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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to ask dh to not email friend he had feelings for?

20 replies

Insecure86 · 03/09/2017 13:35

Fully expecting to be told I'm being a controlling nut but...

A couple of years ago dh told me a coworker he was good friends with told him she had feelings for him and he felt the same way. He was really messed up by it and apparently still loved me but didn't know what to do. I was obviously devastated and said I'd prefer if he keep away as much as possible (they worked closely in the same team, but I wanted him to avoid the one on one lunches etc.). This apparently was a problem, and he basically refused saying if he did that it would make this person 'forbidden fruit'. He also brought up the fact I was always uncomfortable with him female friends (tbf this is true) and he's had enough of it.

We fought and fought, then one day he says the feelings were gone. He thinks they came up due to us being stuck in a rut and he wants to travel and move abroad (something we'd talked about but I was hesitant). I agreed, got a job in Europe and we moved 18 months ago. I also stopped acting insecurely when he mentioned female friends and I'm in counselling.

But he's still in contact with her and they email every so often. He is barely in contact with anyone else and always says he's not very good at keeping in touch with friends which makes it worse in my eyes that she's 'special' if you see what I mean. I know that it's only emails and he's no longer around her but I'm hurt that he didn't stay away from her then, and he still doesn't now. I think this shows lack of respect to us and our marriage, he thinks I'm being unreasonable and controlling. Who's right?

OP posts:
Winosaurus · 03/09/2017 13:38

That is not on at all. YADNBU!
I would be devastated if my DP did this Sad
What do they have to discuss? Why is he keeping contact when a) he admitted he had feelings for her before so he knows he's playing with fire b) he knows how much it's hurting you.
It's not on at all

Winosaurus · 03/09/2017 13:39

And to make it clear you are being neither unreasonable or controlling... he is.
Flowers

Insecure86 · 03/09/2017 13:41

Wino thanks for your lovely reply, you won't believe how nervous I was posting.

I just worry because I have been a bit of a jealous partner in the past, and whether he's right to stand up to me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 13:43

YANBU

would he be fine if the tables were turned?

Winosaurus · 03/09/2017 13:44

Well it's good you've recognised that in yourself. But in this particular incidence I doubt there are many women who wouldn't feel jealous!
Speak to your DH and ask him honestly if the situation was reversed how would he feel if you were emailing a man you'd previously admitted having feelings for?
Big hugs xx

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 13:46

unfuckingbelievable Op your husband is being unfaithful in the worst way... he is betraying you with every sentence in those emails ... have you seen the emails ? and he puts you down by claiming you're controlling.. NO he's is being unfaithful... what a pig he is... you sounds absolutely lovely ... this is appalling OP... Flowers

get RID x

Insecure86 · 03/09/2017 13:46

Sandy he says he'd never ask me to stop talking to someone. He was a bit funny about me being friends with one of my exes when we started going out so I backed away from him, but it's true dh has never asked that of me

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 03/09/2017 13:47

He had feelings for another woman and you ended up working on YOUR issues?

The only issue you have is him op. How dare he make you feel like this? Of course he shouldn't be in touch with this woman.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 13:47

You shouldn't tell your DH what he can or can't do, and someone being jealous of every male (or female in this case) around me would drive me insane.

He should show you respect and stop all contact with that woman.

You are both to blame, but you are acting on your problems, well done. He should recognise that and behave better!

FallingOrbit · 03/09/2017 13:47

He wants to play with fire and then do all the complaining when he gets burned...

YANBU

It's definitely not cricket. He knows it pisses you off and he knows why it does. Start emailing me, I'm the biggest perv you'll ever meet and I guarantee he wont like it!!!

*Just kidding about the perv bit. Well sort of. :)

Winosaurus · 03/09/2017 13:48

But it's not "a friend" is it? It's a woman he's had an emotional affair with. That's the long and short of it.
It's not like you're asking him not to talk to your neighbour or something... he is continuing an EA with this woman. It's completely out of order

Boatmistress17 · 03/09/2017 13:49

Surely the basis of marriage is you are prepared to put the other person's feelings before your own? He is prepared to let you feel like shit while he goes off for an ego stroking - be it by email or in person. .

Insecure86 · 03/09/2017 13:49

Oh shit now I'm worried I've painted him all wrong. Thanks so much for the support guys I do still feel like I'm being a bit unreasonable. Was not expecting such a strong response in my favour!

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 03/09/2017 13:52

You are not a controlling nut. He is seriously disrepecting you.

I would tell him to leave and hook up with his 'special friend' because that behaviour is not happening under your roof. Tell him you are seeking legal advice on where you and the children would stand in the event of a split.

You might just see him adopt a different stance. He really is taking the piss big time.

ChickenBhuna · 03/09/2017 13:53

Insecure - the man that is meant to have picked you , and only you , declared that he had feelings for another woman. It's not okay that he is still in touch with her.

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 13:53

OP his behaviour is not appropriate... in fact quite the opposite... he is still emotionally involved with this other woman... he is disgusting x

Laiste · 03/09/2017 13:59

a coworker he was good friends with told him she had feelings for him and he felt the same way.

He also brought up the fact I was always uncomfortable with him female friends (tbf this is true) and he's had enough of it.

Seems your first statement gives you damn good reason to be uncomfortable with him having female friends!

It's hard to answer your specific question about the emails because personally the MOMENT i though DH was thinking of emailing a woman i'd forgiven him for having an emotional affair with in the past - his bags would hit the pavement. If that's any help?

Flowers He's a shit.

Laiste · 03/09/2017 14:01

And when i say 'bags' that can mean balls or luggage - either way!

Angry for you Angry

sharklovers · 03/09/2017 14:06

Do you know it was just an EA? My bet is he was smashing her in and taking you for a mug!

orangewasp · 03/09/2017 14:13

He sounds very manipulative, he was in the wrong yet you've ended up being the one doing all the work and making all the concessions.
Wake up OP!

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