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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not meet up with friend and her boyfriend

29 replies

Mushybanna23 · 04/09/2017 13:03

Been friends for so long but she's dating this new guy. He likes to get drunk start fights go off with the boys and appear home late. 12.30 at night to be exact when they had a flight the next morning and had booked a hotel at the airport. On one of the occasions my friend was drunk and on the way to his, I told her I didn't think she was sober enough to get the train I tried to stop her. Long story short she ended up at the wrong station with a dead phone and when I called the bf to ask if she had arrived. He told me she's at the wrong station obviously with another guy cheating on her. I panicked asked what station and went to find her she was fine in the end. He spent all night calling me calling her a slag said I was cheating on my partner I was a whore she was a fat slag it went on and on. Had to turn my phone off. My partner kept telling him I wasnt cheating on him and that she was safe with no guys and not cheating on him and please calm down he accused my friend on sleeping with my partner. She won't leave him but that's her Decision I give my support to her no matter what happens. But speaking to family today I've done the wrong thing in declining an invite for drinks with them both. I see her atleast once a week but family are saying I should accept the boyfriend and not seeing her with him means where alienating her

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 04/09/2017 13:03

Sorry for the long story

OP posts:
5rivers7hills · 04/09/2017 13:06

Its a bit shameless isn't it? Probably give them both a wide berth.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 04/09/2017 13:08

She's a school friend and just a bit clueless I've said I will support her no matter what. And given all my advice

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 04/09/2017 13:08

Nope I wouldn't put up with that and wouldn't want him in my life. Totally accept her and support whatever choice she makes but that doesn't mean you have to put up with someone like that in your life.

SaveMeBarry · 04/09/2017 13:09

Eh, no you're not alienating her! You're quite rightly choosing to not spend your time with an aggressive, abusive arsehole and you're choosing to not give friend the impression that you'll fake approval of this relationship just to keep the peace.

Hey if your family are that bothered they can meet up with them, can't they?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 04/09/2017 13:09

Why would you want to spend time with him? Shock
Yanbu

Cakeycakecake · 04/09/2017 13:10

Why should you accept spending your free time with a tosser who speaks to you like you're shit?! Nope. Your friendship is with her not him, and if she doesn't like that you won't spend time with her fella she needs to ask herself why you won't. I'm guessing you told her how he spoke to you?

Oddish · 04/09/2017 13:11

Tell her you can't see her while she is with him but will be there for her when it all inevitably falls apart.

Anecdoche · 04/09/2017 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notevilstepmother · 04/09/2017 13:16

You don't need to accept him, or his dreadful behaviour.

However I can sort of see what your family mean, if he isolates her it will make it harder for her to get away from him.

As you are seeing her every week this isn't such a problem at the moment.

I hate it when people get all "I'm so non judgmental".

Fine to be non judgmental about stuff that is irrelevant, like race or sexual orientation.

Behaviour like this, damn right I'm judging him. I'd judge you too if you went for drinks with someone that called you a whore and assumed you were cheating on your boyfriend for no reason.

Well done for not approving of the twat. I hope you friend comes to her senses sooner rather than later.

Travis1 · 04/09/2017 13:16

Nope, why would you socialise with someone who called you a whore? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Notevilstepmother · 04/09/2017 13:17

I mean do you actually want to give her the message that his behaviour is just fine and nothing to worry about Hmm to your family.

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 13:21

He is clearly a massive arsehole and you shouldn't have anything to do with him. See your friend on her own or not at all. Of course you shouldn't accept someone who calls you a slag and is obviously a massive dickhead.

They both sound a bit of a nightmare, frankly, if she also gets so drunk that she is incapable of making a train journey.

GinGeum · 04/09/2017 13:29

God, her first initial isn't 'T' is it? Sounds horribly familiar to a friend of mine's relationship. I have given them both a rather wide berth!

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 04/09/2017 13:29

I am constantly amazed at the drama in some people lives.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/09/2017 13:33

Me too. If I thought anyone was like that I'd avoid them. If my friend had a boyfriend like that I'd think she'd gone crazy.

Hissy · 04/09/2017 13:48

family are saying I should accept the boyfriend and not seeing her with him means where alienating her

Whose family? yours? or hers?

Her life, her look out. You are seeing her every week, you don't have to see anyone you don't want to. If you see him, it's supporting her relationship. If you see her and not him, perhaps it will permeate her skull that he IS a prick and life would be better without him in it

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 04/09/2017 14:18

My family

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 06/09/2017 12:28

Different dilema been invited to bowling on Friday with her and 3 other girls. one is brining her boyfriend Maybe two are would I be wrong to bring mine. or
Is it un fair on my friend who feels she can't invite hers.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/09/2017 12:35

You have to stop micromanaging this woman.

If her boyf is a wanker, that is her problem. if she brings this idiot then MORE of her friends will tell her what a twat she is for putting up with him.

If YOU want to go bowling, and if its OK that it's with other halves, AND he wants to go.... GO!

There is no reason on earth why you and your friends should curtail your social lives because one of your girlfriends has picked a twat.

the MORE normal she sees, the more likely she is to reflect that perhaps she needs to find someone better.

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2017 13:14

Different dilema been invited to bowling on Friday with her and 3 other girls. one is brining her boyfriend Maybe two are would I be wrong to bring mine. or
Is it un fair on my friend who feels she can't invite hers.

It isn't unfair. It's nobody else's fault that her boyfriend is a violent drunk who starts fights and abuses her friends by phone. He is her boyfriend, nobody else's, and none of you are obliged to spend time with him. He sounds bloody dangerous for a start.

Donttouchthethings · 06/09/2017 14:16

We could, potentially, all spend far too much of our lives with people who make life difficult or unpleasant for us. Part of that can be down to others close to us enabling the situation.

The truth is, you never get the time back and looking back at my life, I wish a close friend could have been straighter with me at times. The difficulty is being heard in this situation and also your friend being ready to move on - who knows what it is she has to learn (or whatever) before she can do this. Still, I would suggest you make it clear to her, gently, that you love her but you don't want to be around someone who calls you a whore (etc - be specific) and for that reason, whilst you'd love to see her, he's not welcome.

PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 14:25

There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't bring your boyfriend to events just because she can't bring hers. Your boyfriend isn't a violent abusive twat and has done nothing wrong.

emmyrose2000 · 07/09/2017 06:50

I'd never have any further contact with him. I'd also cut off anyone who exposed me to a piece of scum like him in the first place.

Gooseberrytart4 · 07/09/2017 06:58

Tell your friend with the drunk partner that her boyfriends behaviour was so rude/offensive, you don't want to have drinks with him ever again. She was probably too drunk to remember but boyfriend was very abusive to everyone. You don't want a repeat of that night. Happy to see him for a cup of tea during the day though. When he's dry. She might have crap boundaries but you don't have to. You can still support her

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