To ask about your midlife crisis?

[deelerwheeler]

In a nutshell, I recently turned 40. I tick most of the boxes for "successful grown up life". I have a career that pays fairly well, healthy DC, own a (mortgaged) home and am married to a good man who treats me well.

I am going through inner turmoil though and just to be completely unoriginal, it seems to have coincided with this milestone birthday. I have had to face some hard truths, such as the fact that yes I have a good career but I no longer enjoy it on any level and feel great misery going to work every day, even though it pays well. I have a loving, good DH but feel very little any more within the relationship, like I have grown out of it. I regret not having got out there and been with more people before settling down. I don't know why I have signed up for this relationship for life but don't think I could bring myself to break up a family. We have a nice house in a quiet, child-friendly area in a part of the country we moved to three years ago but I hate where we live and regret ever moving here.

Does anyone relate to having gone through this kind of stark life review on turning 40? Or have any advice on how to get through it without messing up my life spectacularly?

I'm still a bit off 40, but I wonder if what you're experiencing is that first sheen being over. I remember being 20/21/22, and everything feeling new and fresh and exciting, just going somewhere new was an adventure.

It feels not so much like the sheen has gone but more like nothing in my life is really working for me. That once I hit 40 I couldn't just bumble alone but suddenly stopped and looked around me. I am quite freaked out by it all and wondered if anyone else can relate/ went through similar.

What do you hate about where you live?

I am 55 and in the first few years of a new business which is extremely successful. I am excited, when I am not working I exercise, I have lots of creative outlets, I feel a fantastic new chapter in my life has just started.

I am 40 in December. I'm happy with my career but am trying to make the next big leap. I love our house and the area we moved to, but seem to be desperate for a project and am trying to persuade DH to double our mortgage to buy a fantastic house/money pit. I love DH and would like more time to take our sex life to the extreme, but at the same time I can't really be bothered to shag at all. Most disconcerting, I spend lots of time googling Botox and fillers.

Yes, I get what you are saying. I feel restless and hemmed in, even though I am living a great life. I am a couple of years older than you, and it's getting harder rather than easier.
I think it may be because all the 'life goals' are ticked, but I don't have the freedom or means to do the further things I want; extensive travelling, interesting new career, the excitement of sex with other men new relationships.
My DH also seems to be going through a similar midlife crisis, and it is depressingly cliched.

Sorry, that was a bit depressing, wasn't it! What I'm trying to do is identify what it is that I really want and how to move towards it, to use it as the catalyst for positive change. In my case I think to identify a workable career change.

I can totally relate. I'm a bit older than you but I think you get into your 40s and suddenly realise that life is short and the clock is ticking. I left my corporate job cos I fell out of love with it and it felt meaningless and I really didn't want to live out my days stuck in an office. Treading water is bad for the soul but being brave enough to do something about it is no mean feat.

Thank you all. Disconcerting to hear some similar stories but good to hear I am not alone! I don't know where it will all end up and I'm trying to feel comfortable with that. I guess it must be happening for a reason. Its like I can't tell myself any lies anymore, because I am running out of time? What I hate about where I live is that it is boring, small town life and although I tried a bit when we moved here, I haven't met anyone I can really relate to or be friends with and I feel isolated. I miss where we used to live which was a small city with more going on.

Move! I'm 35 but had a really bad patch where i felt like I'd fallen into the suburban cliche I swore I never would - it was so ordinary, 2.4 kids, house, car, commuting, dull job, struggled to connect with people around me, struggled to connect with DH and was starting to think he was part of the problem. A move for a job came up and we both felt instantly energised by the challenge, and the excitement and the newey newness of it all and I've realised it wasn't him, it was the move to the child friendly place, affordable London Suburb, close to family yadda yadda yadda ... We've moved to a great city where we can afford to live close to the centre, we have banned DIY, going to B&Q, weekend scheduled activities for the kids and we spend all on our money on flights and hiking boots, we approach every weekend with "where can we go today?" Rather that "what do we have to do today?" And I feel totally different about life!

