Once and For All, Am I? (MIL/DH -May be long!)

[AIBU10000001]

Namechanged althought most of you will guess who I am!

Few things here, so I will list them one by one. Ok -

(1) Money

DH has got inheritance. We need ALOT of work doing to the house. This is the problem - DH wants to give 1/2 of it away to his mum, who has recently "lost" £26,000 in various unaccountable ways. Ever since DHs dad died, she has gone spending mad on various new partners, all the time claiming to have spend it on the house to DH. The only work done on the house is what I organised for her (new windows, new carpets, new wiring etc.) That accounts for about 1/4 of all the money. It isn't my business what she does with it, I tried to help her stay out of debt and by doing this I seem like the evil one so stuff it. DHs dads dream was to pay off the tiny mortgage, and over 24 years he did then he doed a few months later. MIL wants to remortgage it back again, for no real reason. As I said, stuff that now, I have bent over backwards trying to help her. Now, DH is selling one of his dads cars. We need new heating (currently spending £70 a WEEK on electricity), ours and DSs bedrooms done (we have broken bed, so sleeping on mattress on floor, no curtains so DS wakes at 6am, broekn wardrobes so clothes are piled in DSs room) so not just a new lick of paint type things. DH hasn't been working much since his dad died, so, when he sells this car our half will pay the mortgage. That's it. She still h=gets her half to go out wining and dining 4 times a week. While his own wife and son sleep in a wreck of a bedroom. Fair enough, I learnt to get over that one. When I was upset about it, he offered to sell one of his other cars which he wanted to keep and restore. I didn't like him too, but, gave in as I knew it would benefit DS. BUT, he suddenly said, "actually, I am giving half of that aswell to mum". Now, am I veiwing that as glass half full or empty? Should I be pleased that we are getting money to do up some of the bedroom? Or am I right to be hurt and upset DH can let us live in such conditions when he HAS the money? He recently walked out, and sold his rolex and had a holiday (well, I'd say it was) for 4 days. He drove a 13mpg car to Ramsgate and back, bought new clothes and planned a life totally away from me and DS, mainly to do with this. Bearing in mind MIL has never offered to take DS or DH out for a day, or a meal or anything, and she inherited DHs dads house, all paid off.

OK,

(2) Comments

When DH and I first met, his parents said nasty things about me. DH never stood up for me, and it caused a massive rift for years. I still never have recieved an apology, but, I let it go. DH always says he regrets never standing up for me. The other night, when DH left again, my mum rung his mum to ask for him. She said I was bleeding him dry, and after everythig in her house aswell. Bearing in mind, we refinanced DHs loan, put it in my name also and with the extra money we got... a £3,500 television. For DH. Dh gets his hair cut, on the dot every 6 weeks at Toni and guy, top stylist, and I have had mine done twice in 2 years. Anyway, he did ask his mum about thiese comments, she denied them, and that was that. I said of course she was going to deny them, but he said drop it. He tried to diffuse the situation, and I should let it go. I started crying, because of all the hurt this attitude caused for the last 3 years, and he left AGAIN. Me standing in my socks, in the rain infront of his car for 20 minutes changed his mind, and now I know not to (a) meantion money and (b) meantion his parents.

AIBU for wanted the house at least decent living conditions? AIBU for not letting comments just pass on by, considering I would get shouted at, or walked out on if I said anything against his mum? Am I being money grabbing? I can only see it from my veiw point, and his,both polar opposites. No doubt there is more, but I can't think off the top of my head right now...

Thanks for reading!

please excuse spelling, brain not 100% in gear.

And sorry, I didn't realise it would be so long!

You poor thing! Your DH sounds a little selfish (sorry) and MIL sounds very manipulative.
You have every right to expect him to put you and DS first! How dare he let you live in a mess while giving money to MIL for wining and dining!
No real advice but you are definitely not being unreasonable.

oh yes,

(3) Depression

Seems to get confused with laziness. DH wants me out of it. Now, for the last few days I have bent over backwards doing EVERYTHING around the house, forcing myself with a virtual gun to my head to do it all, DH thinks I can anytime. He thinks I can do it if I put my mind to it. Not supporting me doing it or anything, just wants me to grit my teeth and pull myself together. Anyone with depression will know how hard it is, and how emotionally and physically exhausting it is when you are FORCED to do it. I was at out of hours GP last night, worn out and DH said "it's ok, you don't have to make my sandwiches tonight". I am slowly losing my marbles due to all this stress, I literally am forgetting my name (keep using maiden name) forgot my mums maiden name, forgot my bank account details although they have been the same for years and I telephone the bank every few days. Now, if I can POSSIBLY pull myself together, should I do it all the time? I mean, I can't run 25 miles but I sure as hell would if someone held a gun to my head all the way round...

