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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD...

20 replies

waitingforlifetostart · 02/09/2017 11:25

I have a friend who I'm struggling with at the moment. Let's call her Caroline. Caroline struggles with her mental health. She has a couple of friends who are very supportive but her family aren't. She suffers high anxiety and is constantly on edge and 'on the ceiling' if that makes sense. She is very self centred but would also do anything for anybody if they asked too. Conversations are all about her and she tells the same stories all the time. Conversations are one sided and are usually about her work challenges. She is vicious when talking about her colleagues but won't leave the job. She is their supervisor and talks so derogatively about them actually I feel really sorry for them despite not knowing them. She has this hierarchy in her head that she's in a higher up position so can act as a dictator.

Anyway, I'm beginning to find it too hard to be around her. I understand she has mental health issues and I've been there for her a lot. A lot! The friendship is on the edge after she rang me during a really important thing that she knew I was going to. She'd clearly forgotten about this major day for me and rang me during it, presumably to vent. I'm so annoyed with her but can't even tell her why as it'll set her even further back in terms of her mental health. I'm just finding it all too much now. We have mutual friends who've taken a backseat after having too much. I don't know what to do. I can't really take it anymore. Wwyd?

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 11:29

You are a friend not her social worker or mental health worker. If you need to step back then that's fine.

AlpacaLypse · 02/09/2017 11:31

It's lovely that you're concerned about her MH but it sounds like it's at the expense of your own well being at the moment. Back away. No need to tell her why, just don't pick up calls, let them go to voicemail, and don't respond too quickly to texts and emails, and generally be busy.

Original poster

waitingforlifetostart · 02/09/2017 13:08

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

waitingforlifetostart · 02/09/2017 15:51

I have another issue in that in late October we're supposed to be flying to Menorca for a week. Nothing is booked but we're keeping an eye on flights etc. How do I back out of this without hurting her too much? She won't take it well. It would be just us two going. I would be going away anyway as I need the break so can't blame it on money or anything.

OP posts:

Changerofname987654321 · 02/09/2017 15:55

Can you say that you are having your own issues and need some space? Would you be going away by yourself instead or with other people?

Original poster

waitingforlifetostart · 02/09/2017 16:03

I'd probably just go myself as it would be pretty short notice for anyone else and it would feel mean to Caroline.

OP posts:

bunningsbunny · 02/09/2017 17:07

Can you say that something has come up at work so you can't go... leave has been cancelled.
And then get a different week off work 'at the last minute' and just go (even if you book it now!) by yourself. If your friend says anything just say it was a last minute bargain and after the hectic time you had had at work you just need to get away and chill by yourself for a while and that your sure she's done the same when she's feeling tired or stressed (even if you think it has never crossed her mind!).

TalkinBoutNuthin · 02/09/2017 17:10

Change your leave dates and say you can't go anymore.

Loopytiles · 02/09/2017 17:11

The behaviours you mention - eg lack of consideration for others - are not likely to be due to her having MH problems. She sounds a PITA.

YWNBU to say you've changed your mind and no longer wish to go on holiday with her.

IDoDaChaCha · 02/09/2017 17:40

Loopytiles I disagree. I've had a few friends with MH issues and everything is very much about them and their issues, which they moan about cyclically and ignore all advice around therapy etc. It's like some people want to abdicate all responsibility for their MH issues and just make everyone else's life hell instead...

Original poster

waitingforlifetostart · 02/09/2017 18:09

Unfortunately, I can't change holiday dates as I'm a teacher and dates are set which she knows.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 02/09/2017 18:18

Sorry your friends' behaviour is like that IDoChaChaCha, but why are you attributing it to their MH issues, or assuming that others with MH issues are likely to behave like that?

For example, I don't think having a MH issue makes one more likely to bitch about colleagues.

bunningsbunny · 02/09/2017 18:34

can something else come up that you 'need' to do - a course, ofsted inspection planning, that means you need to kick holiday plans into touch - then become free at the last minute and go?

Could you have a friend or relative that's ill that you need to plan to go and see so that you don't want to commit to booking a holiday due to not knowing what exact plans will be?

Was it you or her that suggested the holiday?

Can you encourage her to book to do something without you? or with someone else?

IDoDaChaCha · 04/09/2017 09:18

Loopytiles it isn't one friend. It's a few. And as I said all they talk about is their MH issues but refuse to seek help. I don't know how I can describe it more accurately than I did.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 04/09/2017 09:32

I agree with Tiles 100% Having MH issues doesn't mean you behave like a dickhead or mean that you talk about them constantly. A lot of people with MH issues don't even disclose them.

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 09:38

To be fair, Ido and tiles can both be correct.

Some people do complain endlessly about their MH and take no action, yes. But this is also not necessarily a MH symptom in itself, rather a shared quality of some people who also have MH problems.

Although, anxiety causes high levels of reassurance seeking behaviour, which can seem like moaning, and those who are depressed can seem like they're moaning and refusing help when they're pessimistic and don't think anything will improve their situation.

Disclaimer: i have major depression and anxiety.

awifeyforlifey · 04/09/2017 09:47

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's troubles. While she's very lucky to have you, I agree with previous posters who say that you can not and should not be her social worker/mental health worker/etc. Of course it isn't healthy for you, but it's really not fair to her either as you're not a professional, and therefore unsuitable for her to lean on to that extent.

It's fine and healthy to back away, and as far as the vacation goes, you don't owe anyone who isn't paying for your holiday an explanation. If she corners you on it, a simple "'I've changed my plans and won't be going," should do the trick. If you're worried about her response, please know that "why" is a question, not a command. Simply repeat that you won't be booking.

IDoDaChaCha · 04/09/2017 09:57

WhoresDoeuvres I have had MH issues myself on and off my whole life. I agree it's probably the person not the MH that likes a whinge but won't take action. DF used to emotionally dump on me for years, refusing all help and would actually say things like "ah, I feel so much better now!" after doing so..! I have all the time in the world for people who need help but I refuse to listen to the circuitous whining of those who won't face their problems. I am not their therapist as pp have said. DF now doesn't whinge to me at all, I imagine he's found a new whinge-ee since being told I didn't appreciate him emotionally dumping on me... On the outside though it can look very much like 'look at me and my MH issues', 'me, me, me'. It can alienate others. Which is precisely what the person doesn't need. Whether you have MH issues or not, as an adult you're responsible for your own problems and refusing to deal with them whilst making them a problem in the lives of others isn't the way to go.

WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 10:12

ido I agree. It can be very frustrating when people refuse all help and advice. Nobody is responsible for the MH of another.

IDoDaChaCha · 04/09/2017 11:07

WhoresDoeuvres especially when they keep coming to you moaning about the same thing... Gah. It actually put me off training to be a therapist, I realised I couldn't do it for a living. And my own MH would prevent that anyway. I'm much more introverted when I'm anxious so I find it odd when others do emotional leaning when their anxiety peaks.

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