To feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed?

[Lightsoutandawaywego]

38 weeks pregnant and had a really rough pregnancy (HG up until about 21 weeks and then lots of other niggly problems so haven't felt well for whole pregnancy). Been on maternity leave since beginning of August, and was really looking forward to a bit of rest and relaxation before DD arrives (first child). It was going to be my time to have a sort out in the house, spend some time with friends, watch a few things on Netflix I've been saving, etc. It hasn't worked out that way because MIL (who DH and I were really close to) passed away a week after my mat leave started and it changed everything.

Obviously my DH has needed support as he is devastated, and FIL hasn't been coping well either, so I've been looking after both of them (cooking dinner for them both every night, taking over the funeral planning for them, completing paperwork relating to MILs estate, etc) and I feel completely run down and worn out. I know they both appreciate my efforts, particularly as I'm heavily pregnant, because neither of them could handle any of the stuff I've been doing for them themselves. So on one hand I don't mind doing it because I know they value everything I'm doing, but at the same time I feel super emotional and tired because I'm having no time to myself at all, and no quality time with DH. Plus I'm also grieving for MIL as she was such a big part of our lives and I miss her terribly.

I feel like I'm being completely selfish for feeling upset that I've lost this time that I was so looking forward to. Im having DD via ELCS next week, and tomorrow we're expected to entertain a few family members at our house prior to the funeral on Monday (which I agreed to because I know how important it is to DH to see his family right now, plus we are the only ones with a house large enough to accommodate people, so a location change for the meet up is out of the question), but I'm laying here awake feeling really upset about it cos I just want some time with DH on my own before baby arrives. AIBU to feel like this? DH is going through so much atm so my feelings about not having time to myself seem inconsequential, but I can't help but feel robbed of time that I'm never going to get back. As of next week, I will be a parent for the rest of my life, and I hate the fact that my final weeks before having DD have been spent under so much stress and misery.

I know there's not any answer to this. I just feel so guilty that I'm upset and depressed that things haven't turned out like I wanted them to.

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty about the way you feel. You are not being unreasonable in any way because you are not letting these feelings prevent you from being supportive on a practical and emotional level. Your hormones must be all over the place and you are feeling overwhelmed with grief on top of it all.
One thing I picked up in your post was the your DH couldn't handle ANY of the stuff you've been doing? If you were not around who would do it then? As much as he is grieving he is an adult and has a baby on the way so surely there is something he could do however difficult it may be? Obviously I don't know the specifics but sometimes in life we have to manage in the most difficult of circumstances, particularly when you become a parent. Whereas you seem to be doing what you can your DH sounds like he is leaning too heavily on you. Could you talk to him about this? Of course its difficult to tell from your post.
What day is your C sec? Could you grab a few uniterrupted days after the funeral and before the day your baby arrives? A date night or two if possible may make you feel better.
Also, although a new baby requires night feeds, generally speaking the first 2 or 3 weeks of their lives they sleep a lot during the day, several times so you can ask that you have a quiet house, just the three of you, for those first few weeks to bond. Insist on no visitors and get your DH on board. He may well feel the same once the funeral is out the way.

You don't need to feel guilty. It's natural to feel upset and of course I'm sure you don't feel able to discuss it with your DH.

I understand how you feel a little bit.

My DH was quite badly injured when I was pregnant and it changed all our plans because he was recuperating.

It wasn't his fault, it was an accident but it meant that everything was harder than it might otherwise have been both physically and emotionally.

The one thing I regret is not asking for more help.

Ok so you have the only house big enough. That doesn't mean you have to do the prep or the catering. Certainly not the cleaning up afterwards.

Call in someone useful from the family or ask friends to pitch in (they will if you ask, people are usually pleased to be able to help). Your own family maybe?

The funeral is going to be difficult I'm sure but make sure you get some rest the next few days.

Don't be brave about it.
Don't put a brave face on how tired you are for the wider family.

And you need to speak to your DH, of course he's devastated about his Mum, but you need his care and attention too.

It sounds like you've been a tower of strength to your DH and FIL. But you need someone to lean in before you fall down, he might need a gentle reminder about that.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your MIL would be so proud of you and grateful I'm sure but her number one priority would be that you and the baby are ok.

You don't have to do everything alone.