Obviously you are not being unreasonable at all.

This is probably way too blunt but can I ask what good sides does your DH have and what are you getting out of the relationship?

Because from this post he appears to be very selfish and not able to put the relationship with his own family first.

Wow-that was a long one but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Ina nutshell,your relationship with DH sounds very fragile and at the risk of sounding mercenary-let him sell the car,give what he wants to his Mum on the proviso you get everything done in the house.

Then,hopefully,should things deteriorate and you are on your own or need to seel then at least you will be comfortable and the hose worth more.

She sounds a complete cow btw!

Well, from his point of view, he is selling his dads things and giving m half the money. ie. he is being generous. He says "my mum worked for 25 years, I promised my dad I would look after her" etc. which makes me feel selfish. He would do almost anything for me, he was going to sell hs treasured rolex to do some of the house up, but he ended up selling it to get away from me! There is obviously 2 sides, but... I can't get over the fact we are his family now.

don't know what to say, OTOH it is his money but OTOH what's his should be yours and what is yours should be his - depends which principle you follow. And if you don't both follow the same principle then you should discuss and decide this point.

I think it is fair enough that he wants to use money from his father's things to provide for his mother. I think there is an underlying issue as to how his mother will use this money - possibly not wisely - but I think this is for her to determine not you. Your DH is doing his bit by passing on the money.

Why does DH not work regularly. TBH I think if you need work doing on your house then DH should get a job to fund it - that is what people usually do. What steps are you taking to get work done around the house? Or is it all DH's job to sort out?

As to the comment that 'we are his family now', well that is not factually correct - his mother is still his family. I would be rather sad if my DC's didn;t think of me as their family in 20years or so I think it is to your DH's credit that he wants to take care of his mother.

I think he sounds overwhelmed by everything - whilst it is certainly not your fault, living with someone with depression is very difficult.

I hope you both manage to find a way through all of this. Good luck!

was DH's inheritance from his father? so if i have got this right, MIL has spent her inheritance and now is getting half of yours and DH's? oh and it is yours and DH's, not just his.

he sounds like a mummy's boy

I don't think it's unreasonable for your Dh to give half of his Father's money to his Mother tbh, any good son/daughter would surely do the same.

I'm very confused re the "He sold his Rolex to get away from me" comment however, I'm guessing you don't have a very stable relationship???

this isn't really about the inheritance though is it? i mean he's splashing out on haircuts all the time while you go without for example. you feel like you are second best to your MIL. he doesn't make you feel important or valued. he's left you more than once, you feel insecure. you need to talk to him about everything. write him a letter if it helps compose your thoughts.

Soapbox, thats the point of view sometimes I cannot see. It's not an issue with him mum getting half, it's more she is getting it, doesn't need it, spending it really madly, while his own wife sleeps on a mattress on the floor, his son has no bedroom, we need new heating to heat the house this coming winter etc. Not trivial things.

We do not have a stable relationship at all, we are going to relate once the forms come, but to be honest he walks out before we get a chance to sort it usually!

Does your dh suffer from depression as well? Tbh it sounds from bits of your post, eg him going off on spending sprees, etc that he is also going through some kind of crisis and that he?s not dealing at all well with something in his life. Is it possible that his dad?s death has somehow pushed him over the edge? If this is the case, then this could explain his attitude towards you wrt his mum. She?s the only parent he has left now, and to him it is maybe hard to hear anything said about her, how ever true the things being said are.

Also, if he himself is suffering from depression, then it?s going t be doubly hard for hi to support you, as to him, he?s the one going through a hard time, and he?s finding it hard enough to cope with his own feelings, let alone with the feelings of someone else. Although it?s definitely not your fault, It?s incredibly hard to live with someone with depression, so if that person has depression as well I can only imagine it must feel nearly impossible.

With regards to the money, IMO this is something you need to talk about. Your dh obviously feels that he is providing for his mother now that his dad is no longer there, and this is an admirable quality. But if your family is going without so that he can provide for her, then this is something you need to address at a time when it is not likely to escalate into a row.

