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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid with DM's antiquated remarks

24 replies

paganmolloy · 04/09/2017 16:54

Oh I'm not BU but I have to rant about it anyway.

Went for lunch with my very elderly Mum and daughter (13). We took our seat in a cafe and at the table behind us, there was a bloke aged late 20s early 30s. My Mum said to my daughter "you should have sat at that table and maybe you'd have got a boyfriend" Shock Shock Shock
I shut her down immediately but I was furious. This was wrong on so many levels not least that a 13 year old girl should not be attractive to a 30 year old man. It brought back all my childhood crap that she used to drip feed me as her thinking was the best thing for a woman was to attract a good man and settle down.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/09/2017 16:56

You'll probably be saying stuff yourself that'll horrify your DD in 40 years time Grin

distanceinair · 04/09/2017 16:57

I can remember being on holiday with my parents as the same age and them encouraging Turkish waiters to grab my arse Hmm no wonder I don't have the best boundaries now!

But it's the sort of comment best dealt with calmly.

HJE17 · 04/09/2017 16:57

Very icky!!! That must have been uncomfortable.

araiwa · 04/09/2017 17:50

I cant believe you own mother was encouraging paedophilia. Call the police, cia, kgb, mi5, go no contact, destroy her computer and phone and send her to australia.

Or not get furious over a joke

Up to you i guess

ButchyRestingFace · 04/09/2017 17:53

If your mother is "very elderly", is it possible she isn't good at gauging age differences in the young?

It seems a bit of an overreaction, possibly triggered by your own past history with your mum.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:56

Very elderly? Maybe she thought the man was a lot younger.

I'm sure she didn't mean that she would have liked a man of 30 start chatting up her 13 year old granddaughter Hmm

NewMinouMinou · 04/09/2017 17:58

My first thought is that she can't judge younger age ranges (IYSWIM) so well now.
Cringeworthy though...

apostropheuse · 04/09/2017 17:59

She probably had no idea what age he was. Ages are hard to guage. Anyway, teasing is one of the few enjoyable things about having teenagers.

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2017 18:02

A rather silly remark but surely not something to get worked up about.

Roll eyes and move on.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 04/09/2017 18:05

I sympathise with the being nagged to get a boyfriend from age 13 as i was too and i hated it. My mum used to suggest i get highlights etc to make me look more attractive to get a boyfriend. I was perfectly happy without one.

RhubardGin · 04/09/2017 18:06

For goodness sake OP it was just a stupid joke, lighten up.

Scaredycat3000 · 04/09/2017 18:16

Not sure why the assumption is that the elderly Mother was joking. The OP makes it clear that this is part of a life long pattern of behaviour. I'm totally fed up of the excuses that are made for the older generations behaviour.
OP YANBU, being your own entire lifetime out of date socially, morally and legally is bonkers.

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 19:32

A daft joke to wind up your daughter. You've taken it way too seriously. This is standard grandma stuff to be honest and it sounds like you're just really over-sensitive to it because of your own issues with your mother.

Despite that, fully expecting a flood of responses that will include the phrases -

"this is a safeguarding issue"
"I would call 101"
"We went NC over this with my MIL"
"Is it possible your DM may have dementia?"

Butterymuffin · 04/09/2017 19:36

And we wonder why teenage girls get the impression that without a boyfriend they are lesser people. It's aided by the drip drip drip of people making 'jokes' (how is it funny?)like this.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 04/09/2017 19:42

My Grandma refers to my 41 year old husband as a young lad. If you're 80 - 90 something it's probably difficult to gauge how young is young. A bit of a non issue really.

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2017 19:43

It's not in the least funny Butterymuffin but not something to get over exercised about either, surely.

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 19:46

Remind your dm that your dd is housebound til 21 so no bf searching for a long while yet. .

pasturesgreen · 04/09/2017 19:50

Sounds like the sort of misguided joke my dear departed grandmother used to make. I'm sure your DM didn't mean it maliciously, just roll your eyes and move on.

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 19:53

Antiquicated is an understatement. The word you are looking for is medieval.

Summercat · 04/09/2017 19:55

Weird comment. But just say 'don't be daft mum, she is 13!' And move on.

Original poster
paganmolloy · 04/09/2017 20:05

Ok, she wasn't joking. I know my Mum. Even if it had been a teenage boy same age I would still have been pissed off because like others have said, it's this drii drip notion that we have to have a man to be complete in our lives. Yes I admit that growing up, this was the message that I was fed either consciously or unconsciously and it did affect decisions I made. Now older and wiser I want my daughter to be happy in herself, strive to do what makes HER happy and not what she perceives to be expected of her.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 04/09/2017 20:17

Yes I can see why this pisses you off, but you're the one who will influence your DD and that's what counts. You're the one who is bringing her up to know that she does need a man to make her a whole person.

As you say, you're older and wiser and now you can dismiss your mother's annoying remarks and accept them for being just that.

These passing remarks won't have a lasting affect on your DD if you've given her a better grounding.

Macncheesewithbacon · 04/09/2017 20:20

My DGM says all this kind of crap too. I still go and see her but my kids refuse as she always says something totally inappropriate. Last time it was telling DD that she shouldn't be playing netball because boys don't like a girl "too well built". FFS

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2017 20:29

Ffs Doesn't need a man to make her a whole person, that should be. Doh.

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