Thanks for your reply streetface. FIL is in a really bad way and has no other family he can lean on, so DH is supporting him whilst also dealing with his own grief, which is very overwhelming for him as his mum was so important to him (he had contact with her daily to make sure she was ok - she was elderly - and I can see he's struggling to cope without her). Neither of them are good at talking on the phone or organising anything (I.e. Funeral) so I was happy to take on that role as it made me feel initially that I was useful to them both and I felt that I was doing the right thing in supporting them as best as I can. Both of them say frequently that they would be lost without me and wouldn't have coped with everything in the last few weeks.

DH is doing all he can to take pressure off me but he has a demanding job and I worry about his stress levels too. I just need to get through the next couple of days as when the funeral is over I will have 3 days to prepare for baby, but 3 days isn't a lot of time when I've still got so much left to do in the house and I'm still feeling so unwell. I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself lately but feel guilty for feeling this way.

Take those 3 days to relax - what really needs done in the house? Babies just need somewhere safe to sleep really.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's a difficult time for sure. My MIL died recently and my DH fell to pieces. I organised the house clear out. But I'm not pregnant. Once the funeral is over and the baby is here then I'm sure you'll see things differently. Good luck

Thank you BenLui. I do have family and friends that have offered support and help, but I'm not very good at accepting it! I'm very independent and don't like to rely on anyone but maybe now is the time that I need to learn to accept help. DH has spent this evening cleaning as he can see I'm stressed, but I know he's not sleeping either because he looks absolutely shattered so I feel guilty. I just hate this period of time that was meant to be me and DH excitedly preparing for our first baby.

As Haud said take 3 days to put your feet up. Things don't need to be 'perfect'

Don't feel guilty and there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed and at as loss. Your family has been dealt an enormous blow and it will take time to recover. Sometimes the best laid plans don't work out the way we envisioned, but that doesn't mean you won't get through it. You will, I promise. My advice is to talk to your husband about his grief and yours, and to also talk about the wonderful baby who will be joining your lives. My grandmother always used to say "And this too shall pass", and it will. I'm am so very sorry for all that you're dealing with.

Sorry for your loss. What a difficult time for you and your DH.

Do not feel guilty at all. You can't help your feelings and they're perfectly understandable.

I would say that you need to get other people to help. You shouldn't be doing the cooking for everyone. Wjen my mum died family came up before the funeral but they brought sandwiches for lunch and we went to a local pub for dinner. No entertaining at all. Can your own family help?

Also, I think everyone feels similarly when having an ELCS. I had one 3 weeks ago and during the run up I kept thinking, 'must make the most of these days' but ended up doing things I'd rather not have been doing. Totally different from your circumstances obviously but think there is more pressure to 'enjoy' these days of mat leave when you know exactly when the baby is coming.

You are being very brave, you're grieving too so be kind to yourself. Do not beat yourself up about your feelings; all perfectly normal.

I'm rubbish at accepting help. It's my biggest flaw.

Take it. You need to stay well for your baby.

You need a few days to rest before the baby comes, there won't be rest afterwards as I'm sure you know.

Ask your family, ask your friends. Take what is offered. You don't have to do everything on your own.

One thing. The baby coming will help your FIL and DH, it will bring them out of themselves. New babies are wonderful.

If you have felt unwell all through pregnancy ye will be relieved at how much better you will feel after birth. I know you have section to recover from but that underlying, constant feeling of nausea and extreme tiredness will go. Its so important you not take on too much. It is unfortunate timing but minding yourself is vital. Try to accept that this is how the days will be spent as resenting the loss of them is making things worse. And l agree that dh can do plenty of stuff around the funeral. Its how everyone manages in those situations. Rest as much as possible. Everything will be fine. Just take each day as it comes, not looking too far ahead. Mind yourself.

Thank you for replies everyone. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not being selfish by feeling this way. I need to realise that if things aren't perfect by the time DD arrives it's not the end of the world. It just all feels so out of control right now.

Everything feels out of control because you’ve had something huge and unexpected happened to you. We had a close family member pass away this year and I struggled for months feeling like I needed to get organised but what that feeling really stemmed from was me trying to regain control of my life after a shocking death.

I’m so sad to read what a tough time you’ve been having. Definitely ask others for help and even try to have some counselling sessions as it sounds like MIL passing has affected you a lot too.

Good luck with everything ❤️

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. It IS overwhelming. Thank goodness your DH and FIL are so grateful and sweet to you, and they understand how much you're doing for them! Though I imagine if they were oblivious and ungrateful, that would make it easier to allow yourself to feel disappointed and frustrated over that lost time! Their being appreciative probably makes you want to help even more, doesn't it?

