To think this is very odd behaviour for a new (barely) relationship?

[Chickenwithrice]

It's not my relationship, but it's effecting my work.
I have a manager that I work with, plus one co worker at the same level as me. We all work together, generally it is 2 days with me and co worker alone, 1 day with all 3 of us in, then 2 days with me and manager alone and same vice versa. So we all get fair days off and working hours. On my days off, they (manager and co worker) work together without me there.

Co workers performance has never been great if I'm honest. He will argue with our customers (which actually shocks me tbh, some customers are arseholes but you don't stand there and tell them they are wrong for not liking your service!) but it's mostly been ok and as it's hard for manager to fire people co worker has been kept on.

Just over a fortnight ago my coworker came in and was a bit distracted and all over the place but not too bad. He told me he'd met someone, great. They'd met at a wedding and had got on like a house on fire... props to him.

But he was sad as it probably wasn't viable due to the distance between them (3+ hours drive) but he was already considering putting in for a work transfer or leaving the company to find a new job... I was probably happier than I should've been about this since I don't enjoy working with him but, hey ho.

A few days later he popped around to mine to drop off some work related things I'd forgotten to bring home.

I thanked him and we chatted again. He told me this lady has a child, 5yrs old and he was very excited to meet them. I was a bit :/ about it because they (him and this woman) hadn't actually met since the first time they'd met and had only been talking online. Someone who allows their child to meet someone so soon is a red flag IMHO, but he was talking like he was going to do so soon....

A few days later again, bringing us to a couple days ago, he came into work and was really horrendously shit. So shit in fact that, on the day when it was just him and myself in I actually called in the manager who took over and sent him home. It was bad, really bad.

This was 2 days ago. Co worker has since had yesterday off, today off and will be taking tomorrow off too to "sort his head out" because of these "girl issues", they are "taking a break" and he'd rather not talk about it... which leaves me and manager going in when we are not supposed to be in together in order to plug the hole, or on one day 1 man down on the busiest day of the week (the day normally all three of us are in)

I could've refused but I would've only had to have cleaned up the mess my manager would've made trying to do the job of 2/3 on his own... in fairness I get good overtime rates for this but I'm still pissed off.
Now I don't much care who he's with or how well it's going. It is simply not my concern. What is my concern is how it's effecting my work.

He was also saying to people he was going to be a "father" (because she has a child) personally I think he's come on way too strong, freaked the poor lass out and she's run a mile tbh I can see why
I overheard this when he was talking to someone else at work about it :S

I also don't think it's reasonable at all to just skip out on work and leave a team of two to pick up the pieces. I would sympathise if he'd been married for 10 plus years but he's not even known the girl a month and as far as I can tell they've not met again since the first time! :S

My manager is trying to give him the boot but it's difficult.

Co worker has worked at lots of other business sites (there are 12 he has worked in 9) before and manager has tried to put him up for a transfer but those who need staff won't touch him as they've had him before and don't want him back

Aibu to be fucked off, pissed off and really quite shocked that my co worker is behaving like this over a lady he's known not even a month and met once?

I realise reading this you'll think he's about 15 but the scary thing is he's actually in his mid-late 20's.

I think you have a right to be pissed off at his performance at work and how it impacts you. The rest of it? Well you seem way over invested in his car-crash of a personal life.

I don't think I'm overinvested. I don't ask anything about it and really don't give a fuck how it's going, though I do find it odd. I'm confused and pissed off mostly. Confused as to why it's effecting him so much, pissed off that he's just decided to not go into work for a few days because he's having "girl issues".

How long has he been there?

Ugh, I'm sorry. He sounds like he's the worst. I've actually been put in that position (well, similar), and I had to ask my boss which tasks he'd prefer I prioritize, since I had X hours and XXXX things needed doing now. My boss ended up giving some stuff to other people (whose job it also wasn't), I did my bit, and some things fell through the cracks. Good luck, he sounds awful to work with.

He's been working with us for about 3 months; he was transferred in.

Transferred in, there's your answer. Transfer him out asap.

A transfer cannot be done unless there's a job available, the places with space he has already worked at and they refuse point blank to take him.

I can't be too specific but in order to fire him certain protocols must be followed (protocols put in place by highers up, above my manager), so it's going to be a slow and painful process.
It would be quicker to transfer him but the only ones with space (he's worked at 9/12 sites) refuse to even consider taking him on.

