To think sharing should be mutual?!

[maxblac]

This is about the fifth time this has happened to me this year and I just don't get it.

Group of six old friends, 4 from school and 2 from uni (we were all at uni together and the 6 are the group)

I feel like I share things with them, I.e we are looking to move soon, rent a new place, I'm studying for this to hopefully get this job, not sure if I want children. Life stuff that I think friends talk about and they ask me questions and listen and so on. But then out of the blue I get a text how one is pregnant after trying for a while, one is looking to buy a house but didn't mention a thing about it while asking me about my plans and my life.

I feel a bit vulnerable like I overshare my life and plans and they tell me theirs after the event? Is that a stupid thing to be a bit upset about? It's not a one off, I ask questions too and am a good listener. I'm not going to be intrusive and ask questions like "oh are you looking to buy a house" when they haven't even mentioned it, but then to hear a friend I have been talking to about looking for our new place is (in the words of another mutual friend) looking at places too and in the process of getting a mortgage but hasn't mentioned a thing...isn't friendship about chatting about the big stuff...what am I doing wrong and why has this upset me? It makes me feel like becoming uber private about my life too. This makes no sense I know but has made me feel shit.

If it is just these two examples then you're overthinking it a bit. It's very normal to not tell anyone you're trying for a baby. I agree it's more normal to talk about buying a house, but there are lots of reasons why someone wouldn't: feels a bit funny about how much/little budget is, something about where the money's come from you don't want to share, worried that the finances are touch and go so it might not actually come off, etc. Mortgages are also quite boring and so maybe he just didn't fancy talking about it! I don't think these two examples show that your friends aren't sharing their lives and plans with you.

Yeah, maybe you do overshare. If they're not close friends, just old pals you keep up with, they're maybe not so likely to share every event in their life with your group. It shouldn't upset you - people grow, get different friendship groups. All my uni friends are in different cities with very different lives.

How long has it been since you actually met these friends in person? People see things differently. For me a facebook or whatsapp chat is very casual. Maybe a personal chat with a friend is somewhere I'd go into my life choices and decisions with.

It's understandable that you're hurt but I feel like you might have a greatly different expectation of your chat than they do.

Well I last met them 2 months ago for lunch, we do live in different cities but we text every few days between us all individually and they ask me quite personal questions which I was happy to answer.

I don't feel really close but they are still my main friendship group. So maybe I just need to accept that it is not a mutual thing, and protect my feelings by not sharing things they no longer feel comfortable to reciprocate for whatever reason.

I'm pretty chatty. Most people would probably think that they know everything about me.

But actually I'm really very choosy about what I share.

No one, not even our best friends or siblings knew we were trying for children. Other friends discussed their own plans but that's their choice, we preferred to keep it private.

I've had health concerns none of my friends or family know anything about.

Very, very few people knew we were moving to the USA until a couple of months before.

Some people like sharing their inner most private things, some don't- it's personal choice.

Relationships shouldn't be transactional you don't get to breach their privacy just because you shared your stuff.

I generally do not talk about things I am planning, I like to get everything sorted. A bit superstitious in that way, it has nothing to do with how I feel about my friends or if they wish to share with me.

Well I don't 100% feel comfortable about answering whether we will be trying for a baby soon, saying that we won't be buying a house but renting, knowing that that implies we can't afford to buy yet, but I answer because it's what i consider a close friend asking and I don't want to lie as that means I have something to hide which I don't.

So why ask if you don't want to share if I ask back? It's not a transaction, I am not asking you anything, you are. But don't ask me to share all my vulnerabilities and personal things if you don't want to do the same, as that is not a friendship I feel.

Sorry that last post was ranty. Just feel a bit upset is all.

I have a friend who believes she is very interested in others, but actually she dominates the conversation which is 95%+ about her, and her immediate family. Once in a blue moon asks about me, but in such a way that shows she isn't really interested (unless there is some gossip to be had). So after that I really can't be bothered to share because she gives all the signs of being uninterested.

I wonder if my friend feels like this about me sometimes, she shares most things with me (I think) but I share very little with her. She's my best friend, I love her but I am not a sharer, not with anyone. Now granted I am more talking about feelings and problem type stuff more so than moving/doing things. I know there is stuff that if she found out she would be hurt or think it was weird she didn't know but just because she is a sharer does not mean I have to be so if she is hurt it wouldn't be intentional but I won't apologise for not being a sharer, I can hardly say "no don't tell me because I don't tell you everything",next time she talks to me, so I think yabu

I would imagine it's because they think you like to share. Lots of people do, they find it cathartic.

However just because they ask you a question doesn't mean you are obliged to answer.

"Are you planning to have kids?"

"Oh we're not thinking about that yet"

"Are you planning to buy a house?"

"maybe in the future, we're very happy where we are just now"

The answers above aren't lies. They aren't hiding anything. They are perfectly polite.

True enough. Maybe I'm just over sensitive I guess.

Not necessarily, just maybe feeling a little bit vulnerable and over exposed.

Perhaps do it this way instead - only share something personal if one of them has first.

Did the rest know this information before you and that's why your upset?

I don't share because I assume people won't be interested. I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant and there's still tons of people in my life - including close friends I no longer live near - that have no idea. It would make me cringe to tell people something like that out of the blue as I'd just feel like they'd be a bit... bored? Which is daft really because I'd love to know from someone else. But anyway, maybe that's partly how your friends feel?

I know what you mean OP. It's a bit embarrassing, like take your mortgage example, a similar thing happened to me with a friend who was questioning me all about how to get a mortgage, etc, and I was answering because they were asking so I thought they wanted to know. Later I find out they just got a mortgage themselves and already know all about it. It was embarrassing because I thought we were having a conversation, but really they were just seeing what I would say.

Also I don't ask people questions that I think are rude, even if secretly I would like to know. But others have no such issues, they ask me personal questions and make it seem rude not to answer - then if I turn the question back on them they act like I'm rude for asking! Very weird.

It might just be that you hadn't asked or it hadn't come up, and someone might think its a bit attention-seeking to bring up themselves.

I would never announce that I was TTC, for example, but I'd mention it if it came up.

I'm not a massive sharer, I think I tend to assume people aren't interested, but I'll generally answer quite personal questions if they come up or are asked directly.