Help with my relationship

[Suzy15]

My DP and I have only been together since last Christmas, but we're already expecting our first child together. It was all rather unexpected and unplanned, but we decided to go ahead with it and I couldn't be more excited about her arrival now. My problem is I'm just not sure how secure our relationship is. Obviously we only knew each other a few months when I got pregnant, but we were in love and it was my partner who convinced me we could do this. Since his promises to look after us both, he hasn't really stepped up to the plate - for example he has made promises to move in to my house (he lives in a shared rented house and I've recently bought my own house) but makes no signs of moving at all. He has actively said he doesn't like my house and doesn't want to live there, and has said that he'll move when the baby is born. I want us to get used to living as a couple before we take on the responsibility of being parents, but he doesn't understand this at all. He spends his weekends (which is the only time we have together as we both work full time) playing rugby or at the pub with his friends, and I probably only see him about once or twice a week which is at my insistence. I'm not sure if I'm appearing needy because I'm six months pregnant, or whether he's just a bit self centred and selfish and I'm justified in thinking we need to spend more time together. Whenever I try to discuss it with him it just ends in an argument and me in tears.

I'm sorry, but he's not interested, is he? He's not interested in you any more (sorry) and he's not interested in the baby. He just wants to be with his mates.

You're far better off not living with him. He will just live the same life in your house and you'll have to pay for everything and he'll be out all the time.

That's what I worry about, that I'll be stuck at home with a newborn and he'll still spend all Sunday at the pub! I'm hoping his priorities will change, but not sure if I'm being naive.

If he really cared for you and baby he would spend at least a majority of his spare time with you, and out of choice not obligation or at "your insistance".
Im really sorry but it sounds like the idea was good but the reality isnt. Its easy to like someone for a few months then as you get to know them better go off them. It seems from what youve written hes decided he wants the single life not a family.

Yes, I'm sorry but it sounds like he has checked out. Well done you for sorting a house. Can you manage the repayments over your maternity - I'd be thinking about money first and foremost here as you may be on your own. Better not to be paying for him if he isn't committed.

If I were you I'd consider myself a single mum to be.

Arrange my finances accordingly. Live alone with baby and get the CSA / Solicitor to organise maintenance payments from Good Time Charlie.

Don't let him move in. It's your house. Not his.

Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.

I promise it will all work out perfectly for you in the long run, this way,

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. He has already checked out and is telling you loud and clear where his priorities lay.
My advice would be for you to start making plans for you and baby without him , in my experience things won't magically change when baby arrives x

Mary's advice is spot on

It sounds like he's not interested anymore. You should try and get your head around your future as a single parent.

Is he in full time employment, or self-employed?

Yup, agree, he's not interested in the responsibility. He might be interested in the baby, if it's the easy-to-care for variety, although no woman in the history of forever has managed to find one of them. If he were interested he'd be chomping at the bit to get your lives sorted.

Get yourself sorted, suggest you then inform him of your plans. Don't take 'no' for an answer because you & the baby are the most important things now, and pretty much forever. Unfortunately, you'll have to file him under 'wholly immature and pretty damned useless'. Best love!

No, he really doesn't seem to be committed to your relationship, sorry. It doesn't look like he will step up to the plate.

Thank you all for your honest (brutally honest!) responses, I know you've all said what I've been thinking but part of me was holding out some hope we could fix things. I never imagined I'd end up a single parent, finances will be extremely tough as I'll only have maternity pay but I've got family around so I can get through if needs be.

Tax credits? At least child tax credit?

He likes the idea of being a dad, but not the reality. Now it's really sunk in, it does sound as if he's lost interest or is at the very least in complete denial about the level of commitment required. You're six months pregnant and you have to badger him to get him to see you even once or twice a week, and he spends weekends drinking with his rugby mates? Then I doubt he's suddenly going to become a chilled-out homebody the day the baby is born.

It actually sounds from your post that you already know, deep down, what the situation is. You aren't being needy. You're being completely reasonable. You deserve better.

I have every confidence that you will be a brilliant mum to a beautiful baby, so best of luck. You can do this without him.

I feel for you OP. At what should be an exciting time, you are left feeling vulnerable and questioning your relationship. You do have to ask yourself - would you still be together if it wasn't for the baby?

I think you have to put the plans for him to move in on hold. A grown man in a house share should be champing at the bit.to move into his pregnant partner's house. Stop mentioning it especially as it is the cause of arguments. As other have suggested, definitely get your head around the date you will be doing this alone. The weekends he is at the pub or playiing rugby, you can spend getting ready for the baby. Seeing friends, family and lining up support. Take a step back and enjoy the last few childfree months. It sounds as if he has checked out and you pushing for the reaction you are not getting is stressing you out.

Good luck Op. Please update us latet

Much easier to avoid him moving in, than to be spending all your time clearing up after him and the baby, whilst he carries on living the single life, and then having to kick him out when you finally have enough.

If he's like this now he's going to be a million times worse when the baby is here it's hard having a baby, the sleep deprivation, the lack of time, the birth, the hormones! You will need support & there is no way that you'll get that with this man!

You need to check what benefits you are entitled to- maternity allowance, tax credits, child maintenance. Put yourself & your baby first & reach out to family for support.