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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Retracting police statement

49 replies

depressedanddown · 03/09/2017 11:44

posting here for traffic
Can I do either ? I am in Scotland and I made as statement regarding an incident with my ex partner on Tuesday. at the time I was scared (not of him just anxiety) I hadn't slept more than an hour in 2 days. we had a very very minor altercation and to be honest I don't even remember what I told the officers that attended. the officers said it didn't sound like a great relationship which I think scewed what I said to them. i was worried about his mental health and still am but I was never in any fear from him and now I'm out from under the depression cloud I can see that . is it too late to change my statement? how would I go about it ? tia

OP posts:
viques · 03/09/2017 13:41

He abandoned you and your vulnerable children in a car.
He knows your mental health is not good.
he ignored your pleas for support after a miscarriage.
He is having an affair.
he has made threats in the the past.
He has been violent in the past.

By all means retract your statement if you said things in it that were untrue , that is the right thing to do.

But please think about the stuff that he HAS done and try to work out why you would want to stay with such an uncaring, potentially violent man who doesn't give a rats arse about you or your children .

depressedanddown · 03/09/2017 13:42

just to add that around 2 months ago the week after he walked out he tried to push me down the stairs , he pushed me against a door, and flung me to the ground because I wanted to discuss the baby with him . He had his face against my face threatening to kill me and telling me how much he hated me .
I wish i had reported that time . i feel like a fraud he deserves punished but not for something he technically didn't do. i think I will try get some legal advice before I decide what to do. he hasn't spoke to police yet so hasn't been charged or anything .
my main issue is my eldest has been asked what happened in the car and she said we had argument but nothing else . she's right I dont want too lie just to hurt him.

OP posts:
depressedanddown · 03/09/2017 13:47

we will never be together again he has done far too much damage .
He wasn't always like this he was a decent guy and a devoted father which is why this gas all hit me so hard.
He has blamed a mental breakdown for his behaviour but the behaviour is only with me he is fine with everyone else his friends have told me he has been driving around with her living it up while his kids have had nothing , he left us without a penny , I had to use a foodbank to feed the kids and benefits still aren't sorted out.
when he left I spent 3 weeks begging him to see the kids but he missed first day at nursery and daughter's birthday. he then decided he wanted to see them after all though i later found out only because his new partner was away on holiday 😑.
he has told everyone I'm just a jealous bitter ex and I have stopped him seeing the kids etc.

OP posts:
Walkingdead11 · 03/09/2017 13:49

He is an abusing arsehole and you need to contact womens aid. It doesn't matter about this last incident, you are in an abusive relationship and you need help to get out of it. You need to do the freedom program and get help for your kids who have potentially been exposed to domestic violence, which can have catastrophic long term consequences.

Lelloteddy · 03/09/2017 13:54

You need to speak to the police about your statement. But I would speak urgently to Women's Aid and ask for someone to accompany you to the station. You can't knowingly proceed with a statement that is untrue because that will potentially impact on you, by the there is a history of violence and abusive behaviour and it needs to be addressed.

depressedanddown · 03/09/2017 14:18

Will I have to go to the station to change /retract the statement ? I have no childcare so logistically that will be a nightmare. I'm scared to call them 😔

OP posts:
depressedanddown · 03/09/2017 16:14

who should I call ?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 22:14

scotland.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/advice_topics/families_and_households/domestic_abuse/taking_legal_action/criminal_proceedings

Please read this OP... the CPS can proceed without your statement.. and if you have lied or been untruthful..you are vulnerable to prosecution.

I'm sorry but please consider your safety and the safety of your children x

serene12 · 03/09/2017 22:31

In Scotland the Police have to notify the Children's Reporter, if children have a close connection with somebody where there is an allegation of domestic abuse. The Children's Reporter will then ask Social Services to undertake an assessment and produce a report, and then the Reporter will decide how to proceed, in the best interests of the children. Social Services will work with families, to ensure that the children's welfare is being safeguarded.
I do hope that you decide not to retract your statement and work with agencies, to improve your children's lives and your mental health will improve.

Bunnyfuller · 04/09/2017 00:52

I work for the police and this is popping up loads of red flags to me OP. The relationship sounds emotionally abusive and your children are witnessing this. Statements of DA are often retracted after they were made. It goes with the territory. Take the support and lifeline this can offer you, and put those kids first.

Mawalls · 04/09/2017 04:43

Bunnyfuller

Are you seriously suggesting that she stands by a false statement alleging he threatened to kill her when he actually threatened suicide?

WellThisIsShit · 04/09/2017 06:24

I would see what the next steps are going to be, and if the police are going to move forwards in any way, then I think you need to sort it out a bit.

However, going in there saying you lied and made it all up will not be a good move. Firstly, they won't believe you as they'll assume you've been coerced into retracting your statements. This happens a lot on domestic abuse situations so you'd have to really work hard for them to believe you. Secondly, if you do manage to get them to believe what you first wrote here, that you lied to get him back, you'll make yourself sound terrible and you'll be digging yourself a hole as if you are known to make malicious accusations for the purposes of revenge on an ex, well, what happens if you do then need to report something? Not ideal if you're in a dangerous situation and need police help immediately, if the police don't believe you is it?!

