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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect exp NOT to open the mail that comes to my house, even though it is addressed to Parent of...

19 replies

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:25

Went to smear test this am, came back to find exp had opened what I would consider to be my mail while I was out.

now he doesn't open things addressed specifically to me, but he opens everything else.

I have had a fit at him, and he tried to storm out without the kids - I have made him take them with him.

Am I out of line to complain here? He is so very surte he is right, but he doesn't friggin live here any more!

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 02/04/2007 11:29

I think all the while he is at your house he will do this. He doesn't appear to be able to make the change from husband to guest, and to be fair that must be bloody hard to do in your 'own' house.

Perhaps you will just have to make more of a real break and ensure he has the kids in his flat in future. I can't see things like this changing tbh.

If it was me I would have opened something addressed to 'parent of', he IS a parent of...and I guess the authorities don't have his current address?

I just think unless the arrangements are made clearer and more seperate then will will drive you mad.

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:29

./...

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 02/04/2007 11:30

oops in last sentence meant "he will" obviously.

Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 11:31

Are they his kids too?

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:31

But he doesn't have a flat, he has a single bedroom, he literally cannot get ds2 there as there is nowhere to put the pram - it's up 2 flights of stairs.

I have seen his room, it's as small as the boys' room, and I couldn't fit 2 single beds in there.

OP posts:

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:31

They are his kids

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sunnysideup · 02/04/2007 11:36

Is your home owned? Is it going to be sold as part of the split?

Sorry if too nosy, but I just think this situation sounds untenable on a long term basis. Is he going to be able to afford to rent a flat rather than a room at all?

raspberryberet · 02/04/2007 11:36

I can see why you feel mad about it. But I can also see why he feels he has the right to open something address to "the parent of". He is their parent, even if he's not at the address, and may feel that you are trying to erode his rights as their parent by stopping him reading mail addressed to their parents.

I think sunnysideup is right that he needs to see his kids away from your home. Can't he take them to the park/cinema/McDonalds/his parents instead of being in your home? The boundaries are a bit blurred there, as he seems to think that it's still his home too.

custy · 02/04/2007 11:39

i think its reasonable to be able to read mail addressed " to the parent of"

what i think is unreasonable is just picking it up an opening it whilst you are not there.

a better approach would have been for him to say " i noticed some letters fromt he school, could i please read them"

and your very reasonable response would have been " as the other parent of course you can, its so nice your taking an interest in these things"

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:41

The home is rented - he did snipe about still being on the tenancy, but that's because I've been trying to get him removed, and the HA are being slow.

But he left me in sodding rent arrears when I threw him out anyway.

I feel that he has never bothered opening any mail before, not even his own. He used to just dump it around the house - that is how I used to find out about debts - so this sudden interest in post is more of a calculated way to ... I don't know, make his presence known? He is actually a very passive person, so would never confront me directly about anything.

His mum lives 20 miles away, in one room of a filthy house, neither of us have a car, and I feel ds2 is too small to be perpetually dragged around parks and town - but you are right, this does need a resolution.

Grrrr, that's the fucking problem with being poor - most of your relatives and friends are poor too!

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 11:42

Yes - wot she said!

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:43

Exactly custy, I have no objection to him reading anything that doesn't have my mail on it, but I have had so many issues with him hiding the bills and stuff from me, and his name is still on the phone bill as I can't get that removed either, as it is contract, and I just like to be the first person to sort the post that comes through my door.

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Flamesparrow · 02/04/2007 11:44

Oooh - now if he didn't normally open anything then yes, you have every right to be pissed off

Freckle · 02/04/2007 11:44

Could he ask the school to copy him on communications relating to the children? Most schools will do this if asked, then he will have no need to open anything at your house.

If you get communications from the school re the children, do you show them to him/give him copies?

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:46

Freckle, he has only been gone 5 weeks, so it's SALT appointments and Immunisation appointments, and they only send one.

he's never shown any interest in the day to day running of their lives, and now I feel he is doing it to spite me.

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Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 11:52

I guess my problem is, he was only able to get to the mail because I allow him to see the children at my house - I feel he has abused my trust by opening it.

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sunnysideup · 02/04/2007 11:54

I know what you mean Colditz. When there's nothing to sell, no injection of cash to make things simpler, life can feel very difficult indeed and as you say, there's no-one to help either as all in same boat

Perhaps you could ensure he comes round later in the day? Post will have come, you can put away anything you don't want him to nose around with.....and I still think at least if you are out of the house for as much of the time as possible then at least he isn't in your face annoying you.

I think it's reasonable to have a fairly 'formal' timetable of when he will come. I think it's lovely for the kids that you are both able to have him coming to the home....but definitely formalise your times more?

Will he be on the council/HA list? Even a single man will get a flat eventually. If he has 'joint' custody with you will he be classed as needing a home sooner due to providing accommodation for the kids? Maybe worth checking this out?

Original poster

colditz · 02/04/2007 12:25

I'm getting so frustrated because he claims he has no money, because he is having to pay back money he owes to me, so he is doing nothing at all with the kids in the day, then he goes to work mid afternoon leaving me to entertain a bored 1 year old and a bored 4 year old, without all the toddler groups and play centres that are open in the day, that he won't use because he has to pay for them.

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Freckle · 03/04/2007 09:00

Oh I see. Could you contact the senders and ask them to address all correspondence to you by name?

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