolutely shouldn't have told anyone without your permission. It was very wrong of him. Tell him that if he needs to offload on someone you need to have a say in who that person is.

MrsJayy · 05/09/2017 13:02

Her over fussiness was probably her trying to support you I hated anybody knowing I had it a family member told me to pull myself together so i clammed up hid and got worse,I know you are upset and you have every right to be if you didn't want people knowing but don't be ashamed of your illness she knows now and you dont have to talk to her about it,some of how you are feeling might be your illness talking

ToadsforJustice · 05/09/2017 13:05

I would go ballistic if my DH had told anyone about this. It's not for him to share. Bollocks to him needing support from his DM! He should be looking out for you and making sure that if he wants to talk about it with anyone, he needs to seek your permission first.

I'm not surprised that you are ashamed and embarrassed. It's ok to feel this way. I know some women say it common and it should be openly talked about but only if you are happy to do so.

Talk to your DP. Tell him how you feel. Keep away from MIL as she doesn't seem to know how to deal with her feelings. Hence the patronising and fussy attitude.

You will get better OP.

gruffalo13 · 05/09/2017 13:24

I'd be annoyed too.
I have a health condition that I prefer not to share with many people.
However because it's been a long time I've had it now, DH seems to think I've relaxed my views about this and has discussed with some in his family.
I was so fucked off.
I don't subscribe to the him 'needing support' theory. There's counselling for that - via phone, free!

PollyFlint · 05/09/2017 13:30

I have mixed feelings about this one.

I'm prone to depression and was really quite ill with it a few years ago. If someone had asked me at the time whether I'd have been happy for my partner to tell my MIL, I'd have said no. (He might actually have told her for all I know, but if he did, she's never mentioned it and he never asked.) But in hindsight it would actually have been better for her to know - it might have helped her understand a few things about the way I was at the time. I know she would sometimes got a bit concerned during weekend visits when I was overly quiet or disappearing off to bed early, as she was worried she'd upset me somehow (she hadn't - she's lovely).

I completely understand why you're upset but you have nothing to be ashamed and it can actually be useful for people close to you and DP to know, as it means they can just cut you a bit of slack (which you absolutely deserve at such a tough time).

I really hope you feel better soon

Notagainmun · 05/09/2017 13:52

Your DP is trying to support you so I think he may have needed a little support and advice himself. I know if my DIL was suffering PND then I would like to be there for them both, if they wanted help.

Ameliablue · 05/09/2017 14:03

Living with someone with any time of depression or other long term illness is extremely hard, it isn't just the patient who had to deal with it, the partner does too and needs someone they can trust to talk to.

I understand it must be hard to accept that someone else knows, hopefully as you receive treatment things will become clearer and you won't feel embarrassed and ashamed.

MorrisZapp · 05/09/2017 14:07

'some women say it's common'.

No, it factually is common. Loads of people have it. Roughly ten percent of mothers was the last medical estimate I read. It's not some peoples opinion, it's a real illness and it is widespread.

BertrandRussell · 05/09/2017 14:08

I don't subscribe to the him 'needing support' theory. There's counselling for that - via phone, free!"

Could you post the number please? I think a lot of people would find it helpful.

Ameliablue · 05/09/2017 14:09

Hardly the same thing Bertrand.

Litteroftwo · 05/09/2017 14:09

I understand where you are coming from too.... but please don't feel ashamed. I spent 18 months denying my pnd to everyone but my husband and closest friend. It drove a wedge between my MIL and me- I think she saw some of my symptoms as being controlling and over precious. Our relationship has not recovered yet.
Maybe this will be a positive thing for you all. I hope you are getting all the support you need x

CatalpaTree · 05/09/2017 14:11

I would be furious. During all of my pregnancies and post birth, DH and I were clear on what was a baby thing that could be shared, and which things were solely concerned with my health that could not be shared without my permission.

If DH needs support then he should discuss with you who you are comfortable with knowing.

Ask DH if he had erectile disfunction would he be happy with you discussing that with whoever you needed to, so that you felt supported?

PND is nothing to be ashamed of, but then neither are lots of medical conditions, but often we want to keep things private whilst we deal with them.

Rockandrollwithit · 05/09/2017 14:14

I suffered with PND and would have been furious. It's your private medical information.

I understand that DP also needs support but he should have had a conversation with this about you first. In our case DP told a friend and got support that way, there was no way I wanted my MIL to know.

exxrecluse · 05/09/2017 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

lazyarse123 · 05/09/2017 14:22

I think you are being a little hard on him. My husband has suffered with depression on and off for over 25 years and the only way I have coped is by talking to my friends. Depression is a very selfish illness (please don't shout at me as obviously it can't be helped). Unless you have lived with someone going through this you cannot understand how difficult it is. I hope you are getting the help you need.

outofmymind26 · 05/09/2017 18:03

I came on to say my DP has had depression & anxiety & not left the house for almost a year now. I'm myself am at breaking point so my mum does know. It was eating me up inside. I obviously talk to him about it too but I don't think I could carry on with work & the kids If I couldn't talk to someone. No one else knows. My mum feels no different about things she just try's to help out when she can & understands if I'm a bit delicate.

Please don't feel bad about her knowing. Maybe speak with your DH & let him know how it's made you feel & then concentrate on you & getting yourself better. You say you've made progress & that's brilliant. Feel proud that your taking steps to get better.

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