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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - re: paying for baby products?

30 replies

AquarianMoon · 04/09/2017 20:55

Hello All,

I have been a long-time viewer of ‘AIBU’ and most of the time, the advice dispensed has been invaluable for the OP.

I have had an issue with both my sister and BIL since March of this year and would appreciate some advice of my own, please.

So as not to drip-feed, I shall now describe what happened (and the background context), as fully & frankly, as I can.

I used to work for a well-known chocolate manufacturer and when my sister was making her wedding preparations, my mother asked me for various boxes so that she could send them along with an invite (we are Asian and in our culture, weddings are seen as the be all and end all).

Now, this must have cost me in excess of £100 throughout the year-long prep for the wedding, but I never asked for a penny in return, as I was expected to ‘do my bit.’

So far, so good – the wedding went off without a hitch and all parties concerned, were happy.

I have 3 friends that were expecting babies this year and because BIL is an account manager for a well-known baby firm, I asked if he wouldn’t mind ordering 3 baby boxes (you know the type - with various creams, oils, wipes etc. for the little one).

He said ‘no problem’ and never mentioned money – so I assumed he was doing this as a favour and they were free. Bear in mind he is an account manager, on a good salary - and both live with his parents rent-free.

When the baby boxes arrived, it was my sister who texted me and asked for the money. I thought this was a bit cheeky, given I had asked BIL and not her - replied and told her that I never once charged her for the wedding chocolate our mother ordered me to get but OK, whatever - I would transfer him the money.

She then said that it was nothing to do with her, as she didn’t ask for the chocs!

A text battle ensued and both parties said some regrettable things – in anger I called BIL ‘a tight c**t’ (I’m not proud of this, but I was pretty angry) & she told me to ‘take a running jump off my works building.’

We seem to be at stalemate and haven’t had a proper conversation since then. Because she wished my partner a happy birthday, I wished BIL back - but neither of them said or did anything for mine - which I found quite hurtful.

Our mother seems to think that I am in the wrong here and that I should apologise, but I really do feel like the wronged party, here.

So can I please ask – who was BU? Me or sis?

Thank you for reading, this – I will be on-hand to answer any questions/ clarify points if needs be :)

OP posts:
Purplemac · 04/09/2017 20:58

YWBU. You're mum put you out of pocket, you put your DS and BIL out of pocket. Your sister did nothing wrong (apart from what she then said in the ensuing argument).

PlaymobilPirate · 04/09/2017 20:58

You're being ridiculous. You can't cash in on a favour

Cococrumble · 04/09/2017 20:58

No offence, but I think it was you. The chocolates were an agreement between you and your mother, while the baby gifts were between you and your BIL.

It's a bit crap to call someone a cunt over baby shampoo to be honest.

Reach out to your sister, it's really not worth not speaking to her over this.

rabbitcakes · 04/09/2017 21:00

You should have probably got back to them with the cost of the chocolate before you ordered it.

Probably should have asked how much the baby boxes were.

Never mix family and buying stuff.

Apologise, chalk it up to experience and don't do it again.

Namechangetempissue · 04/09/2017 21:01

YWBU. Your mother asked you for the chocolates, not your sister. As said previously, you can't cash in on a favour.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 04/09/2017 21:03

YABU. Why would you order presents and expect your BIL to pay for it? So you bought some chocolate for their wedding, big wow! You should've asked your mum for the money. Calling your BIL a cunt is completely over the top, nasty and uncalled for.

I'd be eating some serious humble pie if I were you.

FadedRed · 04/09/2017 21:03

Sorry, Op, but IMO you are very much in the wrong. Firstly for not asking him what they would cost and secondly for bad mouthing him.
The boxes are nothing to do with this. If you were asked to provide something for your sister's wedding, and you didn't want to pay for them/couldn't afford to, fair enough, then you should have said so at the time. Maybe your relatives thought you didn't have to pay for them/got them cheap.
You made an assumption about the baby stuff, didn't ask how much they would cost, didn't offer to pay. Then you were rude to him.

Salva · 04/09/2017 21:04

YWBU

DeadGood · 04/09/2017 21:05

I can't help feeling sad that you have fallen out with family over this.

I can understand that you were feeling hard done by about the chocolates, it was a lot of money.

But I can also see that this wouldn't have been on your sister's radar at all, and she would have been surprised to get your angry text.

Hope you guys can put it behind you.

NerrSnerr · 04/09/2017 21:06

I agree that YABU. They didn't ask you for the chocolates, that was between you and your mum. It's not fair to expect them to buy presents for your friends.

