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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not have any bridemaids from my partners side of the family?

29 replies

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 04/09/2017 17:03

We've recently got engaged and I was only planning on having two bridesmaids; my sister and my cousin (to whom I am very close).
I know it is tradition and considered good etiquette to ask someone from my Partner's side of the family but I don't really want to.
The only person I would like to ask is his young niece (she's 12) but she is very shy and I feel like she would feel awkward spending the morning alone with my sister and cousin. I wouldn't want her to be lonely or to not have a good time. I would therefore invite her mother (my sister in law to be) but she isn't really the bridesmaid-y kind of person and I also feel she would see it as a bit of a chore.
Then if I do invite the niece and sister in law, then I'd have to invite someone from Partners Mother's side as she became very funny about us-vs-them after she split up with FIL.
Then I'd end up with ATLEAST 5 bridesmaids and all the costs of the dresses, hair, makeup, wedding cars that we would have to skimp for to be able to afford.

Would you think I was rude if I just had the two from my side? Am I at risk of starting life with the in laws on the wrong foot?

OP posts:

MonkeyJumping · 04/09/2017 17:07

I've actually never heard of having bridesmaids from the partners side - and I've been to a lot of weddings! The bridesmaids are meant to be your close female friends, there to support you. No need to have any of your partners family.

Bringmewineandcake · 04/09/2017 17:09

Ask your niece, you've no need to ask her mum to be bridesmaid too. I had my cousin's daughter who was about 7 at the time, and she had no problem being with older girls/women she didn't know when getting ready. For the rest of the day she'll be with her own family anyway.
It does cause feuds. My auntie is still bitter her DD wasn't bridesmaid for auntie's DB wedding 30 ish years ago

Coulddowithanap · 04/09/2017 17:09

I've not heard of it being etiquette to have someone from partners side as a bridesmaid.

All mine were from my side and nobody mentioned it being unusual.

It's your wedding so do it the way you want it.

flowery · 04/09/2017 17:10

Never heard of any tradition about having bridesmaids from grooms side. Groom gets ushers from his side, you get bridesmaids from yours, surely?

LucilleBluth · 04/09/2017 17:10

I have a DD and two DSs. It would be nice for her to be a bridesmaid in the future for her brothers but I wouldn't bother with a niece. Saying that I was a bridesmaid for my uncle....I just remembered that.

5rivers7hills · 04/09/2017 17:12

No obligation to have the other side of the family as your BM at all!

fuckoffdailysnail · 04/09/2017 17:13

We're planning our wedding now and lots of people have assumed I am having DPs nieces as flower girls and his sister as bridesmaids
I always tell them honestly I'm having our 2 DDs, my niece and my 2 best friends.
I find it ridiculous to include them, as a PP said your DP can find them roles if he wants them involved

WhatWouldDarylDixonDo · 04/09/2017 17:16

I only had my sister. Asked SIL to do a reading and she said no. But then kept dropping subtle hints about "oh are you having any little page boys or anything" Her DS was a toddler. No.

She had her SIL as her bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years later.

NameChange30 · 04/09/2017 17:19

I didn't realise this was a thing until I discovered that SIL was mortally offended that I hadn't asked her to be my bridesmaid
I only had one bridesmaid, my sister, as I didn't want to choose between my friends.
DH didn't want to choose either so he asked his sister to be his "best woman" - apparently this was not a thing so she had to be bridesmaid
Honestly OP have who you want. If you want to include the women from your partner's side perhaps you could invite them to your hen do - if it's a family-friend one. But there is really no obligation.

JustHappy3 · 04/09/2017 17:19

Ask your neice. (Ask her not her mum). Tradition is a wonderful thing but also nice to ditch it. Does she have to get ready with you? She could be waiting for you at the wedding ceremony venue if she didn't want to be on her own. And sit her with her family for the meal IF they'd like that.
MIL rang my parents house to talk to dh while we were visiting, after i said teenage sil could do this, to demand she be put on top table and not slighted. She looked terribly bored during the meal and i felt sorry for her but then picked her nose during the speeches so i didn't after that.
Just throwing that in to reassure you that your thoughtful worrying about shy dn may be taken wrong way!!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2017 17:19

Do you-know whenyou plan to marry? Is probably leave a decision on the niece till closer to see whether you get to know her more/ how old she will be at the time but no obligation to have people you don't want

Kitsandkids · 04/09/2017 17:20

I would ask your niece. Even if she is shy she may still love to do it. When I was 9 I was very shy but was still thrilled to be a bridesmaid for a close relative. I was away from my parents for several hours before the wedding, and probably didn't speak much, but I still loved being a bridesmaid.