Does he have autism?

Not that I know of, prop and I wouldn't like to say he does because he's a bit of a creep in a new relationship and shit at his job.

they'd better start off the process of firing him then. clearly he's a liability and the sooner he's gone the better. can you find out if they've started at least?

I know my manager is pushing it at the moment but don't know the outcome/current situation with it.

Is he the Managing Directors son or does he know where the bodies are buried?
Difficult to understand how he has kept his job, if this is his usual behaviour.
You say it's difficult to sack people. Well as long as the manager 'follows the rules' - warnings, performance management, training if seen to be appropriate, then it is possible to sack people for poor performance.
Agree with pp's that you need to talk with your manager about how the situation impacts on your work, emphasis on your working patterns etc, not so much on the ins and outs of your colleagues car crash of a personal life IYSWIM, what aspects of the extra work is prioritised and what/how long you can do extra hours etc.
Very difficult working with such a drama llama, though, you have my sympathy.

There are 8 steps that need to be followed before someone can be dismissed/fired. Some of them require a certain timeframe in which it must be done in (eg, extra training or support being given then a fixed timeframe to improve) so yes it can be done but it's a quite lengthy process (I've been here years and I've not seen it done in less than 6 weeks start to finish, minimum) vs a weeks notice which is how it works in other places. I don't deny it's possible, but it's not immediate or quick. I've also known it to take as long as 6 months. A girl in another part of the business (I didn't work with her or her side of the business directly) turned up half pissed 2 days in a row and had to be sent home, frequently called in sick on a Sunday or Saturday morning with a mysterious illness and it still took almost 3 months for her to be gone... its good in a way as it gives people a chance to improve but IME they almost never do.
So, it's easier to just transfer people out.
There is a clause in our contract that we can be transferred with as little as 72hrs notice so long as the distance is reasonable or travelling/accommodation costs that would not otherwise be paid is reimbursed. It's considerably faster to do that than to fire someone, which is probably why he has bounced around so much. In fairness to him he has done day cover/temporary help in some but in most places he stays for a few months and then transfers on. Which leads me to believe this is the reason why especially when none of them, even those struggling to fill a position actually want him back.

I was wondering that too Prop.

It's not to say that ASD would make someone be a creep or shit at their job per se (clearly lots of people with ASD are great at their jobs, and are very respectful in relationships).

However, the difficulties with social interaction and imagination seen in people with ASD might explain his rudeness to customers (if he doesn't realise he's behaving in a way which would offend customers and can't empathise with how his actions might be experienced by others); it might also explain his complete mis-reading of this new 'relationship', eg had he taken literally whatever the woman had said when they met.

They could just try firing him and seeing if he brings a claim - can be expensive to claim and he may not be in a union.

If he has autism and it means he cannot do his job then I don't think that it's right he should stay in it. if they can find a role where he does not speak to people and he has a disability rather than just being very rude then perhaps keep him on.

He's been working with us for about 3 months; he was transferred in.

How long has he worked for the organisation?

If you r manager had any sense, he would have sacked using gross misconduct for this: He will argue with our customers

There are 8 steps that need to be followed before someone can be dismissed/fired.

That may be the case internally, but not legally.

His performance issues are up to your manager to resolve. As you say, there are procedures to be followed, so your manager needs to follow them - which it sounds like they are doing. If you have complaints that this person's performance is affecting your own work, then you need to take those complaints to your manager, which may well help your manager in trying to resolve the colleague's performance issues.

Your colleague's relationships and how he conducts them are none of your business though. You have a right to complain about the end result of how it affects your work if he isn't focusing and is suddenly taking time off, but not about the relationship itself. Completely agree it all sounds weird, but that element of it isn't your problem; it's purely his performance in the office that's an issue for you and it sounds like his performance was shit before he met this woman anyway.

so what if legally he could be fired without these steps in place, if my manager tried to just fire him in line with the legal minimums he'd then be hauled over the coals for it and coworker would likely keep his job anyway. So, pointless and just gets him into shit.

He's fine when being praised for his work, but if someone makes an even justified complaint he will scream at them if he's anywhere nearby and hears the complaint. It's got to the point where some regulars and staff from other parts of the business will not come into this part or order food (we work in the kitchen) if they see or know he is in.
For example,
Customer orders medium rare steak.
They are served a rare steak. I can tell it's a rare steak. A blind man with no sense of taste can tell it's a rare steak. Customer is served this anyway. Customer complains. Coworker screams that they shouldve ordered it medium well or well done.

