. . . for being upset about this stag do video?

[TryingNotToBeUpset]

NC because I'll be mortified if I'm over-reacting.

DP was on his stag do last night. All fine, they had fun, bit hungover today etc. Just now we were sitting on the sofa chatting and his friend sent him a video recording that he started playing then stopped abruptly. I asked him why he stopped playing it and he went all shifty and said he didn't think he wanted me to see it. I made him play it (after a battle) and basically it's him talking to his friend about women - how there are two types, the ones with whom you can have "a lot of f*cking fun" vs. the ones who will stick around and support you etc. They were discussing the merits of a young, attractive girl.

It has really, really hit me where it hurts. I was just at the point of getting over some insecurities about how I look compared to his previous girlfriends, and the super-romantic things he did for them etc. I already had a feeling that he felt he was "settling" for me - he doesn't seem to fancy me very much; when I've spoken to him about it he's just said maybe he has a lower sex drive, which I'd accepted. But now I'm thinking that I fall into the second category of girl - I earn more than him so I'm wondering if I'm the support-function he referred to.

I feel really scared, both about the side of his personality that I haven't seen before as well as how he sees me - I was hoping he'd see me as fun and sexy, not the reliable one he'd settle for. It makes me feel boring and unattractive. I'm really worried and upset right now. I went upstairs because he was really angry at my hurt/confused reaction and insists he's done nothing wrong.

Do I brush it off and make up with him? Am I overreacting?

I would be very hurt if I heard DP speaking about women that way. Can you talk to him and explain why you feel so hurt?

I think you're overreacting. Being reliable doesn't mean you're not sexy and attractive.

Well I would say without the context it's typical bullshit stag behaviour however yuk.

With the context id say you have bigger problems, do you have DC? If you aren't married and have none I personally would get out now, you should feel loved and secure and you don't.

Don't marry someone who doesn't think you're fucking fantastic.

It's not actually any more complicated than that.

The video isn't really the issue; all its done is crystallise something you were already feeling.

I would also be very upset to hear him talking like that, especially when you've worried about it before.

Is it a case of him talking a load of drunken rubbish to friends or do you believe it is how he actually feels? You might not get a lot of patience or sense out of him today if he is feeling extremely hungover. He might have just meant that there's women who are just looking for a crazy fun time, and then there's that are worth settling for as things are good and stable, but just have put it really badly.

Snog, Marry, avoid?

He would marry you.

The best one of the bunch

I would say men say a lot of stuff in front of mates that they don't actually mean; just to look like a 'big man,' to 'fit in,' and say what their mates want to hear.

He probably doesn't mean it.

I also think it sounds like he's showing off.

Adrenaline on his stag night etc

I'd be very upset too, OP, actually I'd be devastated to hear my DH say that.

How much of it was macho bragging talk and the truth though?

All I will say is don't marry anyone who doesn't make you feel like you're the best thing in the universe. You already have doubts about what he thinks of you as well, that's not a good sign.

Don't marry the misogynist

I'd be more concerned about him getting angry with you being upset than I would about the original comments (though they wouldn't impress me either).
Getting angry with you is not a constructive or respectful thing to do. Plus something about your relationship dynamic makes you feel insecure and inadequate. I'd be very seriously considering whether this is the man you want to trust your emotions and your heart to.

Do not go through with this OP. Marry someone who loves you dearly and thinks you're the best catch, maybe he even thinks you're a bit too good for him! Someone who deserves you.

This is why what's said on tour should stay on tour. He was speaking, presumably, with a drink or two in him and saying what the lads wanted to hear.

YOU are the person he has chosen to be with, because he loves YOU! Stop comparing yourself to his ex's, they are ex's for a good reason. You are not second best, you are best!

YANBU to find this hurtful, but rationally speaking it was probably just stag night bravado. I think it's fairly normal (among women as well as men) to see a young attractive person and think 'he / she is sexy but prob not a keeper'. Try to put it behind you OP.

I saw this conversation on Love Island. Apparently some men think of women as either fun to fuck or the kind you marry. I think it's vile. And misogynistic.

OP, he'll tell you it's just banter. But how he speaks of you in private is important.

^^ RadiantAeryn

In a nutshell

"Just banter" is a horrible excuse. It's never "just banter", it's insulting, dismissive, sexist and a whole load of other unpleasantness too. Decent people refuse to talk like that.

Even if some men brag to their friends and don't really mean it, do you actually want to be married to someone who is so insecure that he can't be himself? It's not a very attractive trait.

I agree with "user", it's macho bravado for the benefit of the audience. I suppose you have to consider whether there are occasions you would be similarly uncomfortable if he had overheard you, on a raucous hen night, with drink taken, making lecherous remarks about another guy's arse for instance? Secondly and more vitally, are there ways day to day which make you think this is his genuine opinion and he has such a low value of you? The sex thing would be

Whoops! A bit of a red flag for me, but on the whole does he compliment you, act like he struck gold in finding you, marvel at your existence? He should !

Sorry but he is a scumbag. Men who think they're are different categories of women (mother/virgin/whore) are all kinds of fucked up and you need to run for the hills.

OP it sounds like a load of male bravado on a stag do....very weird that someone filmed the conversation and sent it to him though
A few girlfriends and I were having a really similar discussion yesterday though after a few glasses of wine, reminiscing over some of the "bad boys" we had great fun dating in our younger years, the laughs and the amazing sex, but how glad we were that our now DPs and children's father's were good solid blokes who we have a deeper connection with. I think that this has touched a nerve with you for reasons you mention above, but that my be you need to give your DP a break.

No way would i marry this person, even if the wedding was tomorrow. His reaction to you in getting angry speaks volumes. He doesn't seem to fancy you and you're not even married yet? What's he going to be like in 20 years? You don't have to accept this just because " this happens on stag dos". Only if the stag do involves disrespectful immature arseholes.

OP what kind of things does he say or do to make you feel he has "settled for you"