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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to want MIL have any responsibility for my DC's again!

20 replies

LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 20:49

My SIL told me this afternoon that when MIL looked after her DD last week, SIL callled at noon to see how things were going and FIL said DD needed nappy changing but would'nt let nanny do it. SIL said just grab her and do it.

BIL picked up his DD at 5pm and had to change her whole outfit because she was soaked through, jeans, socks, shoes, the lot. MIL had not changed her because DD(2) said 'no'

SIL went mad and called MIL and said you just have to make her, MIL's reply was 'that's easy for you to say'

Sometimes SIL and I wonder if our DH's actually did get bought up by this woman.

It's rarely that we ask MIL to have our DC's as we live miles away. But after what SIL told me I dont think I'll bother again.

Poor DN has now had a horrible ezcma outbreak all down her legs

OP posts:
ENTP · 02/04/2007 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 20:59

DD is just out of nappies at age 3.5, but DS is only 4 mnths.

MIL is a funny one. I once caught her talk to DD so spitefully I nearly threw her out of my house.

She was staying here while I was due with DS. She was sleeping in his room-to-be. Every morning she encouraged DD to go in to her room and jump on the chair bed. One day just before we were going out she went upstairs to change and stood behind the door between it and the wall so no one would see her - bearing in mind DH and I were waiting downstairs almost out the door. DD in a normal 3 yr old manner went barging in and squashed her . Not sure what MIL said to her but DD came down in floods of tears and when MIL came down she spat out the following words to DD "There you can see me now okay, I was getting changed" - 1, why the hell is she worried about a 3yr old seeing her knickers and 2, no adult talks to my DD like that when I am around, and certainly not her own grandmother.

Also DD has recently said to me after a MIL visit. "Nanny's not cross with me now" I ahve no idea where that has come from??

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 02/04/2007 21:47

LFMS, for an eerie moment I thought you actually were my SIL! Ds3 arrived home last week after being looked after by my MIL. When I changed his nappy ( we use cloth nappies btw) there were 2 sheets of kitchen paper in the nappy. Odd, I thought, maybe we ran out of liners? But when I took the kitchen paper out, there were huge pooey skidmarks all over the nappy. Clearly he had poo'd in it, she had thrown the poo out and put the nappy back on, complete with kitchen paper! Dh had picked him up and saw her do it and when he rebuked her she got very mad with him and he assumed I had not given her enough nappies. There were 3 clean ones in the bag! SIL has had similar issues, MIL doesn't get that napppies need to be changed on a regular basis.

greenday · 02/04/2007 21:53

May I just run against the flow here and say - just be grateful that you have MILs to look after your DCs. As long as they are safe, healthy, and not in any real danger, they're fine. Their help has afterall provided you with the freedom and space to do what you needed to do.

EllieKthePA · 02/04/2007 21:56

not really healthy to be left in a soaking nappy tho is it

EllieKthePA · 02/04/2007 21:57

and i don't have the luxury of help with ds but wouldn't want it if it meant my ds was left wet.

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 21:57

My MIL is as bigger child as her DGC. If children wont do as they are asked or told she can't cope and ignores the problem.

She used to look after DN for SIL and was asked put her to bed for an afternoon nap. If DN got out of bed, MIL would take her back one, but if she did it again - she was like 'what's the point' never mind SIL was trying to establish a routine or that they would have a terrible evening with an over tired child.

If it was a one-off fair enough, but MIL was supposed to be caring daily for DN while SIL went back to work.

In the end SIL told her if she could'nt do it then way she had been asked - to support a routine etc, then she would have to make other arrangements - at which MIL got all tearful and played th emotional blackmail card .

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 22:03

Greenday - I agree it is nice to have the luxury of family to look fater children. We dont as IL's live hours away and if we need them it is a long-term plan etc. When my DM was alive it allowed DH and I to do overtime once a week and boost our income. And I would rather still have my DM than any amount of money

Anyway - SIL is expected by ILs to let them have her DC's otherwise she is seen as depriving them of time with their DC's.

However SIL and I have both noticed that when our older DC'S reached a certain age - where they have a mind and a will of thier own IL's, esp MIL lost interest unless DC's did what she wanted. While our youngest are both small and portable she is quite happy to sit with them on her lap and do....not much!

