DH shit at handling teenager

[Winter7]

My DH and DS (16) got into a shouting match last night really over nothing but it really was explosive in the end, with DS calling DH a few offensive names and DH almost breaking a tablet by grabbing it off DS. This has never happened before but I can see tensions growing as DS goes through the challenging teenage period and DH seems to be struggling to adapt.

I've tried discussing with both about how they were both responsible for the argument spiralling out of control and how I will not tolerate such episodes around DS2 (10) or in our home generally. Both are insisting the other was entirely to blame. DH said DS was being deliberately goady and disrespectful so his reaction was disciplining him. DS claims DH was unreasonable, aggressive and entirely overreacting which led to him losing the rag.

DS2 has said that actually, although DS1 was out of order, it was DH who really started it as he was in a bad mood.

How can I help these 2 avoid this being an on going issue? Both generally lovely people but stubborn and insightless at times. Add to the mix that DH is DS'S step-parent (for 13 years) and I fear for a turbulent road ahead (D'S already saying today that DH isn't his real family :/.

Or AIBU? Is this usual? Am I overreacting? My gut is saying DH needs to learn to manage better as teenagers will behave in challenging ways. DH says that DS needs to have boundaries and not have parents too afraid to put in the discipline required.

Sorry for rambling a bit!

I don't have any answers, but I feel for you. We went through a similar stage with my DH and DD. They were constantly at each others throats and I dread to think what she was telling her friends.

I always felt (and still do) that DH was the adult in the relationship and therefore had a responsibility use more tact, kindness and understanding. DH felt that DD didn't deserve any of these due to her attitude.

I'm afraid it didn't calm down until DD left for uni. Looking back I think DH was going through some sort of mid-life crisis or depression, but was far too stubborn to admit it.

for you

I thinks it's got to be a bit of everything.
They both need to take responsibility for their actions.
Your DH needs to decide what the punishments will be for certain things and then stick to them so he can't get worked up and start taking away everything he can think of.
Your DS is going to push it because hats what teenagers do but he will have to learn there will still be consequences.
Unfortunately the 'your not my dad' will eventually come out in anger but there is nothing you can do about it. I'm fully waiting to hear something similar from my DSS in the near future.

Sorry you are stuck in the middle, just keep calm and push through it. Maybe find what started the argument and try to avoid situations like that coming up

I'd say it was worth pointing out to a 16 year old that in a couple of years they can leave - either via employment or by going into higher education, where they'll be away part of the time. But they need to focus on becoming sufficiently adult that they will be able to do this - studying, thinking what they want to do.

I am not sure that 'discipline' is the right word when it comes to 16 year olds. Yes, there need to be boundaries and consideration for others. But also some kind of acknowledgement that they are changing and can't be treated as little kids any more.

Does you son know anything about his father? Have any contact with him? I can imagine there will be something about wanting to know who made him who he is....

Thanks for the replies. DS has a very good relationship with his father and has always a fair amount of time with him. Exp and dh are polite but only for ds's sake. This is largely down to exdp being really awful in the past . Much improved now, but only over past 2/years.

Oh dear! This was a familiar scenario in our household a couple of years ago with a challenging teenage son so you have my sympathies! I had to remind my DH that he was the adult and however cross he was and reasonably so most of the time the best thing was to walk away. A shouting match with an angry frustrated teenage boy trying to find his place in an ever changing world with the stress of exams, peer pressure etc was not going to end well. So we let him slam doors, rage and rant and then an hour or two later once he had calmed down we had a conversation - we put our point of view across he put his, it was never over anything serious though. Mostly it was to do with technology, homework, bed time, his general attitude and rudeness all the normal teenage stuff. It's hard work especially when they are nearly adults but not quite there but we got through it and we are seeing less of the "Kevin these days and more of the lovely young man he is becoming. Hang on in there and good luck!

Sorry but I think DH needs to sort it out. He is the adult here.

I know DS is not a small child but he's still young and learning and is going to push the boundaries. Don't put them on a par.

Also unless he's doing something obviously awful, isn't he getting a bit old for 'disciplining'? (sounds like this might mean punishing?) Imo you put the work in when they're younger and start to let go a bit by age 16 unless, as I say, it's something serious.

' I had to remind my DH that he was the adult and however cross he was and reasonably so most of the time the best thing was to walk away.'

Yeah, this.

It's not easy but it has to be the way it goes, your DS knows how to push your DP's buttons but your DP has to keep his cool and not rise to it.

I've got a 16 YO DD and I'm not saying I don't raise my voice to her or anything if she's being a tad testy, but I know I'm responsible for how things in the exchange turn out.

If I did lose it and argue with her as though we're equals (ie as I would do with another adult) that would be wrong because she's only 16.

If you let this escalate (and let your DP get away with thinking he's not in control of how he responds to your DS) then it'll eventually come to blows.

If you lay down the law now and stop it escalating then you can hopefully avoid having to kick your DP out when he justifies pushing/punching your DS as 'he made me by acting like