...to feel more than a little pathetic about being upset about dreams...

[Punkatheart]

For a while now, I have had vivid dreams about meeting someone and being happy. Sometimes it is a stranger - it used to the ex partner who left me - and last night it was a guy in America I 'know' but have never met. There are always wonderful meetings, romantic stuff and sometimes even sexual stuff. I get compliments, feel connected, hopeful for the future - in the dream at least.

Then I wake up of course and life is how it is. I have reached the stage now that I am too poorly to have any sort of relationship. I have lymphoma, sleep a lot of the day, have no energy, take injections of Interferon etc. My hair may never grow properly again, so I always wear a hat. Not exactly Match.com material.

Without the dreams, I cope. I do a little work from home, have wonderful friends, a daughter who loves me etc. But the dreams leave me so upset - particularly last night's dream because I have more than a crush on this chap in America. It all seemed so bloody real. Now I feel completely alone and as I said, bloody pathetic. Does anyone else have vivid dreams and then wake up feeling lost and upset during the day, because the reality is so different? I guess there is no way to stop dreams, but I wish I knew a trick or two. Why can't I have silly dreams about swimming with Bruce Forsyth and a porpoise called Brian? That would make me laugh. I used to have absurd dreams like that...what the crap is going on with this romcom nonsense in my brain now?

ps sorry about the link to Match coming up - no idea that would happen. Talk about rubbing it in!

From the title alone I was going to say yes but reading your post has made me change my mind. I feel sorry for what you're going through

I don't know if this is possible with what you're taking, but when I was on medication I would have really weird, vivid dreams as a side effect. I have them anyway but as a light sleeper I normally only get around 4 hours sleep a night but during this time I was having a deep 8-9 hours sleep filled with dreams. When they were funny or entertaining it was fine but when they were weird or horrifying it was awful. I can imagine the feeling is the same when it's the other way around only to find out you're not in that situation at all. Could you look into if this is a side effect and if there's any alternative?

I did mention it to my oncologist but there is no scientific basis for the vivid dreaming. There is no alternative drug for me at the moment - the other choices are clinical trials, which are a big risk. Sorry you had horrifying dreams - I haven't had those at least. Not yet, anyway!

I'm not on any meds but do have really vivid dreams that can affect me for days afterwards. I really feel like the dream really happened and I experience the emotions associated with it (guilt, fear) even though I know it's not real. I dont think you're pathetic at all. for you.

Sorry you had horrifying dreams - I haven't had those at least. Not yet, anyway!

Nothing compared to what you're going through.

Without this sounding awful because I don't mean it to be, I think, although the horror dreams are scary and awful at the time, you may prefer them to the dreams you're having now because when you wake up you might feel a sense of relief rather than regret.

That is very true. The realistic ones where I am in love, settled, really happy are so much more devastating when I awake to no one.

Yeah I get this a lot. Mine are mainly bad dreams about people from my past. When I wake up I feel terrible and often cry. I've learnt to try and blank it out because it can affect my mood for the day. It's ridiculous really. It's a bloody dream, it's not real. I understand your frustration though.

Sorry to hear that, Blue. It is really odd that something that is not real can burrow into the brain and make us unhappy. I used to have ones where I shouted at my ex - but those were more satisfying!

Maybe the dreams are trying to help your subconscious mind deal with the huge amounts of loss you're experiencing- loss of the life you'd hoped for and of the love you deserve.
Have you a Maggie's centre nearby or somewhere you could access support and/or company from likeminded people or those who have an appreciation of your illness/life?
I attended a 8 week writing course at a Maggies which was good.

It's normal to have odd / vivid dreams when on meds and/or unwell.

I take lots of meds and get very vivid dreams.

Sometimes I feel unsure what happened in a dream & what actually happened in real life, it can be disorienting.

So I can understand you feeling upset by these dreams.

Also it's upsetting if you want the dream to be reality.