To think that bring pitied is much worse than being hated?

[SleepFreeZone]

What do you think?

I've had an afternoon of head tilts and faux sympathy and I honestly can't stand it. I would much rather be hated and treated with derision I think than be the subject of whispered chat and sad shakes of the head. It actually makes me feel more worthless weirdly.

How strange

I agree with you. Pity is born out of a weakness.

You sound in a bad place. I hope it turns around for you.

I don't like either much, are you ok?

Why do you think people are pitying you?

I completely agree, although I hate being hated too. I have had pity friendships in the past and it's a horrible feeling.

Completely agree op I had this for a period of my life it feel fecking awful people's hearts are in the right but I know I hated how it made me feel

I agree about pity being weakness and perhaps hatred is often projected onto those perceived as strong.

Well it's said that to hate something is to fear it so I'm happy to say that I don't hate anything or anyone.

Pity on the other hand to me seems to be a form of sympathy which itself derives from empathy. Perhaps clumsy and tactless but still not meant unkindly. What is horrible is having people visibly shake their heads and gossip about you - that's not sympathy or pity, that's people loving a bit of drama and being shitty about it.

Yanbu - pity feels patronising and disempowering. But at least some people may be feeling genuine sympathy for you?

Sorry if you've had bad news.

See I think pity is different to empathy. To put yourself in someone else shoes requires a depth of character, a sincere warmth. You can be sympathetic in a very insincere way and attempt to say the right thing but because it's not coming from a real place it generally makes the recipient feel worse.

I know there is no right thing to say sometimes but the best thing that was ever 'not' said to me was a hand on the shoulder from a very lovely sweet gentleman.

I don't think I've ever been hated but I hate it when people pity you. I was quite poorly last year & I appreciated empathy & kindness but hated it if anyone looked at me with pity.
I think pity is false empathy, people don't quite know what to do or say.
I have a friend who tries to get people to pity him & he can be self pitying, I've never understood it.

There was a thread a few days ago where the poster was upset that she thought she had a great life and had made choices that put quality of life over material possessions. Only to find that behind her back she had been subject to sympathetic whisperings by her family and considered the 'poor relative'.

It's that kind of thing that drives me mad. 'Oh poor xxxxx , that's such a shame, bless her'. In my head I'm thinking ODFO 😬

I completely understand where you're coming from OP and I agree wholeheartedly.

Empathy and support are totally different to pity - it's rather telling that pity usually goes hand in hand with gossip. (often dressed up as passing on concern)

My family have been the recipients of a lot of incredible support and empathy over the last few months but also an awful lot of pity and I can tell you that the pity has made us all feel like utter crap at a time when we really, really didn't need to feel any worse. The empathy and support however has been incredible and has lifted us and kept us going when we've just wanted to stay in bed and cry all day long.

I'm getting a very different sense of the way people define the term pity than I do, I think of pity in the way it's defined in the dictionary:

(Merriam Webster)
"Definition of pity
sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy"

What pps are describing here doesn't sound like pity to me, it sounds like people are being judgemental and patronising, perhaps even enjoying a bit of schadenfreude but not genuinely pitying. I stand by my original belief that true pity involves sympathy and commiseration.

I agree about the pity. I had bad acne in my teens and I hated when people pitied me for it. Not the well-meaning people, but the kind of "oh, poor you, that's so awful, how do you leave the house/look in the mirror you're so repulsive" type thing. I had friends and 2 boyfriends (at different times!) during that period so I was doing fine, but some people just presumed I was bullied and never left the house. I can see now it said more about them than me.

Pity friendships are a thing. Everything goes fine until one day you notice your "friend" only wants to dish out advice to poor little you and can't cope with you feeling happy, achieving anything or offering them advice. I do not get it. It is pointless fake and frustrating. Yuck.

We were kids from divorced parents in the 70's only ones without married parents

I hated the pity, knowing looks etc

I don't do pity ever, nor do I pity other people - they need support and positivity

The OP must be a lone parent in a small town in the Tory voting home counties? I was, and the undisguised contempt/ faux pity reactions were pretty horrible. I became a hermit and never looked back.