What you've written in your later posts makes the situation much clearer. You've been treated very badly and so have the children. He has been violent and abusive before, and sounds unpredictable and threatening.

I think you need to say that you got confused due to not sleeping and the stress of it all, and that you were on your way to a docs appointment to help for help for your mental health. Confused is the right word here. Confused about what happened when, and projecting previous events onto now. Not lying, not revenge, not you saying you fabricate accusations to get back at the ex. As that doesn't even sound like that's the whole story anyway, but sometimes people end up making themselves sound bad when they are the ones that need help, when they are actually being abused themselves. Tell them the fear was speaking and that you were afraid but now you've slept, and eaten, and are away from the threatening situation, you can see that you reacted really strongly due to this man's previous attacks on you, but that maybe it wasn't as bad as you perceived it to be right then and there.

Don't tell them that he's lovely and wonderful, or even that he's never hurt you or been bad to you, even speaking out of your guilt or trying to get them to believe that you need to change your statement. If they believe you, then the police will have the situation completely on its head, with you as the aggressor and he as the innocent victim. And to be honest, I think you might need the police to help you in the future, as this man doesn't sound nice at all.

Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. But please take steps to get help and to look after you and your children. You're going through it right now and need support, but it will get better in the end.

Voiceforreason · 04/09/2017 06:50

I can't believe some of the responses here to op. How could it ever be right to encourage someone to go against their desire to be truthful? Op I think you should contact the police. I am sure you will be in no trouble. They are well aware that in the heat of an incident people get confused about what was said etc. They will of course want to be sure that you are not being pressured or coerced into changing your statement. I don't know how old your children are but I can see by your post you are a decent honest person who wants to do the right thing. Lies do not sit well with you and that is to your credit. Do what is right for your peace of mind op. Good luck.

newdaylight · 04/09/2017 07:00

Easiest thing to do op is probably call police on 101, quote your incident number and ask the investigating officer to call you back. Explain situation and they'll be able to tell you what needs to happen to amend your statement. You could mention the things that have happened in the past.

I assume you know that for the kids sake and your own you need to make sure you don't see this abusive tw@t again

Sukitakeitoff · 04/09/2017 07:16

I agree with newdaylight - phone 101 and get someone to call you back. Explain exactly what you've told us here.

Be truthful. But don't withdraw your whole statement - just the inaccurate parts.

namechangedforthisreply · 04/09/2017 07:19

Good advice from Thisis

depressedanddown · 04/09/2017 07:42

this whole mess is horrendous . They will think I'm terrible . Can I ask to go over my statement again ? then I can see what i actually said I genuinly don't remember much about that morning except crying a lot . I was scared which they no doubt seen but I was scared (of everything) before he even arrived that day hence the drs trip .
He should be punished but not for something that didn't happen.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 04/09/2017 08:03

I think you need to seek some support, do you have a women's centre/support worker near where you are?

You sound so confused and I am worried that you are now thinking you lied in the statement when actually you may not have done. You say you can't remember much about what happened, so how can you be sure you weren't telling the truth? Would you normally lie to the Police?

It sounds like you are better off without him, whatever happens. You don't deserve to be treated like this and your children deserve not to be subjected to witnessing his abuse.

Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 13:47

what is the Truth OP.. have you actually LIED to the Police ?

TooManyBigFatLies · 04/09/2017 14:04

I think you have to contact the police and say what you have said here. If they are questioning your daughter then it would be wrong to continue with the lie. You can explain why you did it. It doesn't make it ok to lie about something so serious but it does go a long way to explaining why you did it. Once you are being 100% truthful I bet you will feel better.

I don't know what the police will say but I really hope that they will be sympathetic and grateful that you have told the truth.
The other thing to think about is that they may already be doubting your story. Police officers are not mind readers but I wouldn't be suprised if they could see through you flakiness.

The fact that your ex is such a nasty piece of work is awful and I don't think anyone would have any sympathy towards him but just because he doesn't deserve any sympathy doesn't mean he should be punished for something he didn't do.

Be strong OP and do the right thing. Thanks,

depressedanddown · 04/09/2017 14:12

Gemini69 i dont really remember what I said but I'm pretty sure I said he said he would kill me if I phoned the police and he didn't he said he would kill himself if I phoned them.
I knew as I said it , it was false bit I think I was projecting from the incident weeks before when he threatened me repeatedly. 😔 I was really scared when I spoke to them but I have been anxious for weeks I'm finally feeling more "normal"and can see that I have basically user that incident as payback for others. which I know isn't right.

OP posts:
depressedanddown · 04/09/2017 14:14

i phoned the officer dealing with it this morning and waiting on a call back . I was told it might be too late to amend it but I just need to tell the truth , I want back to normal mentally and this guilt isn't helping .

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/09/2017 14:22

You won't be able to amend the original statement but will be able to give an additional statement. And in Scotland you are unable to redact a statement.

You need to be completely honest, don't flower it up. Just tell them what you have said here.

Sukitakeitoff · 04/09/2017 16:48

You've done the right thing in calling them. Be honest but don't minimise or excuse what he did either. Good luck - you can do this Flowers

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