Oh wow whyismykid where have you gone? Maybe I need to go there! I do realise that moving needs to happen. Its an uncomfortable truth that I just can't avoid any more. The problem is that I want to move more than others in my family and uprooting everyone isn't easy. But I can't face into years of being here.

Yes! I hear ya! A couple of years of 40 but I think I have peaked early .
I am going to start counselling because I just need to release whatever is in my head and see where this takes me. Good luck op x

Thank you. I am considering counselling. I have had it before some years back and found it helpful. It is probably a good time to do it again.

And good luck Mike on wherever your journey takes you.

I'm bloody 22 and I feel this ..
Personally I think it's because of the rhetoric spurred at us every day : 'live your dreams' , 'you can be whatever you want to be' , 'shine bright!'
We are taught to think we can do anything , so when we have a normal life we think it's missing something because we've not achieved flamboyant greatness.
Take up a new hobby... go back to uni... remember the things you loved about your DP instead of thinking life should have been 'better'.

Interesting thread, OP. I'm a few years behind you but had the corporate career, also have 2.4 children and have recently spent a year retraining for something completely new. Taking that risk is energizing! The other thing I would say about your post is that you are so, so lucky. Some people never achieve/get what you have and you really don't know what you have until it's gone. Easier said than done, but can you change your attitude/mindset rather than changing the situation? DH has been extremely ill this year, I've been told he will die on more than one trip to casualty and there are times when I'd give anything for the 'boring' old life we used to have. Good luck with things.

Thank you for taking the time to write on here. Someotherfuckers you make a very good point about expectations and maybe in my turning 40 life review I am being swept away with ideas about what "great" things I should have achieved by now.

Sprinklestar I am sorry to hear about your DH and you make some very very good points. I feel I am stuck in an unhelpful mindset for now but don't know how to get out of it. I agree I have many amazing things in my life, which makes feeling so hollow inside harder to understand and accept.

AS bad as it sounds I think it takes some hardship to really appreciate life.

I have been widowed, homeless, I have been abused, raped, beaten. I have had many dark times in my life.
Despite, or even because of my past experiences I now have life firmly by the grasp, a positive attitude to most things.
My life is fairly ordinary, I live in a suburb, I'm not good looking, I'm in my 50s, but I feel totally blessed.
Not a day passes when I don't count my lucky stars for the amazing life I have.
And when you start thinking this way amazing things start to happen.

deelerwheeler- I will make a suggestion.

Start giving.

Rather than wondering how to make your own life sparkle, think about how you can make the lives of others better.
Work for a foodbank, raise funds for those in need, work for your community, do some volunteering.
The rewards will return to you ten fold.

I understand, OP. I am 44, have achieved all the things I wanted - a good career culminating in my own successful business, a DH whom I still love, nice house etc. But now I feel like there is nothing exciting to look forward to (apart from holidays, I live for my yearly holiday!) I feel like all the "surprise" things that could happen now will only be bad things- death of parents, poor health, loss of aforementioned things .

I no longer feel that there is something better round the corner. I work hard, long hours, and don't feel the pleasure I used to in my work. But to give it up would leave us in financial difficulty. I look forward to retirement, but worry that I am wishing my life away, or that we won't be in good enough health to enjoy it! I'm aware I sound like a negative moany cow, but I just feel in a (albeit comfortable!) rut!

Pretend you are going to be 50, then you'll be delighted you are only 40. unhelpful

welcome to my world! I feel exactly the same and have done for 6/7 years. Closer to 50 now!

I'm 44. I think my midlife crisis was just me saying enough is enough and finally having the balls to change my life, which was making me ill with anxiety and depression. I was married for 20 years to a man who cheated numerous times, was controlling and disrespectful and didn't engage with me and our children at all. I ended my marriage a year ago. I didnt want or look for another relationship, I wanted to be on my own to be honest but I ended up meeting someone by chance and had a proper thunderbolt. It's bizarre. I also left my job which made me miserable. I'm like a different person, I'm back to the me I was before I met my ex.