Twickerhun · 04/09/2017 17:23

Gosh I didn't know this was a thing. Maybe this is why my sil hates me?

FruBayerischOla · 04/09/2017 17:26

"I know it is tradition and considered good etiquette to ask someone from my Partner's side of the family"

I have no idea when this was considered 'tradition and good etiquette'.

The bride has bridesmaids from her side of her family and/or her friends.

The groom has his best man and ushers from his side of his family and/or his friends.

Floralnomad · 04/09/2017 17:28

Is it a new thing ? I got married 28yrs ago , bridesmaids were both from my side , best man and ushers were from his , I would have thought that was fairly usual .

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/09/2017 17:31

Aww, ask the shy little girl to be a bridesmaid, she'd be so happy, and if her DM comes along, why would that be a problem ?
But at the end of the day, it's your call, you don't need to answer to anyone.

TieGrr · 04/09/2017 17:32

It's not usually done like that in my family, but I have seen some friends have their partner's sisters as bridesmaid.

Personally, I'd just ask who you like and who you're close to. DP and I are tempted not to even bother with a bridal party when we get married.

peachgreen · 04/09/2017 17:32

I had my niece (on DH's side) - she was 12 at the time. Her mum helped her get ready and I just met her at the church. It didn't even occur to me to get ready with her, she would have hated every minute of it! But then she wasn't a very traditional bridesmaid - she wore a kilt, sparkly tights and red DM boots (and looked AMAZING).

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 04/09/2017 17:33

I had two adult friends and my DHs cousin, who was 9 at the time and had never met the other BMs. She loved it, and still speaks fondly about it nearly 40 years later
Ask the niece - preferably when her DM isn't around, so that she can't be railroaded - and make it clear that it isn't compulsory. You might be surprised at how much she'd enjoy it.

sliceofkate · 04/09/2017 17:38

I had my SIL and her 2DDs as bridesmaids, it was just assumed that they would be and i just went along with it. The same with my own 2 sisters. So thats 5bridesmaids before I'd even picked any!! So i also had my 2 best friends.

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 17:38

Your nice will be fine. She doesn't have to spend the whole day with you surely? Can't she be more of an honorary bridesmaid for the ceremony only?

GreekGod · 04/09/2017 17:39

Maybe it's a cultural thing. We're Greek orthodox and I think MIL would never have spoken to me again if I didn't put bridesmaids from DH side of the family. DH couldn't have cared less. In the end, I put five from my side and two from DH side but DH side wanted a further six kids and I put my foot down and said that two kids that I hardly knew was more than enough.

chocolateworshipper · 04/09/2017 17:39

I had 4 bridesmaids all from my side.

However, I do think it would be a nice gesture to ask the 12 yo if she would LIKE to be a bridesmaid. You don't need to ask the Mum (if the niece says yes, I'm sure her mum will just be over the moon to have her little girl as bridesmaid).

Notevilstepmother · 04/09/2017 17:39

Tradition is to have your side as bridesmaids only.

Personally I think you should do what you want, don't feel obligated to have any of them.

Argeles · 04/09/2017 17:51

I was the opposite and had 3 members of my DH's side of the family as bridesmaids, but no one from my side of the family.

I have two female cousins, but we hadn't spoken in years - no arguments or anything untoward, we're just not close. One of them didn't even attend my wedding, as she had another event to attend. Apart from them, I have a few second cousins, but I have only met them two or three times very briefly.
My Dad was putting pressure on me to have one of them as a bridesmaid when he knew I was having some of my DH's family, but I put my foot down.

I have a really good relationship with the girls from my DH's family, and that's why I chose to have them in that position. No way would I choose a child of a cousin who I wouldn't recognise if they were stood next to me, just because they're family - sod that!

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