Dahlietta · 04/09/2017 21:09

Yup, sorry OP, I can understand why your mother might expect you to provide chocolates for your sister's wedding, but I can't imagine why you would expect your BiL effectively to buy presents for your friends.

DoJo · 04/09/2017 21:10

Your mum asked you for the chocolates and you never asked to be reimbursed - for all your mum knew, you had not been out of pocket over this and it's possible your sister didn't know about it at all. Then you asked for baby items and expect them to be free in return for a favour that you didn't actually do for your sister.

Out of interest, how long since your sister got married?

Also, presumably you were invited to the wedding so did actually participate in the celebrations that you contributed to, whereas the birth of someone else's baby is much less of a 'family occasion'.

YABU - I can see how you feel that there should have been some give and take, but there are too many people involved, and the situations are not similar enough for it to be as straightforward as you would have liked.

GahBuggerit · 04/09/2017 21:11

Sorry op I agree yabu :( like your dsis says it was nothing to do with her/her DH.

We've all had our fall outs with family. Apologise, agree it's nothing to do with her and say you just weren't thinking straight. Hope you all move on, am sure you will :)

Wolfiefan · 04/09/2017 21:12

If you had a problem with "being expected to do my bit" you should've said at the time.
You shouldn't have assumed it was for free. Why should he pay you back for a favour your mother asked you to do?
And you called him a cunt? Really?!

Ameliablue · 04/09/2017 21:14

I think chocolates for a family wedding, which were requested by your mother is very different to you requesting boxes of baby things for your friends from your bill. Does he even know them? So I think you were unreasonable to expect him to pay.

PotteringAlong · 04/09/2017 21:18

I'm with everyone else; you were in the wrong here OP

Fishface77 · 04/09/2017 21:19

I'm Asian and yes to some degree you are expected to do your bit.
I think you were out of order.
You owe big time apologies and if your sisters in laws are anything like some of the people I know I bet you've just made her life harder.

SingaporeSlinky · 04/09/2017 21:21

Sorry YABU. You can't compare providing chocolates for your sister's wedding (as a favour to your mum) to your BIL paying for your baby gifts to others. You both used your work connections, but you shouldn't have expected they'd be free. If you wanted the money back for the chocolates, that should have been made clear at the time, and your DM and DSis would have had the chance to agree who owed the money.
If you get married, I'm sure your sister will help out in return.

LespritDescalier · 04/09/2017 21:24

Meh, I think you were all in the wrong. If the baby stuff was worth less than the choc stuff, they really shouldn't have charged you, that was bad form from them. But on the other hand, it was your mother that asked for the choc stuff, not your sister/BIL.

So while it would have been nice of them to not charge you (and the correct thing), you should not have assumed and should have offered the money.

You should apologise, especially for the name calling.

Gazelda · 04/09/2017 21:30

How would you have felt if BIL had asked you to order a load of chocs, and Then made it clear he expected them for free. And the called you a cunt?

Moanyoldcow · 04/09/2017 21:31

Just adding to the crowd - YWDBU.

Your BIL's good salary isn't yours to help yourself to. If you wanted payment for the chocolates then it should've been between you and your mother as she asked.

This is entirely separate.

I can't believe you had to ask to be frank.

QueenMortificado · 04/09/2017 21:33

I often call people cunts when I fall out with them over chocolate or baby boxes

Ellisandra · 04/09/2017 21:33

Leaving aside whether you should pay or not, I'm interested that you were annoyed that it was your sister who contacted you not your BIL.

Surely that's perfectly normal.
BIL - oh those boxes have arrived for your sister
Sis - oh cool, I'll let her know

So from that alone I think that you for some reason are looking to be annoyed by them.

I'm with the others - it's got nothing to do with the chocolates.

  • they didn't ask for them
  • they might not even know your mum got them from you
  • they might assume anyway you didn't pay for them

It's normal anyway to do things for family - and these chocolates were for family, for your mum and loosely for your sister.

If he paid for your baby boxes, then he's buying stuff for your friends, it's not even family.

I am Shock that you called him a cunt.

Even if there's a back story and this is the final straw over him being tight... I would complain he was tight but never use the word cunt!

Idontevencareanymore · 04/09/2017 21:36

Sorry but you were BU.

The chocolate is a separate thing from you wanting to gift some pregnant pals.
Maybe bil should have mentioned the price before but also you should have asked how much he'd like,sounds a bit like you expected freebies.

I'd apologise for your harsh words and ask to draw a line under it all.

PerUnaStubbs · 04/09/2017 21:38

I think you're all tight cunts, ordering discount chocolate to go out with wedding invitations and discount baby wipes to send to friends. There's nothing worse than feeling shaken down by family members for your in-store discounts. Yes, DH works for a brewery