Feel so desperate for another child and wonder how others got past this? Looking for the long view!

[dameednatheaverage]

Hello everybody. I am looking for people who have a longer view than me on my current situation (or similar). I have two beloved dc, so will start by saying I am very very lucky. I have had some hard times lately though. I always desperately wanted a third, I feel powerfully that somebody is missing from our family. It's not rational, it just is.

After my second dc, life, work, money conspired and a third was not on the cards. The longing didn't go away and to cut a long story short, pregnancies at 43 and 44 didn't work out.

It's been extremely painful, agonising really. I am now wondering whether to give it one last try (I still get pregnant easily but have lost both babies at 13 weeks for different reasons).

Really I know I should work on being happy with what I have. So, I am wondering if there are people out there who also longed for more dc, but who are further away from this than me? Does the longing recede? Does it get easier? What did you do? I hope it's ok to post this here. Thanks in advance.

Hi Dame I have one dc, and then had a pregnancy at 43 that didn't work out. I'd planned to try again, but at 44 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after chemo and long term fall out from that, plus my advancing age, it was too late for another one. It still hurts, and it probably always will. Cancer taught me that it's really important to be grateful for what you have: I'm still here, my dc is frickin awesome and life is good. But life now means living with both the fear of cancer returning, and the grief of that child shaped gap in my life, and my dc growing up without siblings. I don't know that this any help, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that however great our lives are, we all have to carry some pain. If I were young enough I would try for another, but I'm not, so I carry my grief as just part of my life experience, and who I am. Sending hugs

Oh HMC, that sounds horrific. I am so sorry you had to go through that and thank you so much for sharing your story.

Yes to carrying grief as part of who you are. I think I am just getting used to that - the last termination was about four months ago and it still feels extremely raw. At the moment I feel as though I am walking around with a very obvious injury that everyone is politely ignoring! Except of course the injury is only obvious to me.

Every best wish to you and hugs and flowers too.

When ds was 1 we ttc again. 3 chemicals and a mc at 8 weeks now 2 years later has seen me accept there will be no more. At 46 it's still hard to accept and feel shit to dh who wanted one if not more than I did. I have other dc but doesnt ease the longing at all.
Trying to enjoy the ease of a toddler and no baby items needed taken everywhere etc but still hard.

Hi boatmistress, I'm sorry, that's so hard. I try to tell myself stuff about the relative ease ... but I know really that I'd give anything to be carting baby stuff around. I feel like giving it one more go but I know the chance of a successful pregnancy are less than 1%. I think I might be jus prolonging the agony.

Sorry - typos!

How does your partner feel about it? Your grief may leave you longing for another baby and yet his may be leaving him in abject fear of adding more potential grief into his and your heart?

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving it one more go IF you know that you'll cope if it doesn't work out again. If it doesn't, will you feel worse than you do now, or better because you you tried as much as you could? (Also it doesn't help with bloomin birth announcements on the BBC)

Strangers, you have hit the nail on the head. He will do it for me but (and I won't admit this to him) I know that we both fear where my grief would take me following another almost inevitable loss. It is a really agonising decision, accept this baby shaped hole and try to move on, or try again in the very slim hope of a miracle, but at great risk.

I don't know HMC. Some days I think I am fine and highly resilient. Others I feel like slinking under the duvet and not coming out for some time.

I still have a fertility app on my phone and track my cycle but we don't talk about ttc anymore. I feel guilt, dh feels bad I feel guilty (my age being the fault).
We have consciously put more effort into trips away and time for ourselves just as a reminder of our relationship as a couple not just as dps.
Sort of weaning off ttc I guess.

It's not your fault though boatmistress, although i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. My body feels like it's taunting me sometimes - everything working like clockwork really, and I feel as well now as I did at 34 (in fact, possibly better) .... but I clearly have very tired eggs!!

Strumpers not strangers! Predictive, sorry!

I'm well past the menopause and still have odd tearful moments when I wished I could have had another or even have one now. it doesn't really go away I suppose is what I am saying. you just have to develop your own coping strategies. its the grieving for the babies that you don't have/lost that most people think they should just be able to get over but not sure if you really do. sorry if this isn't a helpful post. just trying to be honest. Fertility issues really suck because you are thinking about them all the time whilst on treatment then when you aren't its not a switch that you can just turn off.

Thanks mummymeister. Even if it's not possible to say it goes away it's something at least to know I'm not alone. I am so envious of those people who have just the family size they want and know it!

Dame, me too! And the pregnancy announcements! Don't think they'll ever get easier - and I have a child!

This will probably sound really stupid, but I bought a horse when I realised that a second DC was definitely not going to happen. It really helped save my sanity, and give me something else to focus on. I'm not suggesting you do the same, unless horses happen to be your thing, but another focus for your energy could maybe help?

I love horses don't! But I live in a semi in London 🙁 Not that practical. I have thought about a dog, but honestly I would worry about it! My cat has been getting A LOT of love lately and kind of tolerates it, but with a slightly raised eyebrow and a sigh. I'm sure he's wishing I would try counselling instead. (I have - expensive and doesn't give me a baby).

I can't share my experience but my DM said the constant nagging feeling of longing goes away when life and lifestyle moves on from small DCs, however for her the feeling that she'd been "punched in the stomach" whenever a pregnancy was announced continued until grandchildren arrived. It did lessen over the years but possibly because frequency reduced as she hit her 40s. She had 3 DC and an early miscarriage with DC4 before life dictated more babies wasn't sensible.

Her and DF went on to foster for several years which I know was very healing for him; it was still positive albeit less so for her as she felt some sadness when the kids moved on. Not right for everyone but possibly something to consider?

Thanks for replying polar. I have thought about fostering but just don't think I could for a few different reasons really.

I think it's just a matter of transferring your focus and retraining your thinking really, much the same as anything in life you might regret. I have one dc and would have liked another but it never happened, and now I'm in my 40s it's unlikely to ever happen. Now I just focus on the hobbies I have (which I wouldn't have time/money to do if I'd had another dc) and providing support for DD's interests (which she can do more intensively because I can ferry her about without a younger sibling in tow). It makes me smile when other mums grumble that they don't get a minute's peace to themselves or can't take their dc to a new activity because they can only afford one for each child.

Chanchi, Thanks for replying. I definitely do appreciate the two i've got even more. And I guess we will be able to afford to provide additional support in terms of time and money.

Just have to add I've had to impose a news blackout today!