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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at partner emailing ex from 10 years ago.....

17 replies

graldo1979 · 02/09/2017 03:15

Wasn't spying - was looking for flight details in my partner emails (which are linked to sons iPad) - and saw that about a month ago they sent an email to their ex. Just said was in book shop which was a reminder and wondered what they were up to now.....

I feel like if sent something like this ... well you just wouldn't - would you.

Aibu to be annoyed and should I ask about it?

OP posts:

sparkleandsunshine · 02/09/2017 03:18

I'd be fucking fuming! No reason for it other than to instigate something in my opinion

ChickenMom · 02/09/2017 04:08

Yes I'd be annoyed and no you ANBU. Has the ex replied? It sounds like a way of trying to open up a conversation. Are you sure your partner is over this ex?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2017 04:09

I'd be very curious, that's for sure. An ex from 10 years ago? WTF. Seems like they're holding a very large torch.

Fudgit · 02/09/2017 04:32

Was there a reply? I can't pretend this wouldn't give me a bit of a jolt but he hasn't done anything wrong, unless the message has more of a flirtatious vibe than you're describing. Were things difficult with this ex - a 'one that got away' vibe?

Personally I feel nothing romantically or sexually for any of my exes from that long ago and if I got in touch like this it would just be in an idle moment of friendly curiosity, or something that made me reminisce about them.

In short I think YABU to be annoyed with him casually saying hi but I do understand the fear that it could lead somewhere or what were his intentions. I don't think you should indulge that though if you have no other reason to be worrying. Has he had a history of lying to you or being unfaithful? Are things rocky between you?

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 02/09/2017 04:46

I would not be impressed - why has he still got her email address (or new email address after 10yrs) Not a passing thought is it really, why is he still thinking of her?

I wonder if the conversation progressed would you be reading about them 'meeting for a coffee' ?

YANBU - I might be tempted to hold fire though see if it is the start of something but even if she never replies you've still got to wonder why he's still thinking about her ....

Atenco · 02/09/2017 04:58

Seems perfectly normal to me, but then maybe I'm weird. I have fond memories of ex partners and like to find out if they are ok and well.

vikingprincess81 · 02/09/2017 05:14

Have they perhaps kept in touch casually over the years? I've sent the odd email (innocent ones!) to an ex I keep in touch with (with both my dh and his dp's knowledge and blessing) in a similar vein 'oh I saw xyz record in a music shop today, remember we saw them in Timbuktu?' Type thing. But it's more like 2 old friends keeping in touch, emailing maybe a few times a year, than any romantic feeling. If it's a random email after 10 years of no contact, then that's a very different situation, and I'd be wondering why he still has contact details to be perfectly honest.

RainbowDashian · 02/09/2017 05:20

It wouldn't bother me. I think it's normal to wonder how exes are doing from time to time, doesn't mean you have any romantic feelings for them.

GodIsDead · 02/09/2017 05:32

I would definitely ask him why he did that. I wouldn't contact any of my exes to reminisce about old times....it's just not on.

GeekyWombat · 02/09/2017 05:47

Seems normal to me. I guess it depends on how acrimonious your break ups are as to whether it feels feasible.

I regularly email / Facebook my long term (eight year) ex who I broke up with 12 years ago. Usually messages relate to one or other of us seeing a news story relating to the niche area we're both interested in. DH knows and isn't bothered (and I don't care when he, more rarely, chats to his ex). I guess the key thing is that it's all open and above board - and if DH didn't like it I wouldn't do it.

Do you know how their relationship ended? Whose choice was it to go their separate ways?

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/09/2017 05:58

I've done that.

Came across my ex from nearly 20 years ago in a magazine - dropped him a FB message. He replied, and that was that. He contacted me out of the blue about 13 or 14 years ago when he heard my Mum had died.

Nothing more, nothing less. One message each, at the time, catching up. He's happily married, I'm happily married. We haven't added each other in FB, they were both literally just instances of getting in touch with each other after aeons. No torch carrying - he's not a patch on DH.

It's not necessarily anything to be worried about at all.

SpareASquare · 02/09/2017 06:01

I don't see the problem.

An ex contacted me recently. We had some laughs reminiscing about things, chatted about where life has taken us, exchanged some old pics etc. Not once did I feel anything untoward from him. He is happily married it seems and I assume his wife knows we've spoken as we are now friends on facebook. Even if she didn't, there has not been a whiff of anything other than a few laughs and catching up on the years since. I'm genuinely happy for him that he's happy in life.

sweetbitter · 02/09/2017 07:47

I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't think the worst. Also my DP is still friends with a lot of his exes (as am I now by extension), overall I think this is a good thing as it shows he isn't a dick during breakups and is essentially a good natured person.

I have been in a similar situation to you OP, and saw a FB message to the last woman he dared before me. It was similar in tone/content. It gave me a jolt but I chose to trust him and I don't regret it.

sweetbitter · 02/09/2017 07:47

*dated

MaisyPops · 02/09/2017 07:49

I'm with most people on here.
I think it's possible to have fond memories of exes and genuinely want to see how theu are without any romantic intention, especially an 'i saw this and thought of...' moment.

Hassled · 02/09/2017 07:55

I've been messaged by and messaged Exs many times - it means absolutely nothing other than the fact we still think fondly of the other person and wish them well. I heard a song the other day and it took me straight back to a particular event with my teenage boyfriend, and we had a brief message exchange of "How are you doing? How many kids now?" and that was that. No pining regret, no secret love, just an old friendship. Please don't overthink this.

LittleBooInABox · 02/09/2017 07:55

I have exes from 10 years ago I still talk to, and sometimes its nice to get nostalgic

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