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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad over DM's response to this

53 replies

ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:07

My DM, widowed around 18 months ago is in a new relationship. She's in her late 50s but I'd hope that wasn't relevant and that there were women in their 50s who didn't think like this.

My DH was ribbing me about my driving (I've damaged my car with branches driving down country lanes) and commented that he believed there was a study that proved in the whole, women have less spatial ability than men (no idea whether this is true or not- it was met with an eye roll and a sarky comeback).

DM pipes up and says "women don't need spatial awareness as we cuddle our husbands". I was a bit taken back but didn't say anything as DM has form for being v defensive and storming out if she's challenged on anything.

AIBU in feeling very sad about mum's response to this and I can't quite articulate why as it's on so many levels!!!

OP posts:
m4rdybum · 04/09/2017 15:35

Don't get your mum's comment but...

Not everyone has to turn into a raging feminist when something is said against the fairer sex.

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:37

Yes!!!! That's it. Sorry I'm a bit inarticulate today. I felt so sad and a bit ick about it. After all she's been through and in 2017, she still thinks like this.

OP posts:
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 15:38

Slightly missing the point, but my driving instructor said it was 'bollocks' that men had better spatial awareness than women. He said it came down to confidence and that when manoeuvring both sexes would be similarly accurate with positioning etc, but most men would just blithely correct themselves when they went off a bit, while women would be more likely to start panicking or decide they had completely messed it up and want to abort it etc etc.

Don't know if he was right or was just being kind as I struggled so much with manoeuvres, but it rang true for me and I like it, so I'm keeping with it!

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:40

On a different level, her new partner has told her to tell me to 'make time' for my DH or his eyes might wander and that his previous relationships ended because all his exs went a 'bit mad' with 'the change'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:41

So I'm also sad that these views might be reinforced by him!

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 04/09/2017 15:43

Bloody hell, she's the same sort of age as me and I'd be giving definite side-eye to any woman who thought that 'cuddling your husband' made up for not being able to parallel park!

Sounds as though her OH likes his women deferential and 1950's and she's living up to it! She's far too young to have this kind of mindset, surely? Sure she's not having it imposed on her, OP?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/09/2017 15:47

Not everyone has to turn into a raging feminist when something is said against the fairer sex.

^ this

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:49

I'm not sure Zaphod, I really hope not. Perhaps she's scared of being alone (married for 35 years) and thinks this is what he wants.

I get the sense she wants to be 'available' for him, which is worrying to my DSis and I. She's already said she'll be spending Christmas with him.

OP posts:
theduchessstill · 04/09/2017 15:49

Not everyone has to turn into a raging feminist when something is said against the fairer sex.

Where to start with this comment...Sad.

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 15:53

But the more I think of it, now I've had time to reflect on what she's said, the more I think she is keen on being the submissive female to keep 'her man' (makes me feel prickly the very use of the words 'my man'- SIL has 'darling of ' as her Instagram header and I think it's a bloody shame as she's a person in her own right. Maybe I'm just a raging feminist ShockConfusedBlush

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/09/2017 15:56

Surely you know your mum enough by now though that her silly comment isn't a surprise?

Or did she used to be quite sensible before boyo came along?

MorrisZapp · 04/09/2017 15:56

Loving the raging feminist comment :)

Decaffstilltastesweird · 04/09/2017 16:04

Surely you know your mum enough by now though that her silly comment isn't a surprise?

Or did she used to be quite sensible before boyo came along?

I have a bit of a theory about this.

When my mum died and my dad eventually found a new partne, he changed a little bit when he talked about anything relationship-y. It wasn't anything too bad in his case, but it was a little weird.

Maybe it's because she's been out of the dating game so long that she's reverting to how she would have behaved when she first got together with the op's dad? That's what I got from my dad. He sounded like he was in the 60s (not sexist. More groovy / down with the kids). My parents got together in the 60s, so I think that must have been the last time he dated anyone.

Obviously in the op's mum's case it's come out as (possible) sexism.

Or it could just be that the new partner is massively misogynistic and has influenced her Sad.

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 16:08

I have a mother who was a surrendered wife so these comments sail over my head.

She doesn't think women should drive, we should be utterly subservient to men, doesn't believe in equal pay, thinks it's a waste of time women having an education.

I don't even discuss these issues with her.

winglesspegasus · 04/09/2017 16:16

theduchess yes
um the fairer sex /that is sexist

op maybe shes afraid of being alone and wants to conform to what she thinks this man wants.
not saying it's right, but i see alot of that .i am older than your mom and a widow and wouldnt even dream of conforming to anyones expectations.has she dated anyone else or is this the first one to crop up??

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/09/2017 16:19

Decaf - again., this woman is the same age as me - we grew up in the 1970's! So she probably met OP's dad, what around 1980? Hardly the decade of submissive women!

My money is on the new partner (who, unless he's MUCH older than your mum, is also 'playing a part') liking 'little women' and telling her all about how his previous ex's couldn't hoover worth a damn or cook a decent meal and her trying to live up to his ideal. And as for his ex's going 'mad' when they went 'through the change' (which is an archaic phrase in itself) - perhaps he drove them mad and they saw the light?

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 16:23

Zaphod - I think you are on the money there. She met and married my DF in 1980. She was 20 I think. She was born in the late 50s. I am exhausted today so am going to spare myself doing the maths.

Very sadly this is the first one to crop up. Lots of warning lights on about him. Wish she'd gone fishing for a bit longer but hey, she's 58, I can't control her. He's 10 years older than her.

OP posts:
m4rdybum · 04/09/2017 16:24

um the fairer sex /that is sexist

So sorry;
Not everyone has to turn into a raging feminist when something is said against the fairer sex completely equal, politically correct, strong, independent women.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 04/09/2017 16:27

True zap... t'was just a theory, as I remember my dad's 'new partner weirdness' after my mum died. Maybe reverting to her younger self? I know a few women who liked to play the submissive wifey when we were in our teens - early twenties, (late 90s - early 2000s).

Or maybe nothing at all to do with that!

Whinesalot · 04/09/2017 16:28

I don't think it's her age either.

I think she's playing the role her new partner obviously wants her to. Which is a bit sad. But if she has not been on her own in 35 years, fear is probably driving this.

And if she has form for being overly defensive she's not going to take kindly to you pointing out the dangers of going along with this attitude. Unfortunately she is making her bed so she will have to lie in it.

winglesspegasus · 04/09/2017 16:38

not a raging feminist
so does that make them the darker sexGrin
its right up there with little woman,thankfully my 80 yr old mom and her mom raised me to be a person and not an accessory.

op can you get her to go out to places with more people her age,so she can see that he's not the only game in town.

Original poster
ginplease8383 · 04/09/2017 16:40

She's smitten unfortunately. She's there waiting for him at 6pm after he finishes work every night.

OP posts:
paganmolloy · 04/09/2017 16:43

her new partner told her to tell me to 'make time' for her DH

Hang on! Why is it any of his fecking business on how you and your partner interact. I get the impression he's fairly new on the scene, who does he think he is to comment?

MorrisZapp · 04/09/2017 16:46

Men are the unfair sex

CreamCheeseBrownies · 04/09/2017 16:50

I think I read somewhere that being "in love" meant having intrusive thoughts about the other person. Perhaps she was in the middle of pondering her beloved, just opened her mouth and absolute rubbish spouted out. General spouting of rubbish happens to me far too often.

It's not her official take on life, the universe and everything, it's just a throwaway remark. Don't give it more weight than it deserves. There are only so many levels on which it could have been meant.