Aibu or is MIL

[Sunshinegirls]

My mil has invited us round for a family dinner on a Sunday evening at 6pm. She lives 16 miles away and we have two children ages 7&9. By the time it's all over it will be 9ish (dinner won't be served till around 7 even though the invite says 6) so by the time we get home it will be 9.30pm, kids won't get to bed till 10. It's a Sunday night, the kids have school the next morning. Aibu to refuse the invite because of this, is she BU to invite us at this time on a Sunday, knowing her grandchildren are so young and have school? I have spoken to her about this before, yet here is another Sunday evening invite. A refusal usually offends and upsets her and causes lots of grief. Would you go to this dinner with your kids? It's not like it's a regular occurrence. I really don't know if I'm being precious. I usually put my 7 year old to bed at 7 on a school night. 9 year old at around 8. I have no problem keeping them up late if they don't have school the next day.

Well we eat Sunday at 7pm but we don't have kids

I would get your DH to say no, every single time, explaining why. It might be useful to get his siblings on side - so they can also point out to your MIL that your kids need to be at home in bed on a school night, in case she tries to make out you are soooo unreasonable to them.

She's got every right to prioritise her own going out time on a Sunday, I don't blame her for that at all. She is not unreasonable in that respect.

She can't, however, expect everyone's schedule to work the same so yanbu to decline the invitation.

i hope you said No x

It's too late, the little ones come first, plus there's school in the morning.

I think that if it's a one off you could bath the children before you go/shower in the morning before school, and take the dcs pyjamas. Coming from somebody who had very little family interaction as a child, I think it would be nice for your dcs to spend some nice time with their family and it's not that late really. They could go to bed a little earlier the next day if they really are that tired. That said I wouldn't suggest doing it every week!

I absolutely agree Tidydancer, she should put herself and her hobbies first, but she unfortunately doesn't like it when we prioritise our schedule. It's not a two way street sadly.

"little ones" - they are 7 and 9...
and kids bedtimes only "matter a great deal" if parents make them so.

What happens if they want to join cadets that end at 9.30 on Mon and Thu? Or swimming club from 7-9 on a Wed? You want them to not do it? to suddenly go from unable to function with a late bedtime to being fine with it? or do you think they would simply adapt? And that would be every week, not just an irregular occurrence.

If you don't want to go to MIL, don't go. Don't need to have a word about bedtimes, just say, "No we are not going". (after discussing with DH/DW of course - or does s/he not see a problem)

7 year old has SN, a whole load of sleep issues and I can't put her to any late after school clubs because the school week is exhausting enough for her. Mil knows this. The 9 year old of course would be fine. I guess it's annoying for me because we have discussed this with her in the past and said Sunday's can be done only if the meal is earlier. DH agrees with me.

While the odd time is fine.... but she's serving up at the 7 yo bed time.... also the first week back to school is particularly tiring so in this case not a good plan...
I know my DS at 7 would have been exhausted as he's up at 6 and needed his 10 hours sleep.. .. at 7 or 9 they are unlikely to have activities that keep them out until then.... if they were 10 and 12 it would be different...

Trouble is, if you agree to go this one time, then you will find it very difficult to decline in future if it is a nightmare as you predict.

I'd say no, sorry, can't stay for dinner but we can come and see you earlier but need to be away by 6pm at the latest.

What happens if they want to join cadets that end at 9.30 on Mon and Thu? Or swimming club from 7-9 on a Wed? You want them to not do it? to suddenly go from unable to function with a late bedtime to being fine with it? or do you think they would simply adapt? And that would be every week, not just an irregular occurrence.

hmm well, you might have a point for the 9 year old. Even though in my experience they are mostly 10 + before the ending time is as late as 9:30. But for the 7 year old, there aren't many clubs whihc finish so late. Eg brownies and cubs finish at 8, scouts and guides finish at 9/9:30, and they are from 10 or 11.

I would find it very frustrating that she disregards the 7 year olds needs so much. You later post about SEN makes it worse - she knows that your 7 yo can't do this late and she still schedules it.

I am happy for mine to have a late evening for a special occasion, but this isn't is it? It is just her wanting Sunday dinner at her time.

I agree with you op, it's too late. Mine would fall asleep in car and then be completely unable to get to sleep at home. Some kids are able to do these things and some aren't.

And no, I would let a 7 year old join cadets under any circumstances that ended at 9pm twice a week. That's far too much and too late.

"No we can't come, the children have school the next day so they are in bed by 8.00. Thank you for inviting us, though."

Take the invitation time at face value, don't try to negotiate doing this but at a different time. She's decided how she wants it to be, you are perfectly within your rights to say that it doesn't work for you.

What TheDevilMadeMeDoIt said

What happens if they want to join cadets that end at 9.30 on Mon and Thu? Or swimming club from 7-9 on a Wed?

The child in question is 7 years old. Not many clubs/activities aimed at 7 year olds end at 9.30pm, so let's be realistic. I don't think the OP is actually saying that her child is going to go to bed at 7pm for the rest of her life, you know! She's already said that the late bedtime would actually be OK for her 9-year-old. It's that she feels a 10pm bedtime on a school night is too much for her 7-year-old on a school night. Which is fair enough, really.

Yanbu especially given your 7 year olds SEN (but even without yanbu)

She's NBU to schedule her invites around herself but SIBU to expect everyone else to work around her schedule as well. She puts herself first, fine. But you and DH need to put yourselves and your DC first too. And where SIBU is when she objects to that.

YANBU. Sounds like she is doing it to be awkward tbh. I wouldn't go and I have children of similar ages. Far too late on a school night. She has other options, her choice not to use them so she cannot complain that you aren't there.