A friend is very upset about something. I think that she's BU and feel I should say so rather than lying to her/sympathising to keep the peace, but I don't want to upset her. The immediate issue is wedding-related but there's a lot more to her being upset, iyswim. It's very long but I don't want to drip-feed.
This friend got married a little over a year ago. She had a very untraditional, small wedding. I was very surprised when she told me her plans, as I've known her a very long time and I would've assumed she would go for the big fairytale white wedding with loads of guests. If it had been any of my other friends I wouldn't have thought very much of it. All our mutual friends were surprised too.
She mentioned in the run-up to the wedding that several members of her large extended family had expressed surprise that she wasn't having a big do. They weren't annoyed at being cut out of the guest list or anything (the family is so big that there's an understanding not everybody can be invited to every wedding), they were just surprised that she wasn't going all out. She seemed a bit offended by this, saying she couldn't understand why they were so surprised and that it was her wedding so she could do what she liked. I told her I was surprised too, as were our other friends (we hadn't said anything before), and that people weren't so much being judgey about the type of wedding she was having as just surprised that she was the person having that type of wedding.
I went, and it was a lovely day, though I wasn't 100% sure she had enjoyed it (not because of the way she'd done things, but she'd had some argy-bargy with her MIL a few days beforehand over the food and I thought that she was still a bit pissed off over that).
I hadn't given this any further thought until earlier this week when she sent me an FB message saying that she'd been looking at her photos on her anniversary and she realised that she regretted not having the big day after all. She said the pictures made her cry because they didn't look like wedding pictures, just like pictures from any old party. I told her she did look like a bride in the photos even though she didn't have a big white dress on (a genuine opinion on my part), and that we'd all had a lovely day and that her guests had all commented that they'd really enjoyed it. A few messages went back and forth between us - I asked her at one point why she'd decided on the small wedding to begin with (thinking reminders of her reasons would make her feel better) but she didn't really answer, sort of went off on a tangent.
She sent me another message this afternoon resuming the same conversation and I don't know what to say to her. She's blaming her two sisters for her having a small do - she says she's realised over the past few days that as neither of them had a big wedding, she felt under pressure not to have the kind of wedding she wanted because they would've mocked her choice. She thinks some of our friends would've laughed at her too (apparently it's not fashionable to have a big wedding anymore????) but she thinks that it was primarily her sisters' opinions that put her off. She wants to say something to them and wants to know what I think.
I think this is fucking mad. Firstly, I know for a fact one of the sisters would not give a shit if someone else has a big or small wedding. I think the other one only had a small do because of budget constraints so I can't see her mocking a big do. Most of all, I think my friend is an adult and is responsible for her own choices and if she had the kind of wedding she didn't want because of opinions she thought other people might have then that's her own fault.
The thing is, I feel like I can't say this to her as I know she'll get really upset. She's a lovely and kind person, good fun and a good friend, but she's extremely sensitive and can be a bit dramatic at times and I can't think of any way of telling her she IBU without losing the friendship. To be honest, if it were just the wedding thing I would probably just say she can't blame her sisters, and there's no point crying over spilled milk or some such cliche. However, I think that her handling of this situation is similar to other situations and it's affecting her life adversely. She comes to me for advice quite a lot and I find myself holding back most of the time. I don't want to sound horrible or as if I don't like her, but very often the problems are quite trivial and she is making a fuss over nothing, but she is so upset I feel like I wouldn't get through to her if I say so outright. Even when I am a bit blunt she has some sort of justification or come-back and we just go around in circles. I have started to find her quite draining to be around but at the same time I want to help her and I realise that by holding back I am probably doing her no favours.
She gets wound up over tiny things and if I'm honest I think she is fundamentally an unhappy and anxious person. She is starting to lose friends as people try to avoid her as she is always complaining or stressing about something. She describes herself as sensitive, and cannot take even the tiniest bit of constructive criticism, real or perceived (for example, she starting taking Spanish lessons but got upset when the teacher asked her if she knew Italian because she had a slight Italian inflection to her Spanish pronunciation. She said that the teacher had made her feel self-conscious and had been unfair to her). On the other hand, despite her own sensitivity to criticism she is quick to criticise other people. For example, she is always talking about her morbidly obese and unemployed sister-in-law for being lazy and a bit weird. I know she has said the same things to her DH (i.e., SiL's own DB). Shortly before the wedding she mentioned very airily that she thought her SiL might in fact have special needs! I then met the SiL at the wedding and she clearly has an intellectual disability so my friend's criticisms are way out of line. So she expects a lot of sensitivity towards her but not to others. She even said as much to me once after a boss had said something innocuous to get her upset - I told her she was overreacting as he probably hadn't meant anything by it and that most people wouldn't think anything of it, and her response was basically "yes, but people know I'm sensitive so they should know to be extra careful what they say to me even if other people wouldn't be bothered".
In my opinion, there are two main things that she needs to deal with - she cares far, far too much about what other people think of her (hence having a wedding that is 'fashionable' rather than the one she wants), and a lot of her idea of how life should be and how people should react is basically based on Hollywood (she has a history of seeing scenarios in TV programmes and engineering similar ones or reacting similarly to the characters, this started as a teenager when Ross and Rachel in Friends went on a break and a few weeks later suggested the same thing to her boyfriend, and she hasn't grown out of that kind of thing).
I think she just has unrealistic expectations of life and an unrealistic idea (even paranoia) of other people's expectations of the glamour of her life and she is making herself unhappy. When she's not stressed out she's a good laugh, and she is a very loyal and kind friend who would come round at 4 in the morning if you needed her, no questions asked. She's generous and outgoing and funny and reliable. She has personality flaws like everyone else, I just think that her particular flaws are detrimental to her own happiness.
So I suppose what I'm asking is what should I say to her? What would you do? A bit of tough love and tell her she's being ridiculous over the wedding/sister thing and some home truths about the other stuff? Or try to be a bit more diplomatic (but how)? Or just ignore the latest message? Or something else?