Despite the fact that said steak is barely seared all over and completely red as soon as you cut into it.

Staff member from the floor side asks for a salad with her meal allowance. co worker uses salad that is a day out of date. Not dangerous but limp and a bit Uck. Unacceptable but not food poisoning territory.
Staff member brings it back in and complains. Co worker throws it on the floor in front of where staff member is standing and tells her to get the fuck out of the kitchen as he is not interested and she's talking shit.

He seems to have delusions that he is an amazing cook when in truth, he's a bit shit and he's only actually useful on non food related tasks.
He will not take criticism or hints, if he takes any advice or help from another person he will pretend it was all him... we had an issue with a new menu item being dry when cooked. We tried slow cooking it, marinading it. Slow cooking made it bland, marinading it made it a pile of mush. Grilling made it tough, tried various rest times etc... Right pain in the ass and we had very little instruction on what to do. So, manager comes up with something to try. Tries it, works perfectly.
Co worker then spends the entire day telling me (when I was the one to pass the suggestion on, so knew it was bullshit), the floor staff, customers and everyone who had ears that it was his recipe that improved it.
We have had to throw stock away because he's fucked it up to the point where fixing it to a decent standard is actually near impossible and would cost more than chucking it... the batch of leek soup that tasted like you were chewing on pieces of garlic. I was tasting garlic for hours after trying it. Ew.
But if you have a suggestion, criticism or issue with his food you face either
Irrelevant and sometimes false criticsm back.
A complete rage which can and does include throwing things.
Him sulking until the next day while moaning about how unfair it is that no one likes x or y and that we don't know what "good food" is...
so because of this, we try to get him on prep (eg, chopping, peeling rather than preparing actual food) and cleaning wherever possible. Which he also tries to talk up his own ass with, but he has less opportunities to do so with thankfully.

I don't think he has autism, but I am no doctor of course. Either way I don't actually think it matters - if he has autism and it means he can't do the job he shouldn't be doing it at all. Call me a prick if you'd like but I have problems doing some things due to illness I would absolutely not take a job where those things couldn't be avoided let alone if they were my main role. Truthfully I think it's an asshole problem not an ASD problem.
Sometimes he's ok to work with, sometimes he's a complete and utter nightmare.

With that extra information, I'd be inclined to agree!

He's got delusions of adequacy then.

Your boss is going to have to work through the procedure else he will challenge his dismissal.

I hope they have had the sense to warn your coworker about his behaviour, it's clearly inappropriate, and will be more careful who they accept as a transfer in.

HOW LONG HAS HE WORKED FOR THE ORGANISATION?

I'm not sure why you started off by asking questions about his new relationship to be honest, as the rest of the info you've drip-fed is clearly more relevant to your situation at work than the relationship stuff!

He's obviously not competent and I'm sure your manager will try and deal with this. As you said, your manager is already trying to push to set the wheels in motion - obviously it will take a while because of the steps you mentioned but it sounds like that process is already starting.

Even with the eight steps system, there will almost certainly be other misdemeanours that would be serious enough to bypass that almost all companies have a procedure for gross misconduct that is different to just dealing with someone's poor performance. And it sounds from your description of your colleague's behaviour that he will probably end up on the gross misconduct end of the scale very soon if he has that much of a temper.

Members of staff who are screamed and shouted out or who witness him carrying on like this in front of customers do need to make a note of when it happened and report their concerns to a manager though; it's no good if you're all just standing by and letting him behave like this without telling anyone.

He didn't leave work and not come back in again for days because he's an asshole. He is doing it because of this "relationship" in well aware of what's relevant to my work situation, but I wasn't asking about that. I was asking about the current situation which is, he's fucked off out of work for a relationship/whatever it is that isn't actually a relationship, in a very weird situation and is acting like he's just lost a wife of 10 years. That was my aibu.
It was further questioning about why he's not been fired already, does he have ASD that has prompted me to give more details.
I'm already well aware it is not unreasonable to not want to have things flying around the kitchen or your job effective by someone being aggressive, rude and unprofessional, hence why I did not post about that.

I DONT KNOW HOW LONG HE HAS WORKED FOR THE ORGANIZATION, ONLY THIS SITE, IVE NEVER HAD CAUSE TO ASK OR KNOW