Situation with family member

[Numnom]

Hi. I need a bit of help about this ongoing situation with a close family member. I fully intend to be told that Aibu and that I'm being bitter and I will admit right now that I am bitter but I don't want to be. I'll explain why and then you can tell me straight. I don't want to out myself so can't go into every single detail but I'll say what I can.

This person, let's call her Sarah (obviously not real name) is a close family member of mine. We have had a moments over the years rowing and having disagreements but mainly because she can be hard work, is very obsessive, and I've realised exactly what type of person she is.

For years now I've known she has created a situation were she has lied to friends and family members about the relationship with her children's father. The top and bottom of it is she is in a relationship with him but claims some benefits as a single parent. Now yes, I'll admit the claiming money as a single parent is very annoying but what annoys me more is that at first she pretended she was on her own and now to friends and family she is very open about the fact they whilst they aren't together for the intents and purposes of claiming help financially they are still very much in a relationship i.e. he spends most evenings at her house, they spend holidays, days out together etc.

That is what it is but there are a couple of things that are making it hard to be around her. Earlier this year I found out that her and her children's farher were involved in something very serious and also very much illegal. The way in which I found out means I'm 99.99% sure that this is true and looking back now the pieces have fell into place. What they have done is not only illegal but it's immoral. It also means that she has lied to me and manipulated me into believing things that aren't true. I won't say exactly what they have been doing but they have benefited quite generously from it. I decided to keep what I found out to myself but it's become increasingly difficult. She has risked her job, her children and the safety of others by doing what she has done and whilst I know this type of thing goes on I really didn't expect a family member of mine would be involved in it.

A couple of months after finding out what had been going on she came into some money, quite a considerable amount. Under normal circumstances I would have been ecstatic for her, just like I would be for any of my friends and family members but how can I be happy for her when I know previously (I'm assuming they've stopped it) what they have been doing to make money.

Of course now they are booking holidays left right and centre together and whilst it's nice for the children not one of her friends, or our family members are questioning why her children's dad is going along to.

I won't lie to you, I'd be a bit jealous if anyone I knew came in to such a large amount of money, I'm only human but I'd move on, get over it and be happy for them, but I'm finding it really hard. The dodgy dealings that she was involved in has meant she has carefully created situations to make people believe things that aren't true and she has spent years lying to everyone. If I'm being honest she is such a difficult person and has been since we were younger. She brings nothing positive to my life and even before all this she made me feel stressed and rather inferior at times. Now she's shoving her money in my face and making out her children will experience far more than mine will that I just want to scream. I want to shout at her and tell her that she is a liar and despite this money she has now, I know what she has been doing and that I'm disgusted with her. But as it will affect our entire family and some mutual friends I decided to keep my mouth shut. I really really want to me happy for her but how can I be when I know what I know. If one of my friends, parents, grandparents etc had come in to this sort of money I'd be over the moon for them as I know that they are honest hard working people who deserve a break but I can't be happy for her. My worry is now that I think she is starting to notice I'm not over the moon for her.

I expect to be told Aibu but I can't help it. Don't get me wrong I'm that busy with the kids and work that I don't exactly have time to sit round and dwell on it, and won't discuss it with my partner as he thinks she's a disgrace for what she's done, so I have no one to talk to about it. What options realistically do I have?

Let it go. It's eating you up and only damaging you.

If you feel so strongly that you are willing to report it/tell people and be honest that was your decision and it was you because you felt it was the right thing to do and you'll accept any backlash - then do that.

If not, your only option is to let it go.

Self control? What do you think keeping this to myself all these months and not causing a bit gift between the family is? I completely agree that it's disgusting that disabled people and vulsbreable families are having their benefit slashed but that doesn't mean two people who both work and have an income on the side from illegal dealings should be allowed to claim as single people and claim extra from the government.

No that wasn't me lol. It doesn't involve drugs.

If she has come into a lot of money surely her benefits would have stopped?

As long as her children's father isn't living there and has proof he is living elsewhere she can claim as a single parent.

As for the illegal activity, if it's that bad report it, sounds like it's more about the money than any moral ethics on your part tbh.

I'm not sure about other benefits but she is still continuing to claim tax credits as apparently they don't have a limit on savings and you only have to declare any interest Mande on it.

Her kids father legally is registered as living with a friend but he doesn't live there if you get me.

I understand exactly where you're coming from OP.
A member of DH's family, who has never worked in their life, enjoys a pretty extravagant lifestyle through a combination of benefit fraud and her partner's illegal activities. The rest of the family don't know, although I'd be surprised if they didn't have their suspicions. DH deeply disapproves and has distanced himself significantly over the last few years but also loves this person and worries about what would happen to them if they ever got caught. But at the moment they seem to be having a ball and ( though I'm not proud of this) I will admit, it's hard not to feel a envious when I'm shattered from juggling DC and full time work to hear from MIL that this person has just booked another holiday/spa break/ bought a new car/having their kitchen redone etc.
We now only see this person at big family get togethers and even then I just try to avoid them and talk to other people after a polite "hello" sort of thing. I've come to the conclusion that I really don't care if they know I disapprove of them because what they're doing is morally wrong and whilst they might choose to believe I'm just being standoffish for no reason, I'm pretty sure deep down they know the real reason. I have also unfollowed them from social media as seeing them living the high life (knowing how they've obtained it) was winding me up.

As pp have said your first port of call should be the benefits fraud line and crime stoppers to deal with the claiming and the illegal activities.

