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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having partner to stay overnight in shared flat

14 replies

tricolouredcockerspaneil · 03/09/2017 13:23

How much do you think is reasonable?

Moving in with my good (male) friend next week. Over the last couple of weeks he's been talking more and more about this girl he's seeing. It's adorable how into her he is, and I'm really happy for him

BUT he mentioned the other day (when we were chatting about where she lives) she rents a room in a family house and isn't allowed overnight guests. Right now they're spending a lot of time together so I think she'll end up staying round ours a lot

Slightly irritated by this (I know I am being vvvv U as nothing as happened yet) as I don't want to end practically living with another person I don't know and also was looking forward to hanging out with my friend at home. The flat is also tiny (one shower/toilet, one combined kitchen/living room) so really isn't a huge amount of space/facilities for a third person

How often do you think it's ok have a partner stay over? At what point do you think it would be reasonable for me to talk to him about it? Obviously I want to get on with her so don't want to unnecessarily be mean!

OP posts:

LespritDescalier · 03/09/2017 13:24

Make a rule now or else it will get messy. I'd say max 3 nights a week, any more than that and she pretty much lives there, and that's a no.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 03/09/2017 13:28

Think carefully, whatever rules you set now will be the rules if/when you meet someone (or if you have someone already) too.

Personally I would say maybe 1 or 2 nights per week and do a weekly rota for visitors coming over to spend time so everyone knows what's happening and can agree beforehand.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/09/2017 13:28

2 maybe 3 nights a week. Any more & she's moving in without paying a share of the bills.
Have the conversation now and be very clear because you'll resent if she's there 6/7 nights a week in 6 months time.

Follow up with a text/whatsapp message so you've something to refer back to if he ignores your agreement.

SilverySurfer · 03/09/2017 13:30

Unless you are happy/prepared for his GF staying more and more in your home, I wouldn't move in with him. I've experienced this and lost a good friend because her BF virtually moved in and didn't contribute anything.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 13:31

I would be rather peeved if you came to me with rules about how often my OH could stay over TBH.

I would see how it goes and if it got more than I was happy with, I'd let him know I'll be moving out, as it isn't quite working for you. Check the notice period on the lease.
I hate confrontation.

FuckupArtist · 03/09/2017 13:32

Why not start a conversation "What do you think about partners staying over? How do you want to manage it so it's fair in terms of paying utilities etc?' And see how it goes.

bbcessex · 03/09/2017 13:32

It is tricky.

Are you both renting a new place together or are you moving in to your friend's existing place?

To be honest.. if he's about to get in to a serious relationship that will change your living experience

McTufty · 03/09/2017 13:33

Have a conversation about expectations before you move in. I would say 3-4 is fair. It's isn't fair for you to basically share with a third person who doesn't pay but equally it is his home and he will want his girlfriend round. This one is always tricky.

ferrier · 03/09/2017 13:35

Is there anything in the lease?

VimFuego101 · 03/09/2017 13:36

Is it his flat which you'll be a lodger in, or will you be joint tenants?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 03/09/2017 13:38

When I lived in shared houses when I was younger, guests at weekends were generally tolerated by housemates but if they start staying over on normal working days (except for very occasional 'one off' type scenarios) then that is when you need to have a discussion about what is reasonable

Original poster

tricolouredcockerspaneil · 03/09/2017 13:43

Thanks for all the quick replies!

we are joint tenants in a new place rather than one of us being a lodger
I am not seeing anyone currently, although tbh all the past people I've dated we have split nights at each others around 50:50, so I can't see myself wanting anyone to stay more than 1 or 2 nights a week
definitely agreed about weeknights vs weekends, it's so much more irritating when you're trying to get out quickly to work in the morning!

It's tricky, I don't want to dictate to him what he can and can't do as we're friends and i would be a bit annoyed if it was the other way round. I should add, he is mature and considerate, so he is hopefully already be aware of this! I should have said something at the time but I think I'll bring it up in a non-confrontational way when I see him

OP posts:

Elphame · 03/09/2017 13:45

You need to have a frank discussion about it before you move in. Realistically she will be staying over a lot and chances are she'll be permanently resident within a few months if things work out between them.

If you are not OK with this then maybe you should rethink your plans.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 03/09/2017 14:00

As I recall, the most contentious issues in shared houses/flat tend to be:

Access to the bathroom on a morning before work (we've probably all shared with someone who spends an hour in the shower and know how annoying it is!)

Shares items (milk, loo roll etc)

Cleaning of the kitchen & bathroom (or lack of!)

Before moving in it is hard to know what the problems might be so probably not worth worrying too much about the new GF staying over until it actually becomes a problem but if you are totally against the idea of your housemate ever having a GF staying over then shared living probably isn't for you!

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