OP posts:
oliveoil · 02/04/2007 22:07

Well sometimes grandparents don't have the will to be as strict as parents are

if a child really doesn't want a nappy changing, how can they force them? I would hold my child down and change them, but not anyone elses.

same with naps, feeding times etc

they are your rules, let grandparents work their own way out

I think it would be very very mean to bar any contact just because of a soggy nappy!

oliveoil · 02/04/2007 22:10

I had a routine for dd1, worked like a dream here

grandma had a completely differnet one, which worked FOR HER and I bit my tongue and let her get on with it

and why is your SIL calling you bitching?

you both seem very mean to your MIL, she can't have done that bad a job if you married her sons now can she???? Eh?

custy · 02/04/2007 22:10

as a grandparent i would make my grandchild have a nappy change

in the very least i would take off pissy and shitty clothes and nappy and let the kid toddle around nekkid

greenday · 02/04/2007 22:11

Yes I understand the frustration. I too cannot bear a manipulative MIL (have heard too many horror stories!) and by the sound of what your SIL is expected to do, she (MIL I mean) sounds like one. Didn't mean to sound like I got on a high-horse, but just wanted to point out that the risk of a dirty nappy is better than the risk of DC being run over on the road, for eg.
According to my DH, my FIL is like your MIL -he tends to lose interest in his grandchildren once they are older. I have yet to experience that personally as my DD isn't old enough. Maybe they don't feel so special as grandparents anymore.

grannyquackersleetlefuffychick · 02/04/2007 22:15

on one post you said mil looked after your dn daily while your sil went to work. then on another post you say she's happy to sit with them while small and do . . . not much.

fgs i'd kill to have a mil who'd look after mine while i was working. as it is i have to run my own business without help at all. perhaps you could try and appreciate her a bit more. and if she really is bad with the lo's then don't leave her in charge.

Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 22:19

There is a ot of history behind why SIL and I talk about MIL. Basically she is a very manipulative woman. she actually tells us different things to try and devide us, while on the face of it complaining we are'nt as close as she would like. I dont know if you have seen any other of my threads, but my MIL continues to astound me and not in a good way.

Yes she gave birth to her sons, but if you ask either of them about their up-bringing they seem to have blocked it all out. They rcall holidays and that's about it, no trips to the park, feeding ducks, fun at bath time etc - all the free and easy sort of stuff you love seeing your kids enjoy.

We know she used to hit them with a stick as she has still got it and showed it a SIL a couple of years back when SIL was carrying DC1 - saying this was how she sorted her boys out. And I know from other family members that out DH's own GP's tried to intervene by having the boys at thier house as much as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFatMilkshake · 02/04/2007 22:21

grannyq - she ooked after DN1 when she was a baby and SIl returned to work first time, since DN2 arrived (DN's close in age) things have changed

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Rachmumoftwo · 02/04/2007 22:30

If you are not happy with how the IL's look after your DC's, why not make other arrangements? I spend a fortune on childcare & would love my IL's to live nearby to help us, and would be grateful.
I bet there would be more complaints if DC said Nanny had forced her to lie down & removed nappy in a firm manner- can't win there really!

chipmonkey · 02/04/2007 23:16

Rach, I spend a fortune on childcare, so much so that if an extra day's childcare is required over and above the 3 days a week I already pay for, it really becomes extortionate. When I cut down my hours in work so that I could spend more time with the DC's, one compromise I agreed with dh was that MIL would look after the on the "extra" day. I was not and am not happy with the arrangement. MIL has a history of being cruel and spiteful and at times, quite frankly, barking. She slapped ds1 on the face once when he was 3, because he left messy fingerprints on her french doors! She left ds3 to his own devices once when she was babysitting, he turned a tap on upstairs, flooded most of the downstairs, to which her response was that he had a "mania" for water.

Rachmumoftwo · 02/04/2007 23:28

If only we lived in a country where childcare really was affordable, accessible and high quality, as we are so often told! I think it is ridiculous that so many of us are held to virtual ransom through the need for a bit of help with the kids while we work or study.

Chandra · 02/04/2007 23:32

I think that although relatives may be considered as cheaper alternatives to professional childminders/nurseries/nannies/aupairs, they should be vetted with the same precision you would do with a professional service, if you like it fine but don't expect that blood links guarantee a good care.

I know for a fact I can't leave DS with my MIL or my mum, MIL doesn't follow instructions which is particularly dangerous considering DS has sever food allergies, and my mum is not used to have children around, she gets tired even minding a sleeping child

Chandra · 02/04/2007 23:34

Ah... and another point, if you are not paying you don't have exactly the same rights to demands and complaints as you do when you do IYWIM.

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