It's also his dad never married his mum. Like he almost didn't want her to get everything. Most things have a sentimental value (to DH, not to MIL), and origionally (sp?) he ws going to keep ALOT of it. His mum has forced him to sell things he didn't want to, but I am getting tarred with the brush meant for her!

The bottom line of it, as he has said, he cannot see me and DS as his "family". And his mum and me are on the same "level". It is like having 3 adults in the marriage, a need to provide for 3, when she has her own life, own income, and doesn't give a stuff about us.

He does have issues, but not depression. I admire the fact he will provide for his mother, but, at the cost of a decent living for his son? I cannot admore that. I am all for fairness, 50/50, but, sometimes it can't be so black and white.

He has a job, but, didn't go back after his dad died, and only worked the odd week here and there. Sometimes he would go back, stop at his mums on the way, then spend the day ferrying her around instead. He went back yesterday, properly (sp).

ibu do you have a joint bank account? If your dh has access to this money to have expensive haircuts etc, don't you have access to the money as well? If you're going without is it because he's said you can't spend the money? or is it that you choose not to spend the money, because IMO there is a difference.

He would hate his dad to treat his mum the way he treats me, but as his dad hated me and his mum, no matter what she does, is his last link with his old carefree life, he hangs on. He cannot commit to this family.

I am afraid all I think when I read this thread is why don't these women work and earn their own money. So perhaps the depression is what is causing the issue and why you can't earn etc? Solving that would help. On inheritance in law it's his money and although spouses during marriage have a legal duty to support each other and some even whilst married and living together have to get courts orders for maintenance (!) from each other, this is different. It's his money. If he think you might split up then it would be wise for him to make sure this money is not around so that there is less to share with you on any split I suppose.

Anyway it sounds like tackling the depression is the best thing. It sounds really bad at the moment.

He doesnt ban me from spending money, he just says "oh, next week/month". Or I ask for the money instead to spend on DS. We do not have a joint account, althought he wouldn't stop me. It's just the hassle aspect right now with tax credit and child benefit being paid into mine, some direct debits coming out, and others from his. It's just the underlying issue of his treatment of his wife and women in general. They are lower beings.

I am unqualified, and too "ill" (I use that lightly as I feel ashamed with a mental illness) to work. If I did, it would barely cover DSs fees. I worked when we got together, provided for him. I cannot see it as his money/my money. I see it as ours, but, as long as it was mine to begin with. His is mine, but, his from his inheritance is 100% his. I cannot really have a problem with it, but I seem to.

Besides, it isn't a real issue with his wage money. We do get on really well with that aspect. It's this inheritance, and then his general attitude in other areas. Xenia, he is too dim with rehards to divorce laws to "hide" "his" money from me. Besides, as selfish as I may come across abuot this one here, if we split I wouldn never ask for a penny of that inheritance. Same way he would give me the house as I put down the deposit.

To me (from the outside) it doesn't seem like this is an issue over money, more over the fact that your DH does not seem to give you and DS the same importance as he does his Mother and himself. Did your MIL get some inheritance too? Or was the £26,000 she lost her own (or DHs)? If she has got a house (with no mortgage) and earns her own money then surely she should be able to support herself easily? Seems unfair to me that you put down deposit on house and refinanced his loan and yet he can't even finance basic needs for you and DS.
It is admirable that he wants to share with his mother and make sure she is okay - but not at the expense of you his son.

(Also, depression aside, there are many people who can't earn enough to do much more than cover their child's nursery fees out there and personally I would rather be at home with mine than paying for someone else to look after them, even if that means we go a little shorter than I would wish.)

You sound really down. Please dont be ashamed of having a mental illness (1 in 4 people will suffer from depression during their lifetime). Having something do outside the home - a job or a hobby can really help. Are you in touch with your GP? Are you on AD's? Sorry I can't help with the inheritence thing. But something tells me that your low mood is having an effect on how you feel about the situation.

Xenia - but then, you are proposing work for women as a means of keeping one foot out of the door in marriage and a way of not addressing problems in a couple.

That is a VERY BAD reason for working.

Depression can get so bad people can't work. I do realise that. My father's a psychiatrist but people do get better and sometimes you need different pills and more therapy.

"Same way he would give me the house as I put down the deposit." Well they all say that until they see divorce lawyers who say the starting point is 50% (that would be 50% of the house, 50% of the inheritance etc) depending on needs to house children etc.

There's a good article in the Times on women and why they ought to work, for you Anna. I'll start a thread on it in case there isn't one.