I don't think you are unreasonable but stuck and it is eating at you as you can't do anything without major repercussions but your moral compass knows you should.

Report her and distance yourself - polite but firm. If anyone asks I would tell them to mind their own, if they choose to condone her illegal activities that is their choice.

See that's exactly it. You get what I'm saying. I've admitted I'm a little envious but I'm also mad at her but still love her at the same time which is so confusing. I'm not materialistic, not in the slightest. I like my holidays, when we get them lol, and spending time with my family on days out going out for meals etc and love spending time with my friends. That's enough for me. And like I said if it wasn't for knowing what I know I'd have been really happy for her.

I can't report her and even if I could they'd get away with it. He's registered as sharing a flat with his friend and not living with her. They are obviously in a relationship but I assume in terms of claiming they're just looked at as an ex couple just trying to keep things amicable for the sake of the children.

The phrase used is 'living together as husband and wife' (maybe couple now as marriages/civil partnership) so if they each have their own home, with bills etc then they would be eligible for benefits as single people, as they are not actually living together. So nothing to report them for.

As for the illegal activity if you didn't feel that you should report them before, which you didn't, then just leave it now, or you would be doing it because you're jealous.

Yes, some nice people may always have to struggle for money and some not nice people may have wealth and assets. Money isn't a score for how nice a person you.

I get what you're saying. It's not a very fair system though is it. I mean I could make my partner move back to his mother's house tomorrow and then claim as being on my own as the government make it so easy. Obviously I'd never do this and if the worst did come to the worst I know my husband would be fine to get his own home and actually pay his own bills which I don't think her partner does. He simply registered at his friend's house ie the electoral roll but I don't think he contributes to bills and council tax, he just throws his friend a few quid here and there for rent.

the Benefits agency will use every trick in the book to prove he is not physically living there... regardless of where he is registered... it means nothing OP

If they are eating together, going on holiday and he stays over even if most nights a week, living together as if a couple, then it is a benefit fraud and DWP won't see that as two separate claims and could investigate/do surveillance on her property.

But that's not the 'big amount of money' they suddenly came into that you are referring to , that all the family are happy about is it? What is it that has riled you up so much? Have they made a dishonest insurance claim or stolen something?

Whowants,

It isn't legal at all. They look at other things such as going out as a family, shopping, do others see them as a couple etc.

Yes, you could make him move out. Then you would both have more expenses and should be entitled to claim as single people. It's not always possible for a 'couple' to live together. I know of a couple where they are happy together, living apart, and have no plans for that to change. In their case they claim no benefits it just suits them better to have their own spaces.

You say you don't think he contributes at his friends but it's rare that we know all the ins and outs of a couples life and relationship. By all means phone and report your suspicions. An investigation will be done to establish the facts and they will be punished, or not, as necessary.

Life is rarely fair, as all the people working hard for little reward will tell you.

Why can't you report her? If you feel so strongly about this and you are 100% sure you're not acting through jealousy or dislike then do it but own up to doing it.

If you're convinced it's the right thing to do then do it.

You could always blackmail her

If she broadcasts all her wealth on fb the benefits will catch her anyway. They actually employ staff to spy on social media to catch people out!!
Karma will get her don't worry.

Single parents are allowed to have relationships. You don't lose your benefits if you have a couple of dates a week with some bloke who'se never even met your kids, after all. If her partner has another home where he pays bills/rent/mortgage/council tax then she is not actually committing benefit fraud at all. People who meet when one is already a single parent may decide not to move in together because it will be economically disastrous but, again, this is not illegal and not fraud.

As to the other 'dodgy' thing, without some idea of what it is, can't say whether you should grass her up or not. Probably not, given how spiteful and judgmental you sound.

I'm sure you've posted this before. Is she growing weed in a house registered to someone else?

I've certainly been "part of a couple" in the past and been seen to be as such, and gone on outings with the kids, without committing benefit fraud. Because he didn't live with me, and went home to his own place most of the time. It sounds like your relative may not have a similar situation, though.

But I never understood why people say that the government makes it easy. When I have had to claim any sort of benefits, it's been a very negative process. Pages and pages of evidence, queries over bank statements, and they can turn up to count toothbrushes whenever they fancy. My main motivation was to earn enough to stop claiming and reduce the stress, but I assume that's what they want.

I was initially a bit jealous of that in the beginning I was more angry as she is the last person, after what she's done, who deserves it

Your relative has got what she wanted, money, because she has put that as her number one priority, abandoning principles, caring about other people, even her relationship with her husband. But money is very hollow prize. Personally speaking, I think having good principles (especially if you are a parent) are a much more valuable commodity and pays much more dividends in the end.

You are right in holding back your jealousy, but you are wrong in thinking that she has more than you do, you are by far the richer.

I'm not sure, this seems to have come to a head since she got the money. You might have been angry before but clearly not to an extent she knew about it and you didn't want to do anything about it as you do now. Now you're just looking for ways to hurt her. And to do so anonymously.

I don't know what she's done, but I'd put money on it you're more than a little envious, in fact that you're a whole lot envious, and that's what is driving you.

Honestly it is what it is, try to get over it.

Let's get this straight. If you have children together but don't live together but actually ARE together then that is benefit fraud. The state is picking up the tab for that to happen. If you are dating some bloke who is not the father of your children then you are probably not going to get done. OP, this family member will be getting tax credits and housing benefit, she is disgusting and she needs to be stopped.