You're a wonderful wife and DIL, and you are clearly loved and appreciated, so you've got that, and they will reciprocate as much they are able when you need them.

As PP have said, baby really only needs a safe place to sleep, some nappies, and possibly bottles if you aren't bf, for quite some time. There is plenty of time to prepare for future needs. Nothing must be perfect, nothing ever WILL be perfect, and almost nobody ever lives out all of the plans they've made for their mat leave anyway. Reality gets in the way. But that doesn't matter as long as baby is happy and healthy, and our own bodies are equipped to provide almost everything baby needs for quite a while!! :)

Though your body has baby covered, YOU, on the other hand, are going to need a break!

The best advice I can give you is to just make yourself ask those around you for help. It's difficult for me to take people up on such offers as well - I am just so shy about accepting or asking for help that it's quite like a phobia - but now is the time for you to call in those favours! I can't recommend enough getting used to asking for and accepting help when you need it - you're going to need it soon with baby so near!!

And keep in mind it's entirely possible that baby will come early, or even late (unless you're being induced?). They don't normally care about our schedules and plans! You'll need to start asking for that help and give yourself a break, because it's only going to get more difficult and chaotic when the baby arrives!

You're not being selfish. I planned my annual leave and maternity leave so that i would have 6 weeks off before the baby arrived to organise the house and unwind from work which had been incredibly stressful. 3 weeks before I was due to finish, the baby stopped moving and had to be delivered at 31 weeks. He's fine now and I love him to pieces and I'm so happy he's here but I am sad that I didn't get that time to acclimitise before his arrival.
Try and take those few days to relax, it's been such a stressful time for all of you

Agree with everything said above take those days to relax. I'm at the other end of Maternity leave and there were lots of things I thought I could /should have done before going back to work but they didn't happen at all. But the baby is cared for and that's the main thing.
If it's anything you wanted to do like decorating the nursery don't forget the baby will be in with you for at least 6 months.
Please take time for yourself having lost a PIL a few years ago the emotional strain on you is easy to dismiss but you need to maybe meet up with someone outside of the family to debrief over a tea and cake
Ask for help and good luck with the section

I completely understand how you must be feeling but I'd look at it in a different way. You're very lucky to be part of a family who are close and who are there for each other, both emotionally and practically, when things are tough. Yes, in an ideal world you'd have spent the past few weeks enjoying lie ins, relaxing baths, organising the house, but do all those things really matter in the grand scheme of things when you've been able to be such a great support to those closest to you during some of their darkest hours?

Do make sure you ask for help yourself so you don't get too run down. Give your DH an extra big cuddle and be grateful that you have each other and can look forward to bringing your lovely new baby into such a loving family, even if it is in the midst of some chaos.

You should be super proud of yourself doing all of this whilst so heavily pregnant. Good luck with everything.

Life has dealt you a bad hand.
You'll feel better when your little bundle of love pops out safely soon.

I'm so sorry for your loss xxxx
In a way (albeit a shitty way you wouldn't have wanted!) learning to deal with feeling overwhelmed, and things not being perfect, and learning how to ask for help, is one of the key aspects of parenthood. I'm so sad you and DH have this loss at the same time but you will get through it and you will build resilience because of it.

You're not wrong in having the feelings you do, and I think you've been wise to write about them here and talk about them.

I think you should seek support in real life too, talk to your friends and family ( that aren't grieving your MIL) and get some emotional support from those that love you .

The whole situation sounds a terrible shame and you'll be Greiving your MIL at the same time as greiving your old life, greiving the time you see that you've lost. Might even be worth investing in some counselling sessions if you don't feel you've enough neutral emotional support in real life. It would be money and time well spent.

I think a good strategy now though would to try and let go of the feelings of it being unfair and every time you feel the anger and resentment, to purposefully acknowledge it, own it and then bid it away by focusing on loving your DH and soon your new baby. Almost remind yourself every time that you aren't wrong to be feeling the way you do, but that by ignoring the feelings or feeling shame and guilt on top of anger you are making it worse. A better active strategy is to focus on feeling love and to feel proud of your strength and resilience and thankful for your baby to be.

Good luck. Not easy times for you, but life is peaks and troughs. You'll get through. Things will get easier x